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How to Handle Being Ghosted

Don't blame yourself or follow the ghoster's model.

Key points

  • Being ghosted can make ghostees feel uncertain, preventing them from exploring new romantic relationships.
  • Certain personality characteristics make someone more inclined to engage in ghosting.
  • With the anonymity of online dating apps, ghosters may not have to face the consequences of their actions.
 Adrian Swancar/Unsplash
Source: Adrian Swancar/Unsplash

There’s no good way to end a relationship. Psychological research, however, shows that some termination strategies cut deeper than others.

A recent study by researchers at California Polytechnic State University examined the emerging phenomenon of "ghosting"—an abrupt and indirect relationship termination strategy that involves the total withdrawal of communication from one party in the relationship.

A Heavy Psychological Cost

The researchers found that the experience of being ghosted invokes a heavy psychological cost on ghostees, preventing them from exploring new romantic relationships due to the uncertainty brought about by the ghosting experience.

“With an ever-expanding workforce of technology at our disposal, we have almost unrestricted access to an unlimited number of people,” says Katherine Holmes, the lead author of the paper. “This makes potential partners quite replaceable and gives "ghosters" a certain level of safety and anonymity.”

Talking about her inspiration for the study, Holmes shared, “We were inspired to study ghosting not only by our personal experiences with it and its increasing relevance to all age groups, but its possible effects on young people and the quality of their future relationships and dating experiences.”

To gain a deeper understanding of the experience, the authors conducted interviews with 21 young adults who had been the victims of ghosting.

4 Broad Themes Define Ghosting

They identified four broad themes that defined the experience of being ghosted:

  1. Confusion: Many ghostees find themselves confused as they struggle to make sense of who was responsible for the fallen relationship. They experience a mental tug-of-war wherein they try to find the "why" and, at times, end up devaluing themselves in the process. “Did I do something wrong?” is a question that haunts ghostees, making it a traumatic experience.
  2. Justification: Ghostees try to find some justification for why the relationship ended. While this is self-preserving in nature, it can prevent ghostees from grieving the loss of a potential partner. Their true feelings, perhaps disappointment and sadness, are suppressed.
  3. Avoidance of future vulnerability: Perhaps the most upsetting consequence of being ghosted is the avoidance of future vulnerability. Ghostees become more hesitant to venture into new romantic relationships. This may prevent ghostees from making a meaningful connection with someone new.
  4. Contribution of technology: Ghostees mention that online dating apps make ghosting (without any consequences) easy. With the anonymity of being online, ghosters don’t have to face the consequences of their actions.

Personality Characteristics of Ghosters

The researchers point out that certain personality characteristics make someone more inclined to engage in ghosting. “The presence of the Dark Triad personality traits (i.e., narcissism, psychopathy, and Machiavellianism) and an avoidant attachment style can explain the likelihood of ghosting behavior,” says Holmes.

Other factors that increase the likelihood of someone using ghosting as a relationship termination strategy are a disinterest or lack of intimacy in the relationship, possessing a fixed mindset, and having strong beliefs in destiny.

Advice for Ghosters and Ghostees

The authors offer the following words of advice for those who have ghosted someone in the past:

  • Take a step back, reflect on your actions, and try to see your actions through the eyes of the ghostee. This may help you break your habit if you find yourself chronically ghosting people.
  • Work on your ability to communicate directly with people even when the topics may be difficult or uncomfortable.
  • Seek help from a mental health practitioner who may be able to provide you with tools to increase the level of empathy you bring to your interpersonal relationships.

Furthermore, Holmes offers the following words of wisdom to those who have experienced ghosting:

  • Remember that you are not alone in the experience.
  • Try not to engage in the self-blame spiral.
  • Try not to contact the ghoster again.
  • Don’t use ghosting as a relationship termination strategy yourself.
  • Walk yourself toward acceptance.
  • Seek out mental health support as you need it.

Facebook image: Just Life/Shutterstock

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