Loneliness
A Social Psychologist’s Loneliness Confession
I got trapped in a cycle of loneliness—but used science to find my way out.
Posted December 31, 2024 Reviewed by Michelle Quirk
Key points
- Chronic loneliness can create a cycle that paradoxically makes it harder to connect with others.
- Practiced daily, mindfulness can reduce feelings of loneliness in as little as two weeks.
- We absolutely need other people in our lives, but we’re not dependent on them to feel a sense of connection.
I’ve spent decades studying the science of social life and even co-wrote a book on the science of social connection. But that doesn’t mean that connection always comes easily to me, or that I’m immune to loneliness. In fact, I’m intimately familiar with it. Loneliness arrived after the birth of my first child—and, like a houseguest who overstays their welcome, it lingered far longer than it should have.
With a newborn, I quickly learned why they say, “It takes a village to raise a child.” And I didn’t have much of a village. My husband and I had recently moved to a new town, and our families and closest friends were several hours away. We had a great group of local friends, but most of them were either single or married without children, and our lifestyles naturally began to diverge.
To make matters worse, I developed a chronic illness that severely depleted my energy. After taking care of professional and family obligations, I simply had no energy left for socializing. This made it incredibly difficult to build my village.
Over time, I started to feel increasingly lonely. At first, it was just a simple longing for deeper connections. But soon, it transformed into a deep, gut-wrenching pain. It also triggered anxiety. These feelings weren't constant, but they would resurface every few days or weeks, and the cycle continued for years.
Things began to change when I discovered the emerging science of loneliness. I dove into every scientific paper I could find. Through this, I gained valuable insights and learned new strategies that helped me overcome my feelings of loneliness and, ultimately, build the village I had longed for. Here are the insights and strategies that helped me the most.
Overcoming Chronic Loneliness Is an Inside Job
Short-term loneliness—the kind you might experience when leaving for college or isolating yourself during a global pandemic—can be overcome relatively easily. You might feel less lonely by making new friends or finding new ways to connect. However, chronic loneliness—the kind that lingers for weeks, months, or even years—is much more difficult to overcome. When loneliness takes root, it subtly alters your thoughts and behaviors in ways you might not even realize, creating a cycle that paradoxically makes it harder to connect with others.
As a result, the path out of chronic loneliness is often a solitary one. You don’t need to wait for other people to show up. The process can begin right now—by reflecting on how loneliness has changed you. This is where understanding the evolutionary theory of loneliness becomes particularly useful.
Loneliness Evolved as a Biological Warning System—and It Can Go Haywire Sometimes
For most of human history, being alone was dangerous. On our own, we were much more likely to be killed by a member of a rival tribe, be eaten by a giant hyena, or fall victim to some other misfortune. To protect us, nature developed a biological alarm system—loneliness—to ensure we stayed close to the tribe. This uncomfortable feeling of loneliness was designed to motivate us to restore our social connections, much like hunger motivates us to seek food.
This system was a brilliant way to ensure our ancestors' survival, and, today, it still serves to remind us of our fundamental need for connection. In this sense, loneliness is beneficial in the short term. A problem arises, however, when loneliness becomes chronic—when we can’t find our way back to the “tribe” or we struggle to form meaningful connections, something increasingly common in today’s world. In these cases, the alarm continues to blare, distorting our perception of the social world and making us view other people as potential threats. We become anxious and guarded around others—often without even realizing it—and this defensiveness can make connection even more elusive.
The good news is that there’s a way out: We can disarm the alarm system. By convincing our brain that we’re not in mortal danger, we can lower our defenses and become more open to the possibilities for connection.
So, how do you disarm the alarm system? One effective approach is cognitive behavioral therapy, which helps correct the cognitive distortions created by loneliness. Another powerful tool—and my personal favorite—is mindfulness.
Practicing Mindfulness Can Help
Mindfulness involves paying attention to the thoughts, feelings, and sensations you’re experiencing in the present moment and welcoming these experiences with an attitude of acceptance. When you’re lonely, mindfulness might involve noticing—and welcoming—the thoughts and feelings that come with loneliness. You don’t need to change the thoughts and feelings. Just notice them. And don’t tell yourself stories about why you’re lonely; this just adds layers of shame, doubt, and fear.
You might also become aware of the physical sensations that accompany loneliness. How does it feel in your body? Is there a tightness in your chest? A constriction in your throat? Don’t fight these sensations—just relax and allow yourself to experience them fully.
Practiced daily, mindfulness can reduce feelings of loneliness in as little as two weeks. Researchers believe it works by lowering our perceptions of threat, making us more available for authentic connection. If you’d like to give it a try, you can search for a mindfulness meditation on an app. Or you might explore this meditation on difficult emotions by renowned meditation teacher Sharon Salzberg.
We Don’t Need Other People to Feel Connected
One of the most important things I learned from my exploration of the science of loneliness and connection is this: We absolutely need other people in our lives, but we’re not dependent on them to feel a sense of connection. We can create connection on demand by engaging in practices that boost our inner, subjective sense of connection. This inner sense of connection can protect us from loneliness, and it provides a strong foundation for building healthy relationships.
My favorite strategies for enhancing my inner sense of connection are meditation, yoga, breathwork, and immersion in nature. Research shows that practices like these can help people feel more connected and less lonely—and they’re effective for introverts and extraverts alike.
The insights and strategies I've discussed above helped me emerge from a very painful season of loneliness. If you're struggling with loneliness, I hope they help you, too. Just remember: You hold the key the overcoming loneliness. You can take practical steps to feel more connected—starting right now. First, disarm the alarm system and strengthen your inner sense of connection. Once you’ve done that, you’ll be in a better place to reach out to others and build your own village.
References
Natalie Kerr, Jaime Kurtz. Our New Social Life: Science-Backed Strategies for Creating Meaningful Connection. Oxford University Press; 2024.
Cacioppo, J. T., Cacioppo, S., & Boomsma, D. I. (2014). Evolutionary mechanisms for loneliness. Cognition and Emotion, 28(1), 3–21. doi:10.1080/02699931.2013.837379
Cacioppo, S., Bangee, M., Balogh, S., Cardenas-Iniguez, C., Qualter, P., & Cacioppo, J. T. (2016). Loneliness and implicit attention to social threat: A high-performance electrical neuroimaging study. Cognitive Neuroscience, 7 (1-4), 138–159. doi:10.1080/17588928.2015.1070136
Lindsay, E. K., Young, S., Brown, K. W., Smyth, J., & Creswell, J. D. (2019). Mindfulness training reduces loneliness and increases social contact in a randomized controlled trial. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, 116(9), 3488–3493.
Masi, C. M., Chen, H. Y., Hawkley, L. C., & Cacioppo, J. T. (2011). A meta-analysis of interventions to reduce loneliness. Personality and Social Psychology Review, 15(3), 219–266. doi:10.1177/1088868310377394