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In an earlier article, we talked about the importance of being personally committed to your relationship if it is going to survive and prosper. We consider personal commitment as one of the fundamental building blocks for marriage, because it fosters strong emotional bonds between partners. Their marriage is the most important thing in their lives, and so they put in the work that’s needed to keep it on solid ground.
When we’re personally committed, we think of our partners in a positive light so we treat them well, we sacrifice our personal needs when that’s called for, and we don’t let conflicts spiral out of control. Partners think of themselves not as individuals but as a team, sharing aspirations, thoughts, and interests, all of which strengthen their desire to stay together.
One of the more important side benefits of personal commitment is its tendency to stifle options. Here we are referring to holding onto thoughts that there’s a better way to live, either with other partners or in another lifestyle. Typically, options enter our minds during conflicts, or when we feel bored, over-burdened, or otherwise not entirely satisfied. They work against the best interests of a relationship because they present a way out that might seem better at the time, and that moves us away from focusing on finding ways to make our marriage better.
Here’s an example of a couple for whom consideration of alternatives had affected how they thought about their marriage and their ability to deal with various issues. They believed their problems resulted from certain flaws in how they interacted with each other, when in fact weak personal commitment was actually below the surface.
Rich and Joann came to therapy after 11 years of marriage. They believed their problems had to do with communication. Whenever there was an issue, it would turn into a shouting match, with each taking turns accusing the other of some wrong-doing. These arguments rarely produced solutions, and their ill feelings toward each other usually lasted long after the arguing ended.
During one session, they got into a heated exchange. They stopped arguing when Rich shouted out, “I don’t need this nonsense!” When they calmed down, I asked Rich what he meant by that. He explained that he considered their arguments to be a waste of time because they didn’t get anywhere. He also mentioned that his past relationships were never as contentious and their arguments weren’t so filled with hostility, and sometimes he thinks he would have been better off not getting married. Rich also admitted that he occasionally thought about being single, even when he and Joann were getting along fine. When they argued, however, these thoughts came up much more often.
Their difficulties had less to do with communication styles than with Rich’s thought patterns. His comments about leaving his marriage suggested he was not thinking about the problem they were arguing about. They also couldn’t solve their problems because he was usually focusing on a way out rather than a way to handle their problem. And because they couldn’t come to solutions, they would stay angry at each other.
Fueling their problems further was Joann’s reaction to Rich’s comments about “not needing this nonsense.” As soon as he said something to that effect, she would no longer think about their problem and instead would think that he didn’t want to be married to her. She interpreted his comments as a rejection of her and their marriage. She kept them in her mind long after the arguing stopped and would stew over them for days. That would leave her feeling perpetually angry and frustrated, and she would express these strong feelings whenever there was even the smallest provocation. Rich was not aware that he had never made a complete commitment to his marriage, and that was what was causing the hostility.
Couples who are truly committed work hard to prevent alternative partners or lifestyles from being considered. If they find themselves in situations where they’re tempted, they might rely on mental tricks to drive such thoughts out of their minds. One of these is devaluation. They will think about that person or lifestyle in less than flattering ways or make downward comparisons to their current relationship. The goal is to evaluate these alternatives in such a way that they will always fall short.
Devaluation is a better way to handle such situations than just denial. If, for example, we see an attractive person and we just say no, we are trying to deny ourselves something we think is pleasurable, yet we will still find the person to be tempting. However, if we change how we think about that person by critiquing them as less attractive or damaged in some way, we avoid having to make a difficult choice. In that way, we give ourselves peace of mind by eliminating that person as someone worth pursuing.
Sometimes we keep options floating around in our heads without being aware of them. For example, if during an argument we say out loud or to ourselves something like “I don’t need this aggravation” or “I should get a divorce," we may not try as hard as we should to fix a problem because we’re not convinced that we have to stay with our partner. Couples may also find that when they consider alternatives, they will argue more often and their tone is more hostile. That’s because they might harbor anger and resentment just below the surface as a result of feeling stuck in their marriage, and these feelings can emerge when things are not going well.
