6 Ways Getting Older Might Surprise You: Think Junior High

There are shocking experiences about getting older that are rarely discussed.

They are the startling recognitions about what parts of life do not change as much as we were lead to believe.

1. You don't stop breaking out. When I was a teenager, I was promised by every adult in my life that my acne would disappear with time and that I would never have to think about my skin again. Instead, I am typing this while wearing a smudge of a cheap Cover Girl product on my nose to conceal a blemish that has appeared, as regularly as taxes, since 1975. (Spending $62 as I once did in a fit of exasperation and under relentless seduction from a pro at Bergdorf Goodman who promised the French concoction would make me rethink my use of inexpensive products only made me rethink the wisdom of listening to anyone who works on commission.)

2. There are still Popular Kids vs. Unpopular Kids when you’re over 65. And, apparently, the same applies when you’re over 90.

I had a conversation with a friend who recently returned from a two-week journey designed for elder travelers in good health and of reasonable means.

On paper, it seemed guaranteed to provide a wonderful time for the curious, lively, enthusiastic group of self-selecting voyagers.

But my friend, who is 84, described how the group at large quickly transformed into cliques of the insiders and outsiders, how some people wouldn’t give the time of day to folks they thought were “uncool” (her term), and how exactly the worst moments in junior high school were recreated at sea and over seventy.

I’ve heard similar stories about gated communities for those over 50, retirement estates, and assisted-living environments. If you’re not “in” with the “in crowd,” you can feel displaced from your own life while feeling a sense of shame because you know better. And it's not as if there isn't ageism in such places: People still secretly believe the definition of “old” is “fifteen years older than I am.”

But knowing better doesn’t always work at the deepest levels of emotional life, not even when you’ve had a lifetime to realize it.

Develop emotional resilience, cultivate independence, value your own individuality—and bring a good book.

3. In keeping with the “Old age is like junior high if you’re not careful” vibe, you can still spend way too much time waiting anxiously for people to call you, get in touch with you, write notes to you (“Do you like me? Check the box ‘yes’ or the box ‘no’”), and appreciate you in a public space—perhaps on social media or in a creative or athletic group.

You might still feel wary about making the initial approach or worry about overdoing it, appearing to be needy or vulnerable. The fear of rejection does not necessarily become easier to handle with age; being older can, in fact, increase a person’s anxiety. Aging can, and often does, increase a person’s FOMO.

What is our fear of death if not the biggest FOMO of them all?

4. You still want to look good in jeans. There’s no explanation for this.

5. You still care about the future. Unlike the point above, there is an explanation for this: You have an emotional investment in what comes next. You believe that how you and your generational cohort will be judged matters. You don’t want to be the ones who let the best parts of life become eroded by power-hungry politicians or destroyed by corporate greed. You don’t want to be witnesses to a history that will disgrace and shame you; you want to support the best that communities, laws, and traditions of equity, fairness, and generosity provide. It’s still worth it to find your voice, use your voice, and enhance the voices of others.

6. You’re still waiting to be discovered (although you might now refer to it as “finding your purpose”). This part might very much be for the better than it was in youth: rather than hoping that a casting agent, a producer, a recruiter, a coach, or a prince will see you and say “Aha!”, you might be discovering yourself.

One of the best parts about aging is putting away the concealer.