Ten Differences Between (Most) Men and Women

Okay: You're probably better than this--but the rest of us are exactly LIKE this

Posted Sep 21, 2014

While we all know that gender is both an enacted and learned behavior, falling across a wide and nuanced spectrum while simultaneously filtered through the prism of individual experience, we hold these observations to be applicable in what clinically-trained personnel refer to as "a whole lotta cases" or "most of the time, especially on weekends":

1. Men care way too little about what women say. Women care way too much about what men say--except when those men are in positions of actual power, such as are held by politicians or members of the clergy, who are making decisions and choices that will affect the deepest recesses and corners of our most intimate lives without actually, like, consulting us. In that case, we should listen even more closely. Maybe even speak up.

2. Men care way too much about how women look. Women care as little as they can possibly stand caring about how men look.

3. Women will smile even when they are unhappy until a certain point of intimacy occurs (perhaps the procurement of the third drink or, in some more severely regulated communities, the birth of the third child) after which they might never smile again, even for professional photographs, although when they're actually happy, they'll laugh themselves silly. They just won't fake it anymore. Men will either smile or not smile as evidenced by pictures taken of them from infancy onwards. Men's smiles are not situational. They are constitutional; they are genetically determined.

4. Men laugh when they find something funny. Women laugh when they think it's appropriate. (nb: This, thank gawd, is beginning to change but it ain't changing fast enough.)

5. If a man wants to challenge a woman's viewpoint, he will worry momentarily about being a bully. If a woman wants to challenge a man's viewpoint, she will worry, depending on geography, religion and history, whether she will be stoned to death in the middle of the village square.

6. Women know that if there's a mess in the kitchen, somebody has to clean it. Men believe that if there's a mess in the kitchen, it's nature's way of maintaining the cycle of life in all its richness and abundance. (Men under the age of thirty have been known to regard used pizza boxes as "compost" and therefore regard themselves as preservers of nature's bounty.)

7. Men think it's important to clean cars. Women think cleaning cars is like cleaning the bottom of your shoes. You shouldn't have to do this if you learn to leave the things outside. If you keep them in the living room, it's different. Otherwise, who cares?

8. Women will, when perfectly sober, say, "I love you!" to their friends but will rarely put their friends in a faux-strangle-hold after a few drinks and say this while giving "nuggies" to the most sensitive part of the friend's scalp during the announcement. With men, it's the opposite.

9. Men consider parallel parking an accomplishment especially if only automotive molecules can measure the distance between vehicles. Women just want to park either close to the entrance or far away enough from the entrance to collect points for the pedometer.

10. There are no real differences between men and women except what we have constructed and imagined in our various cultures. The differences between women and men are, of course,  just the opposite.