A Pattern of Trauma, Dissociation, Rebelliousness, and Shame

In a prior post (Busch, 2026), I described dissociated representations of self and others (Bromberg, 1998; Busch et al., 2021; Busch, 2024). In these circumstances, individuals in one mode of representation of self and others are unaware of the other mode, disrupting efforts at integration and leading to conflicts within themselves and with others. I wish to describe another form of such dissociative states, in which individuals take pride in rebellion toward authority (or at least what they perceive as authority), leading to adverse consequences and feelings of shame. This rebellion can take several forms, including the use of drugs and alcohol, refusal to properly care for their health, an unwillingness to work in structured occupations, a resistance to sexual or marital mores, or a refusal to follow certain professional or cultural rules, including laws and regulations.

Such individuals often see their rebelliousness as a source of power, and in certain circumstances it can have value. But in many of these instances rebellion takes on a compulsive character, and little thought is given to what consequences there may be for these actions. It can become disruptive of relationships with others, trigger punishment by authorities, lead to poor self-care, and trigger an underlying sense of shame.

The presence of shame is particularly notable, as pride is often expressed about such rebelliousness. Often the shame is triggered when the adverse consequences of the rebellion occur. This can include shame about incidents stemming from intoxication, negative impacts on appearance and health, lack of financial stability, and/or a partner’s anger upon learning of illicit activities.

The exploration of the history of those who evince such dissociated states often reveals an abusive or otherwise traumatizing parent who harshly judges, criticizes, or humiliates the child for perceived inadequacy while setting an impossible standard, or forces compliance through harsh or frightening threats of or actual punishment. A sense of self as rebellious in an effort to express anger and autonomy develops alongside a view of oneself as inadequate and shameful.

The importance of recognizing and integrating these dissociated states is crucial to relieving the problems they cause. It is essential to realize that some of the sense of power in rebellion derives from fighting against an abusive, punitive authority but may be ultimately self-defeating. In addition, it is important to recognize that the sense of shame or assessment of being bad or incapable stems not only from the adverse outcomes of rebellion but from accepting the abusive parent’s viewpoint.

Case Example

John, a 45-year-old single man, presented with depressed and anxious symptoms and described problems with his career and dating. He struggled financially, was supported by his parents, and viewed himself as a “loser.” He believed that women would not be interested in him, based on his lack of financial resources and poor self-care, and had therefore stopped dating. He was actually quite talented in advertising but refused to work “for the man” in a regular advertising agency and depended entirely on freelance jobs. He believed that work in such corporate settings stifled his creativity, and he would rather just live on less money. He refused to exercise because “all the robots out there do it,” and used cannabis on a daily basis. He emphasized that pot spurred his creativity but acknowledged that it reduced his motivation overall and likely added to his increased weight, which he was quite self-critical about. Overall, however, he celebrated his rebelliousness regarding work, exercise, and cannabis use, minimizing the adverse impact of his behaviors.

Exploration revealed that he had a harsh, judgmental father who was highly punitive. He was rigid about the time John needed to spend on his homework, which caused him tremendous boredom. Successful in finance, he did not comprehend John’s writing capabilities and viewed them as meaningless. He called his son a “loser” and disparaged him for not meeting his standards of masculinity, referring to him as a “weakling” or “sissy.” John’s efforts to rebel against these strictures were met with harsh punishment, including his father hitting him with a belt on the buttocks to the point of bruising and long periods of being grounded. As an adolescent, John began to smoke pot and procrastinated on his homework, which lowered his grades and ultimately limited his choice of colleges.

A key aspect of treatment was helping John to recognize that although he purportedly enjoyed his rebellion, these attitudes and behaviors were causing him significant damage. Indeed, he was quite ashamed about his struggles and felt deeply self-critical about what he saw as his “failures” financially and socially. Another step was to help John realize that he had internalized his father’s negative views of himself. Because he was so dissociated from this identification, this information came as a significant shock to him. Indeed, he was for some time unwilling to accept that this could be the case. However, he became increasingly convinced as the therapist continued to point out the similarities between the specific self-attacks he engaged in and his father’s comments about him. For instance, the therapist pointed out John’s references to himself as being a “loser” and “weakling,” terms his father had frequently used to describe him.

With this in mind, the therapist worked with him to revise his perception of his rebelliousness as something to be celebrated and to recognize the damage that he was causing himself. Indeed, he was ultimately acting in accord with his father’s expectations, fulfilling the negative perceptions his father had of him, and accepting his father’s harshly negative views of himself. He slowly began to make efforts to stop using cannabis and regularly exercise. In addition, his increased energy allowed him to seek and take on additional freelance projects, although he still refused to take a regular job. All of these steps aided his self-esteem, enabling him to combat his internalized harsh self-criticisms. Indeed, he resumed online dating, with a belief that women would now be more interested in him. These shifts reduced his symptoms of anxiety and depression.

Dissociation Essential Reads

Dissociation: Imagination and Error in Criminal Justice

When Telling Your Story Costs You

In this treatment, the therapist was able to identify this pattern of trauma, dissociation, rebelliousness, and shame and eventually help the patient identify these dissociated self and other representations. It is not unusual for this process to take time, as it is difficult to accept both that one is enraged at the traumatizing figure and that one has internalized this figure’s views. A self-punitive element is also part of this cycle, as individuals unconsciously engineer their own self-punishment for their rebelliousness, attacking and damaging themselves. In these circumstances, work within the transference is often valuable, as patients may rebel against aspects of the treatment (e.g., missing sessions) and at the same time fear that the therapist will judge them harshly. This provides a direct in-session opportunity to observe and integrate the dissociative elements.

To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.