Addressing Trauma-Driven Negative Relationship Cycles

Many interactive patterns or dynamics have been described that lead couples into negative or vicious interpersonal cycles (Johnson, 2019; Watzlawick et al., 1967). A well-described pattern involves one member of a couple who is obsessional and prone to emotional distance with a partner who is dependent and attention seeking (Barnett, 1971). The latter member’s expression of needs causes the obsessional partner to withdraw, intensifying the longings and frustrations of the dependent partner.

Other couples suffer from what I have come to describe as interlocking traumatic cycles, which can create persistent conflict and disruption. Each partner brings unresolved traumatic experiences and defensive responses into the relationship, and these vulnerabilities inadvertently trigger one another. One partner's reactions activate the other’s traumatic fears, and these responses in turn reinforce the first partner's traumatic expectations. Because trauma is difficult to recognize and put into words, members of the couple typically blame each other for these problems, not recognizing the influence of old wounds. In some cases, individuals with complementary traumatic vulnerabilities may be drawn to one another, perhaps in part through unconscious attempts to master earlier traumatic experiences (see the tendency to repeat trauma in Busch, 2026, and Freud, 1920). Identifying these dynamics in treatment is often crucial for relieving these conflicts.

I will provide two examples to demonstrate these patterns and how to address them. In one instance, James, who was in therapy for dissatisfaction with his job and tensions in his marriage, engaged in intermittent sports betting. Although the level of betting was not causing significant financial problems, his wife responded with intense anger and anxiety when she learned of it. After these reprimands, James bet a more significant amount, triggering his wife’s threat to pursue separation and divorce. She pressed him to pursue marital therapy. In his individual therapy, James initially minimized the impact of his behavior, stating that his wife was completely overreacting and was resistant to exploring it.

In couples’ treatment, the therapist explored how his wife’s father had struggled with alcohol abuse to a greater degree than James had been aware of. This alcohol use led to rage outbursts and missing work, causing significant financial problems for the family. They began to consider how his wife’s traumatic childhood contributed to her estimate of the risks and intense distress regarding James’s betting behavior.

At the same time, I explored James’s increased betting after his wife reprimanded him, and he acknowledged he was reacting rebelliously. James began to describe, in greater depth than he had previously, the intense pressure he felt from his father to behave “properly.” Notably, his father was the headmaster at the school James attended and demanded that he be polite and well behaved, as a representative of the father. Any “misbehavior,” such as arriving late at school, was responded to harshly, including with grounding and sometimes more severe physical punishments. His adolescence, once he left the school, was marked by significant rebellious behavior, including acting out by missing school and experimenting with drugs, causing intense ongoing struggles with his father. Although these behaviors began to ease when he went to college, he was still known to be irreverent in his social circle, and his struggles with authority continued in his present job. His dissatisfaction with work involved frustration with what he felt were unfair constraints on his time and creativity.

Thus, James's betting activated his wife’s fears of attack and financial difficulties. Her reactive criticism triggered James's traumatic experience of capricious authority, leading to rebellious behavior that exacerbated her fears.

James's increased recognition of how intense pressures from his father were linked to his resistance to his wife’s demands helped him make a greater effort to curb his betting. His wife, in turn, understood that she was overreacting to the level of threat James’s betting created, linked to traumatic disruptions with her father. James’s efforts to manage his betting and her reduced reprimands created a positive cycle, easing marital tensions. Recognition of the interlocking trauma was crucial in relieving these conflicts.

Another patient, Sarah, had undergone severe verbal and physical abuse growing up, often believing her life was at risk. She presented for treatment feeling under constant threat in her current life, including from her husband. She described him as highly unresponsive to her needs, alternating with episodes of harsh judgment and criticism. While exploring the impact of her childhood trauma on what were clearly symptoms of posttraumatic stress disorder, I suggested she also enter marital therapy to address tensions with her husband. In couples therapy, he claimed that he was under constant attack from his wife, believing that she reacted to very minor failures in responsiveness as if her life was at risk. Ultimately, he would criticize her and then withdraw from her attacks, creating in her an even greater sense of unresponsiveness, exacerbating Sarah’s distress.

While addressing how both partners contributed to the negative cycle, the marital therapist communicated that Sarah overstated her husband’s level of disregard and criticism due to her trauma-based hypervigilance and expectation of harm. This information helped us to reassess the degree of danger she experienced with him.

A recommendation was also made for the husband to pursue individual therapy. Notably, he began to link his perceptions of Sarah to his own early trauma, his defensive reactions to a highly intrusive and critical mother. Furthermore, his increased understanding of his wife’s traumatic experiences helped him to become more empathic. He made efforts to reduce his criticism and maintain responsiveness, easing the negative cycle. Again, through addressing the interlocking trauma, the tensions between them steadily diminished.

Trauma Essential Reads

The Healing Trap

What Happens After the Rescue?

Recognition of each partner's traumatic vulnerabilities transformed their understanding of one another. Behaviors that had previously been experienced as intentional hostility or indifference came to be understood as trauma-driven responses. This shift allowed both partners to respond differently, interrupting the interpersonal cycle that had maintained their distress.

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