Living with Parents: Stunted Development or Opportunity?

20 years ago people graduated from college, they got a well-paying job and then an apartment. In a year or two they found somebody to marry and then the bought a house. The status quo was maintained and society elders were pleased.

Now the price of real estate has quadrupled, rents have quadrupled, the price of utilities has doubled, college tuition has tripled and salaries are higher but not high enough to pay for the increased cost of living.

It doesn't matter if there was a recession, the train has left the station on a cultural shift. It's reasonable for adult children to move in with parents, parents who may have surely overextended themselves during the mortgage boom. Instead of one or two people contributing to the cost of running a household it becomes a group effort. And with houses getting bigger and bigger these days, several people can fit quite comfortably in a McMansion.

The increased cost of living has also had an effect on the marriage rate. One person up to their eyeballs in college debt and bills is bad enough, young people don't wish to compound the pain by marrying and having to shoulder another person's financial burden. And after that, the last thing young people want to do is start making babies.

I read an opinion-piece yesterday about the horrors of having young women drive the upscale rental market. It turns out that young educated women are getting jobs in cities and like to rent apartments instead of buying expensive homes in the suburbs. The conservative pundit thought this phenomenon was contributing to the downfall of society.

I don't think the world is returning to Leave It To Beaver any time soon. It doesn't matter what people think, everybody needs to get used to it.

All this stuff has to be taken into context. Economy,avg age of marriage, and educational attainment. In the grand scheme of things, most adult children lived at home for extended periods of time in history then the opposite. For example, most women in the past did not leave home until marriage or if they became wealthy. Men joined the military or went to stay in dorms or extended family members homes while they completed college or apprenticeships(and these were the lucky middle class/rich kids not the poor ones). We think adult children moving out before the age of 21-25 is the norm but really its not.

At first I was disturbed when my adult sons decided to stay at home.

However, I now feel that it has been good for all of us. They'll move out on their own when they are ready. They have their whole lives to work hard and run on the treadmill...

...or maybe, hopefully, will find a better approach to life.

My oldest completed 2.5 years of college in biology and then dropped out. He went through a period of depression and emotional problems that he has since worked out and is ready to move forward.

It was difficult for us, but then I remembered going through much of the same but in a judgmental pull-yourself-up world. I don't think that my experience had much value, other than to make me feel like a loser while I was going through my issues.

Fortunately, times and attitudes are changing, and I believe for the better. It was wrong for society to force people into traditional roles of conformity. I believe that many of today's problems have been exacerbated by too much conformity and not enough individual fortitude.

Right now we have our sons with us and we are providing a home base from which to launch their lives and build an adult relationship with them that will last our whole lives. My children have strong independent minds -- and I've learned, first hand,that that is worth a great deal in the pursuit of success--however you define it.

After all is said and done, I believe they'll bee very successful in whatever they pursue and society can keep it's judgments to itself.

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I definitely agree with this article but I also think another point of view should be considered. There are some home situations that are not as "bubbly" or as conducive to growth as this article suggests. For example, an abusive (physically and verbally) or even a child of a narcissistic parent. In such situations, the young adult is advised to become independent faster so as to avoid emotional crippling for the rest of their life.

Another trend in solution to not being able to afford independence is the concept of roommates. That is, getting an apartment and having as many roommates as possible to reduce the rent and bill payments.

spontaneous thoughts.

AS an adolescent In Bangladesh, I( a cocky guy) gave a book to my dad ( a Professor & who arranged the party for my 18yrs birthday !) with a handwritten quote from S Freud. " A son can't be a man untill his father dies". + " Home is the place u grow up wanting to leave & grow wise to get back to". The wise guy simply thanked me.
I've apologised last month for that cockiness & he didn't mention that I'm still cocky !!

As a Director / physician of a clinical service, I just submitted a manuscript for an international medical conference / journal with robust "practice based evidence" to formulate "evidence based policy" where data is clear that a lot of financial savings/ conflicts, legal complaints etc etc relates to the social fabric of developed world to pursue "independant -free -will" attitude of children living independtly. I used to think " we've lived with our parents & will live for our children". I now think " Our parents live through us for our children". Whatever we do / think / feel etc echos through eternity. 'll appreciate any comment to enlighten a medic ( almost impossible task !!)

spontaneous thoughts.

AS an adolescent In Bangladesh, I( a cocky guy) gave a book to my dad ( a Professor & who arranged the party for my 18yrs birthday !) with a handwritten quote from S Freud. " A son can't be a man untill his father dies". + " Home is the place u grow up wanting to leave & grow wise to get back to". The wise guy simply thanked me.
I've apologised last month for that cockiness & he didn't mention that I'm still cocky !!

As a Director / physician of a clinical service, I just submitted a manuscript for an international medical conference / journal with robust "practice based evidence" to formulate "evidence based policy" where data is clear that a lot of financial savings/ conflicts, legal complaints etc etc relates to the social fabric of developed world to pursue "independant -free -will" attitude of children living independtly. I used to think " we've lived with our parents & will live for our children". I now think " Our parents live through us for our children". Whatever we do / think / feel etc echos through eternity. 'll appreciate any comment to enlighten a medic ( almost impossible task !!)

I live on 10 acres with my husband and young adult son and daughter, both in their early twenties. This sharing of a property, home and life is a conscious decision for all of us, and the interdependence involved is one we all consider healthy and mutually beneficial. My husband is a builder and I am a disabled artist. We are not wealthy people, and had no great nest egg to pass on to our children as they reached maturity; all of our funds are invested in the rural property on which we all live. Our son is working to create a career in organic farming. Most would-be young farmers work on other peoples' farms for low wages, dreaming and hoping of the day that they might, just might be able to scrape together funds for a farm of their own. Because he does not have to do this, our son can focus on building his farming and business skills in practical application. He contributes to our family's survival by growing food (fruit, vegetables, and goat's milk at this time) and sharing in household and property tasks. He is also the family's main "paperwork guy", keeping financial records and doing the taxes etc. At this time, he shares greatly in housework and in care for me so that his sister can focus more time on her studies. Our daughter, who was my primary care giver during the hours my husband is at work for many of the past years, has been working by distance education towards a career in educational psychology, which she hopes to run from a home or nearby office when the time comes. She has a share in the farm and does a portion of farm work each day, which helps keep her fit and healthy. She enjoys cooking and does much of the household baking. Because she is not struggling to pay her own rent and expenses while studying, she can focus on her schooling fully. Because my young adult children live with me and provide much needed care for me, my husband can work full time providing income for our family's needs while I live at home and we do not need to hire outside help for me to survive.

Although our situation is uniquely workable for us, and we are lucky to have very positive relationships, enjoying each other’s company and most of the time working very well together as a team, I feel that the modern, urban, industrialized view that extended family living together is somehow wrong or twisted is in itself wrong and twisted, and completely manufactured. Unless there is an unhealthy atmosphere of abuse or serious incompatibility of personality or lifestyle, there is every reason for families to pool their resources and share a life together; financially, environmentally, and emotionally, there is everything to gain. Sure we could have 3 separate properties and households, each having to buy every resource separately and redundantly; that's what a consumer culture would have us believe. But that is nonsense. Farming families have lived this way for centuries. Multiple generations living together can work just as well in an urban setting as long as there is good communication, affection, respect, and shared responsibilities. Sure there are challenges, but overcoming them is a part of learning to live in the world and learning to create and continue long term relationships that involve compromise and consensus; important life skills. We are sharing a life, working together to help our children reach their goals, in fact common goals, enjoying each other’s company as adults, benefiting from mutual support and shared resources. Our property is zoned for multiple dwellings. If one of our children ends up with a partner who would prefer a separate house, rather than an extension of this one, we can do that; in fact, gee whiz, their father is a builder. But for now, we are enjoying sharing the house as well as the property and all of us hope that their spouses might do the same. Built in babysitting, and mutual support. This is in no way abnormal. It is only in very recent times that a prejudice or stigma against it has been manufactured. Like millions of human beings all around the world have done before us and continue to do, we are simply enjoying a way of life that works.

I am one of those adult children who has always lived at home. With my parents on vacation for several months I am now realizing just days after my 30th birthday that I am one of those children that has been catered to by my parents. Our culture is one of the main reasons they did it. I don't blame them and ultimately is it I who must take responsibility. Although I've had the opportunity to contribute significantly financially over the past 2 years, I still feel as though I haven't grown up. I don't see myself leaving either. It's hard to explain with the cultural piece being a factor, in addition to my unwillingness to 'grow up'.

My son lived with a young lady for two years while at college. Upon graduation, he moved back in with us, bringing his girlfriend along. At first, it seemed like it would be a short visit for his girlfriend. He and she share the same room and my wife and I are okay with that aspect. What bothers me though, is that the stay has "evolved" into one that has no defined time-line. We later learned that the young lady is not on good terms with her mother, and thus is not invited to come back home with her. My wife says that we should be supportive and understanding, and give them both time to "get their feet on the ground" and establish the basis for careers and a stronger relationship. I have been through an emotional roller-coaster on this - I can see my wife's point of view, but then find creeping anger coming into my thoughts as I think that, if a couple wants to live together, they should do it on their own time and own coin - or else they just shouldn't. This continues to create stress for me, but my wife genuinely enjoys having our son (and his girlfriend) staying with us, and would be saddened to see them both leave on account of my impatience. Is it reasonable to request some sort of setting of a deadline for their stay - or in this economy - would that be like throwing them to the wolves? Am I a poor father and husband for not sharing my wife's impulses for support and acceptance?

My grandfather passed on, when I was 3. My grandmother always lived with one of her children. It was a perk that every grandchild in the family wanted & it was helpful.

When my own father passed, my mother moved in with us. She had her job/career. She had her friends. She just didn't want to live alone. We split expenses. It allowed my husband & I to buy a nice home & save, too. It saved her money as well.

About 5 years ago, I was placed on chemo. My husband does business, in 3 states. He has to go out-of-town, weekly. Our only child moved back home to give us a hand. If I needed help, he was here. On the really bad days, it took him & his father. It allowed him to pay-off his student loans, in less than 2 years. Then, he started saving to buy a home. Not many Millennials can afford to do that. He has his career & pays his bills. He splits utility bills with us. So, obviously, it's been a perk for all of us. We say, "We're a team." And we are.

Since the Great Recession, I have noticed many adult children living at home in our neighborhood & elsewhere. Consider the show "Mike & Molly". They are adult children, well into their 30s, living at home. There are other examples on television, as well.

Multi-generational households can be very productive for all concerned. Thankfully, it doesn't carry the stigma that it once did. Many cultures appreciate & encourage this dynamic. It is
beneficial, on so many levels.

I agree. I have told my children that they can stay as long as they like, as long as they assist with chores, bills, intellectual capital, etc. Kicking them out helps the ECONOMY not the child.

I moved back in with my parents in Sweden after having lived and worked in London for 16 years. So far so good. Living alone in a big city and almost on the breadline made me miserable . The rent was very high and so was the general cost of living. Then came brexit. .. moving back has worked for us I work fulltime and we split the household costs equally between us. We get on really well. My parents are in their 70ies and need a hand around the house and I need a bit of company some times. I don't feel hampered or held back. I have quite an active life outside of home as well. At first I thought it would be awkward to move in with mum and dad at 34 but we discussed it through over the course of a few days and financially it makes sense for all of us. I still go to London for holidays to give my parents a break every now and then, spending time apart is healthy but spending time together is good for us as well. We are all slightly introverted lol