Why Does It Seem Like So Many People Lack Empathy?

In these divisive times, people on both sides of the political aisle accuse each other of having no empathy, but is it really possible that half of the U.S. population lacks empathy? While there certainly are people who lack empathy, they make up a very small percentage of the population. So, what is really going on here?

The first problem is that we speak of empathy as though it is one thing that each of us either has or doesn’t have. The reality isn’t that simple. There are at least three types of empathy and our capacity for each varies depending on our neurobiology and circumstances. Let’s unwrap them:¹

Cognitive empathy. Cognitive empathy refers to the ability to understand another person’s perspective, including their reactions, thoughts, and feelings. Someone with cognitive empathy is apt to say, “I can definitely see why you reacted that way.” Cognitive empathy is an essential skill for conflict resolution and exercising it during conflict strengthens relational bonds.

Emotional empathy. Emotional empathy is the ability to feel an emotion that another person is feeling. For example, you may tear up when a friend tearfully shares that her dog died. Emotional empathy strengthens relationships via the release of oxytocin, the “bonding” hormone, which calms the nervous system and makes us feel a connection to the other person.

Compassionate empathy. Compassionate empathy is when a person’s emotional empathy moves them into action. An example is a person who felt sad that his friend lost her home in a flood so he helped her relocate.

Our capacity for all types of empathy varies such that we may be highly empathetic at times and highly unempathetic at others. Stress is the biggest modifiable factor that suppresses our capacity to express empathy. It operates on empathy via three pathways:

1. Stress activates the sympathetic nervous system, putting the body into “fight or flight” mode. This physiological response forces our attention inward to process the stressor, which impairs our ability to express empathy.² For example, if a friend confides in you when you are under stress, you will have a harder time processing their experience, which reduces your capacity to express empathy.
2. Stress also activates the amygdala (the fear center of the brain) which suppresses activity in the prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain that regulates emotions and empathy.² In general, stress readies the body and brain to tackle the stressor, which reduces bandwidth for empathy toward others.
3. Stress also colors our perceptions of other people’s behavior in a way that makes them seem more threatening.³ For example, let’s say you are panicked because you are late for work when your roommate calls to say their car broke down. Your immediate response is “I’m late, I can’t help you!” Instead of empathizing, you interpret the roommate’s behavior as presenting a threat to your time. Under calm conditions, you likely would have responded differently.

To be sure, people can still be empathetic when under stress. It is just a heavier emotional lift, and if stress becomes chronic or extreme, empathy can become too heavy of a lift. We’re all guilty of low empathy from time to time, but that doesn’t mean that we are incapable of empathy. Here are five strategies to maximize your capacity for empathy.

1. Control Stress. Because stress suppresses empathy, the most effective way to preserve your capacity for empathy is to more effectively manage stress. Deep breathing, meditation, adequate sleep, good nutrition, exercise, therapy, and medication are all worth exploring to that end.
2. Seek Empathy. Receiving empathy from another person releases oxytocin, a stress-relieving hormone.⁴ This means that confiding in a friend during stress (rather than isolating) will not only reduce stress but also revive your emotional bandwidth for empathy.
3. Avoid Unsolicited Problem-Solving. When a friend vents to you, more often than not they are in search of that oxytocin hit to relieve their stress and feel a sense of connectedness. This is why jumping into problem solving, while well-meaning, so often backfires. Problem-solving in a situation where empathy was desired can be perceived as dismissive or judgmental by inadvertently sending the message that the person needs fixing or overlooked an obvious solution. When a person approaches you to vent, first ask them if they want to be heard, hugged, or helped. You will be surprised how many people pick heard and hugged, and how few people pick helped. Most venting is simply a reach out for connection.
4. Ask More Questions. The path to empathy lies in asking enough questions until you get there. If you are puzzled by someone’s perspective, approach the situation like a detective, gathering all the information you can until the mystery is solved. All behavior (and emotions) make sense once you have the right information.
5. Brush Up on Your Emotional Literacy. A patient once told me the only emotion they know is anger. This is a sign of alexithymia, which refers to difficulty in identifying emotions.⁵ If you have difficulty identifying how you feel, other people’s emotions will be even more baffling, and this makes empathy exceedingly difficult. Emotion-focused therapies may be useful as they teach people how to identify and regulate emotions.

Let’s use all of this information to address the original question of why people on both sides of the political aisle perceive each other as empathy deficient. The answer may lie in the extent to which each group views the other as a threat. Feeling under threat triggers a stress response and this moves us away from empathy and toward self-protection. This has left us in a situation in which two groups feel threatened, with neither empathizing with the other. Progress will require diffusing the sense of threat by starting with points of agreement and a willingness among both parties to ask a lot of questions, and most importantly, to manage their stress response.