For most people Gender is a very simple thing. When you are born a midwife, doula, doctor or nurse looks at a babies genitals and decides whether the baby is female or male. That magic letter “F” or “M” is put on the babies birth certificate and the gender of the baby is settled. Or is it?
Women continue to internalize the sociocultural assumptions that grant their male partners' sexual needs over their own. Understanding this pattern of behavior is empowering to women as they negotiate their sexual agency with health care providers, lovers and life partners.
Would you be concerned about your sexuality if you were told that you didn't have long to live? If breathing was hard. If going to the bathroom was a struggle? What if your connection to your own eroticism, or orgasm was something that you always had - but the disease that was stealing your life was now taking that too? Would you care?
Few women like their bodies. So stepping forward and getting naked or nearly naked in front of a camera has become the newest way for some mid life women to reclaim their body as beautiful. It's a radical and provocative act of self acceptance. And it's brave.
The fastest growing market in sex education today is "Baby Boomers." They grew up in the sexy '60s and are now confronting their own myths around sexuality, mid-life and aging. Boomers grew up believing that after 50 was a fast trip into a kind of sexual deep sleep. Now that many boomers have received their AARP card, they are finding that they're not ready for a nap.
When you turn 50, you have a choice to make as a sexual being – and it is a choice. Are you going to go into menopause and close down the part of yourself that is a sexual being? Is menopause the signal that we are done being sexual? Some people think so; but there is even a greater population who are stepping into mid life sexuality with a sense of excitement and freedom.
Women over 50 are not usually struggling to establish a marriage, a career or a family. They are ready to do something different and their focus has suddenly begun to center on their relationship to their own sexuality.
So how does she get started? First she needs to let go of the idea that women over the age of 50 have a diminishing or lower libido after menopause.
As daughters we cannot repair or save our mothers lives. But we can choose to offer ourselves and our mothers compassion. We can step away and fulfill our own potential as women without this underlying fear that our relationship with our own pleasure and sexual expression is something dangerous.
"I worry if I have too much pleasure that something bad will happen to me, like I will stop being responsible. Or I will go off the rails. It’s not just sex, it’s also food, or dancing – anywhere I have pleasure. I always cut it short. I have to be responsible and leave early so I can make sure that I won’t be late for work in the morning."
So, you want to travel to India, find inner peace, learn "Tantra", have a healthy and delicious relationship with your own body and have an extraordinary sex life.
You say that you want to "find your orgasm", raise your libido, learn how to attract a lover or relight the fire on the relationship that you currently have. So why aren't you?
Are you playing small?
I meet women every day who want something more in their lives when it comes to their relationship with their own bodies. They feel shut down and turned off when it come to their own sexual selves. They describe to me a general feeling of numbness, lack of sexual desire and this feeling that someone just turned off the switch "down there".
The quantity of inspirational messages that flood me daily from my self help colleagues vying for attention can bring me to mental shut down. So how do you find your path to happiness? How can you support your New Year's Resolutions? How do you find the right “self help”in spite of all the inspiration?
When a trend which has been considered a "sexual fetish or kink" invades our clothing and music - it's time to sit up and take notice. So what is BDSM? Is it really just about people who are into giving and receiving pain; or is it more?
If women can't trust other women; if we can't form relationships with other women, support other women and see the beauty in their bodies and sexual expression—we are disconnecting from ourselves in an unconscious and destructive way.
If we can educate our daughters about their sexuality in an open and trusting way; always empowering them to listen to their own bodies before the will of anyone else—we will be preventing so much life long heartache.
The new "female Viagra" is supposed to rekindle a woman's fire to prevent the extinction of the marriage bond and fidelity. Now, mind you, women—even those who have become quite creative at dodging the sex bullet at home—are perfectly capable of feeling desire when there’s someone sexy walking by.
We can all have passionate, sexy long term marriages and relationships. But first we have to unlock ourselves. Make room for our own self discovery, and then make room for our partners. We need to learn how to give our relationships air.
Create space while knowing that there is some security.. It is the secret surprise to passion.
One person might call their relationship "monogamous" because they always sleep at home, but otherwise, they feel free to go out and play sexually outside their relationship. Their partner may feel that what is happening is an "open marriage" and may not agree to that. It's important to ask your partner when it comes sex, "What does this mean to you?"
Many of us want to be seen as hot and sexy. And perhaps most of all, we want to feel like those women look in those women's magazines. There they are, sipping a Margarita with smoky knowing eyes about to have the most incredible experiences in the universe. Right? Maybe? But sometimes I feel confronted by them.
"Do you believe that lost desire can be reclaimed? Specifically, in a long, happy enough marriage, where sexual desire and satisfaction used to exist, can we find a new way to pleasure when it's been gone for a while?"
Have you ever considered the importance of your presence in the life of a child without actually being that’s child’s mother? What if we didn’t run from the role Aunt (whether it is a biological connection or the child of a best friend), while we are trying to conceive and instead embraced it? Is that possible?