Pamela Madsen

Shameless Woman

After 50: Standing at the Sexual Crossroads

When you turn 50, you have a choice to make as a sexual being.

Posted May 22, 2014

Whenever I talk to women about sex after menopause I get three very strong responses:

1. I'm having the best sex of my life!

2. I have no sexual desire anymore and I have no desire to have any sexual desire anymore!

3. My body has changed, sex hurts, my desire is way down. I know that there is more sexual expression available in my body and I don't know how to access it.

When you turn 50, you have a choice to make as a sexual being – and it is a choice. Are you going to go into menopause and close down the part of yourself that is a sexual being? Is menopause the signal that we are done being sexual? Some people think so; but there is even a greater population who are stepping into mid life sexuality with a sense of excitement and freedom.

For many women after 50, they have a brand new sense of autonomy in their lives and the freedom from menstruation can create a time of more spontaneous sex, that is free from the worry of pregnancy. Simply losing the fear of pregnancy can open up brand new doors to a woman's sexual desire and not having to mess with birth control can be very sexy!

Menopause can usher in decades of pleasure where people have the best sex of their lives. But you have to get rid of “Menopause Mind” and that means giving up years of brain washing that with menopause comes a kind of sexual slow death.

So how do you get rid of “Menopause Brain”?

1. Get honest with your body. If there are physical changes in your desire, or actual discomfort during sexual activity this can be normal. But most of these shifts in our physical being can be addressed with really simple fixes like lubricant, arousal gels like “Sex Butter”, “Zestra” or estrogen.

2. Give up the idea that you are no longer sexually desirable. The sexiest thing a woman can bring to the bedroom is her sexual desire and a sense of freedom in her own body. If you are willing to be curious, and have a sense of sexual adventure – you will be sexually desirable. There is nothing sexier than a woman who believes that she is hot. Can you believe it?

3. If you are single and over 50 give up the idea that you can't find a partner. Perhaps it's time to broaden your scope of desire? In the fifties, do you still need a partner to “provide” for you financially? Do you only look for partners that are financially well off or powerful? Do you have an age limit? Are you being ageist in your willingness to look at men who older or younger than you? Sometimes we have to give up this “idea” of who the perfect partner is, to welcome in a fabulous partner. Give up the idea of “perfect”. The needs of a woman over 50 can be very different than a woman in her 20's or 30's. Try on letting go of your old ideas, and take a look at what you really need now.

Are you standing at the cross roads? Remember, this: Just because a woman is post-menopausal doesn't mean that a sexual switch is turned off in her body. In fact, if you choose it, you might find a time of sexual expression that far surpasses any other time in your life. Really. And you might really be struggling with your sexuality right now and feel like you have tried everything to no avail. My best advice is to try something else. There is always something new to support women over 50 with their sexualty. So if my tips are "been there, done that". Do something else that is different. Perhaps it is time to reach out for help.

What To Do After Reading This Article:

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1. Read my previous blog on Sexuality and Women Over 50.

2. Want to learn more about Pamela and Pamela's sexuality coaching practice? Visit here.

3. Want to learn about Pamela's sexuality retreats for women? Go Here. "Back to The Body:Sensuous Retreats for Women".

4. Want to read Pamela book? "Shameless: How I Ditched The Diet, Got Naked, Found True Pleasure and Somehow Got Home in Time to Cook Dinner?"

 5. Want to take advantage of Pamela's free offer to reader's at Psychology Today and join her community of sex education and support for women? Join here and put PT Offer in your profile. Do not pay the $25.00.