Pamela Madsen

Shameless Woman


Four Building Blocks for Ecstatic Sex: It Starts in the Mind

When you are having sex, where are you placing your attention?

Posted Nov 07, 2011

I spent my Sunday taking a workshop with Barbara Carrellas author of Urban Tantra  and the soon to be released Ecstasy is Necessary: A Practical Guide. Barbara is a fabulous teacher and loves to say that nothing is new when it comes to sex. I agree with Barbara on that one, along with her next thought that "it is all in the language." It's through language that we are able to grow our understanding of our sexuality and convert that understanding into more bliss in our own sexual practices.

Everyone it seems is looking for how to have a better sex life or to use Barbara's words "How to maintain sexual ecstasy in your life." Because let's face it—we all should all have ecstatic in our lives.

Woman and Ecstasy

Four Building Blocks For Ecstatic Sex:

Four Building Blocks To Better Sex

Four Building Blocks To Better Sex

1. It all starts in the mind. Come on—do you even remember that you have arms and legs during a mind blowing orgasm? Of course you don't. Sex starts in the mind with thought. Where are you placing your attention? During love making are you thinking about making love or something else like what your boss said to you at that meeting? I loved Barbara's analogy of sexual attention and meditation. How many times does your mind drift during meditation? That is why we mediate with mantras—to keep our mind as clear from clutter as possible. It is the same thing with ecstatic sex. Keep your mind as focused as you can on receiving or giving sexual pleasure. When you mind wanders—gently bring it back—just like you would if you were meditating.

2. Breath is essential. Once again, just like in meditation—the quality of your sexual experience could be linked to whether you are breathing enough. Sex educators love to talk about the "Quiet and Quick" rule. This is something that most of us learned as young people when we discovered that our genitals gave us pleasure. We learned to be quiet and quick in order not to be heard and not to be discovered. Unfortunately, for many people these sexual habits remain with us for the rest of our lives. If you want to have mind blow sex, you need to breathe. If you breathe a little bit—you have smaller orgasms. If you can learn to open your lungs and breathe in a lot of oxygen—your potential of more pleasure grows.

3. Make Noise. Let's go back to the "Quiet and Quick" rule that so many of us learned living in our parent's house. We learned if we wanted to self pleasure (masturbate)—we needed to be quiet.
No one wants our parents or siblings to walk in on us. Once again, many of us have kept that rule into our adult lives. We don't want to be heard. Maybe it is no longer parents that we are concerned about—perhaps now it is children or neighbors. So keep a soft pillow near by and make noise into that if you are worried about bringing the house down. But open up that throat if you want to increase your sexual pleasure. Making noise and breathing are keys to heating up your sexual engine.

4. Learn to move. Shake it up! In the world of Tantra they often teach us to move like a wave or a dolphin. If you like you could stand up and practice that. But the technique is not important at all—the point is that stillness is not always your friend when you are looking for sexual bliss. Think of making love as a dance. You need to move your hips!

So, the next time you are thinking about how to being more essential goodness to your love making and ramp up your sexual pleasure—remember the four components: Mind, Breath, Noise and Movement. Do it your way—as Barbara says "Paint it green and dust it with sprinkles!" Own it and make it yours. Be Shameless in your pleasure. I bet it will be fabulous. Just remember the trick with the pillow!