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Narcissism
The Blaming Narcissist
Narcissists protect against shame by shifting blame to others.
Posted March 10, 2025 Reviewed by Monica Vilhauer Ph.D.
When things go wrong, who or what is to blame? Humans are moral animals. This is not to say that we always behave honorably or morally, only that our minds are deeply tethered to a view of the world through a lens of moral “rightness” or “wrongness.” My professional interest has been in the self-focused emotions of guilt and shame, which provide an immediate emotional awareness of the nature of wrongness.
A guilty awareness emerges when we believe that our actions have caused harm to others. The guilty motivation is to apologize or make amends. A shameful awareness is triggered as we feel a sudden shrinking sense that we are fundamentally bad, deficient, or unworthy according to some social standard. Unlike guilt, shame may motivate a wish to hide or to lash out angrily. When feeling guilt or shame, we are directly experiencing the sense of having done or being wrong. When we blame, the wrongness is elaborated, attributed, or projected to the issue at hand.
If we listen carefully, we find that blame narratives emerge fully formed, almost instantaneously. The identity of the blameworthy culprit is generally blurted out rather than arrived at through careful consideration. In the biblical Garden of Eden, we witness perhaps the first chronicle of the blaming dynamic. When confronted by God for their defiance of his injunction not to eat of the fruit of the tree of knowledge of good and evil, Adam quickly casts blame upon his wife, while Eve blames the serpent. Wise biblical authors emphasized the profound influence of shame in human nature by making this story the first scriptural observation on human behavior.
Studies by cognitive scientists reveal that justifications for a blaming narrative generally develop downstream from the initial impulse to cast blame in a particular direction. After an unwanted outcome, in our immediate mind’s eye, we feel an urge to proclaim: “That was not my fault; it only happened because of her.” It is after this initial arrow of blame is aimed (out of conscious awareness) that our seemingly more sophisticated moral judgments are plausibly generated and rationalized by “interpreter modules” in our (verbal) left brain hemispheres. We become conscious and certain in a stance that may amount to little more than a post-hoc cementing of an immediate emotional reaction.
Personality Fingerprints
Like fingerprints, patterns of immediate blaming impulses may reveal clues to innate moral wiring. People who are guilt-prone, having an exaggerated sensitivity to feeling responsible for harming others, often default to self-blaming narratives when wrongness is detected. Guilty neurotics may thus struggle with feelings of irrational guilt, blaming themselves for things out of their control, imagining they have committed harm when there was none.
Conversely, narcissistic personalities develop in the context of the need to preserve a grandiose view of the self as morally righteous and free of fault. When badness or wrongness is detected or alleged, narcissists externalize blame, assigning fault to others. While we generally focus on the grandiose, boasting, self-satisfied face of narcissism, there is another side to the narcissist that is generally hidden from view.
If you know a narcissist, you are aware that he or she is often preoccupied with issues of blame and grievance. The narcissistic personality organization demands a steady diet of attention or approval that reality cannot supply. Feeling deprived of what they deem deserved admiration, dominance, or appreciation, narcissists become hypervigilant for those to blame for this injustice. Anyone who regularly interacts with a narcissist can expect to be blamed irrationally for various acts or omissions, including those actually committed by the narcissist. Following are some familiar patterns of narcissistic blame tactics in response to a perceived challenge to their moral rectitude.
Blame Reversal
Reversal is the simplest and most common response to blame by the narcissist. This tactic is familiar in young children as they transition through phases of normal childhood narcissism. Being blamed for having done something wrong or inappropriate will immediately mobilize a sense of victimization for the narcissist, who lashes out by blaming the accuser. If the accuser is guilt-prone (often the case because they are easier to manipulate with guilty accusations), the counter-accusation can be emotionally disruptive.
Suddenly, the person complaining about the narcissist is put on the defensive, confused by a wish to comfort or apologize to the very person who committed the affront. For example, imagine that a narcissistic individual has repeatedly ignored texts or phone calls from a former close friend. Living in a self-absorbed mental world in which other people are seen mainly as instruments for self-enhancement, the needs of the ex-friend may have become inconvenient or unimportant to the narcissist. But when confronted, the narcissist will triumphantly invent or call up a remote instance in which the former friend failed to respond immediately to his needs, avoiding any admission of fault.
Reversing Cause and Effect
Another common tactic is to reverse cause and effect. If accused of having done something wrong, the narcissist individual may claim that the accuser “made me do it.” This is often the case in abusive domestic relationships, where the perpetrator will assume the victim role after having been called to account for committing yet another act of abuse. In the narcissistic mind of the abuser, reminders of having committed abuse mobilize primitive defenses against shame at having lost control of a lurking narcissistic rage.
Narcissists learn early in life that any threat to their exaggerated but fragile level of self-esteem is intolerable. They have, thus, failed to integrate a realistic picture of themselves that includes and acknowledges their undesirable personality traits. Blind to their responsibility for having harmed their partner, the narcissist adopts the role of victim, simultaneously identifying with the sympathetic qualities of victimhood while projecting the undesirable role of abuser onto their partner, seen as deserving of the abuse.
Shifting Topics
When they are actually to blame for an issue at hand, a narcissist may defensively shift to another topic to minimize their experience of shame. For example, when being blamed for failing in a parenting responsibility, the narcissist might accuse the spouse of spending too much money. The parenting failure is never addressed, while the spouse is busy defending his or her spending habits. This maneuver renders rational argument difficult, as the only permitted topic will default to complaints about the person making the complaint.
Coping With Narcissistic Blame
When we are blamed unfairly, particularly by a close friend or family member, our first instinct may be to defend ourselves or argue with our accuser. In my clinical experience, these responses are seldom helpful when dealing with a blaming narcissist. Narcissists are adept at such argument because they spend considerable mental time rehearsing and reviewing various grievances resulting from their pathological need to preserve an inflated self-image. Furthermore, because their self-esteem is vulnerable, tied to being free of fault, they are much more invested in “winning” such an argument.
Boundaries
Firm boundaries are essential in dealing with narcissists. The following are suggested boundary areas:
- Don’t accept irrational blame
- Do not defend yourself (this will only provoke further mistreatment)
- Be aware of attempts to manipulate you with guilt
If the narcissist is becoming angry or potentially losing control, you need to end the confrontation and walk away, letting the narcissist know that you are willing to resume contact at a later time when they are in control of their anger.
Consider ending the relationship altogether if it is having a negative impact on your mental well-being or safety.
