Sexual Mindfulness Is Not an Activity but a Way of Life

Our brains are designed to think. But when our brains are not trained, they may overthink, and get stuck in loops of rumination, anxiety, and self-doubt.[i] From a neurological perspective, this mental prattle is part of the Default Mode Network (DMN). According to Reichle “the default mode network appears to be playing a commanding role. Our challenge is to better define that role, which will likely force us to rethink well-established concepts such as attention...” What we give attention to is critical. Do we allow negative self-talk, depleting rapid-fire judgment, or do we give intentional space to slow down thoughts and bring curiosity to interactions?

In a study to examine the connection between mind wandering and happiness, Killingsworth and Gilbert (2010)[ii] asked thousands of participants using an iPhone app in real time what their mood was, what they currently doing, and what they were currently thinking. The results indicated that more than what you were doing, what you were thinking determined your mood. Mind wandering was associated with feeling unhappy. One way to train our control center (DMN) is through meditation and mindfulness.[iii] Using a disciplined practice of periods of quiet allows you to silence the destructive chatter and instead anchor yourself in the present moment.

Sexual Mindfulness

So, what does this have to do with your sexual relationship? Everything. So much of arousal, pleasure, and connection occur in our brain. If we are mind wandering during sex (which many do) we miss out on the experience that is intended to bond, to create positive interaction, and to provide a safe place for emotional intimacy.[iv] The research on sexual mindfulness supports this idea. Not only do couples report more satisfaction with sex, but they also report more frequent sex, kissing, emotional intimacy, and orgasm. They also report more relational satisfaction, greater stability, and better communication. When sexually mindful couples experience conflict, they feel better about the conflict resolution as well.[v]

Sexual mindfulness isn’t just an activity to which you occasionally give attention to have better sex. It is a way of living so that your mind is trained to notice details, slow down, refrain from judgment, and instead use curiosity to learn more about yourself, your partner, and how the two of you interact. Mindful interactions will not just be limited to the bedroom, they need to be occurring throughout the day with everyone you engage with.

Increasing Mindfulness

Our natural level of mindfulness in any given situation is called trait mindfulness. Our ability to be mindful within a particular context is called state mindfulness. Practice of mindfulness in everyday low-stress experiences enables us to apply that skill to more challenging situations.[vi] Because sex elevates our stress levels because of increased vulnerability or just pleasure, it may be challenging to remain mindful during sex. However, every bit of effort to slow down thoughts, focus attention, and encourage curiosity builds strength and skill. Heightening state mindfulness through practice over time increases trait mindfulness.[vii] Consequently, measuring state mindfulness is important as the more individuals can maintain a state of mindfulness, the stronger trait mindfulness will become.

Following are a few suggestions to increase both state and trait mindfulness:

• When faced with a challenging interaction, pause and breathe. Notice what you are feeling and where in your body you feel it. Just notice it and be curious.
• Take a walk and notice the warmth of the sun or the wind on your face.
• Encourage a curious attitude. When something feels off or hurtful, explore what is beneath these feelings.
• Touch your heart or face or stomach when you feel distress. Practice sending love to that area and speaking gently about your response.
• During sex, slow down to notice how it feels to touch your spouse or how it feels to be touched. Think of what the two of you have overcome to be here together. Savor the moment you have to feel connection and love.
• Before sex, linger in a long hug. Notice whether you can relax easily or if you have held tension. Give space for your emotions to surface and talk about what come to your mind.

Couples that live a more mindful life will be able to share their bodies in a way that creates a more meaningful connection and more enjoyable sexual experience. A strong sexual connection is an important component in strengthening a marriage and encouraging more playful interactions and stronger bonds.