How Being Mindful During Sex Changes Everything

How can slowing down improve sex? For some, it may seem counterintuitive. But don’t be fooled. Just because steamy movies depict fast sex where partners hit the high note together doesn’t mean that sex really plays out that way for most couples. Science reveals that mindfulness, or slowing the arousal process down, may effectively improve sex in several ways.  In fact, the evidence couldn’t be clearer that slower sex is more passionate sex. Mindfulness focuses on accepting the here-and-now and letting go of the what-ifs, the too-bads, and the should-haves.

Read on and consider four ways mindfulness can improve your sex life: 

Sexual Mindfulness Alleviates Anxiety and Encourages Connection 

Anxiety is the enemy of arousal. When men or women experience performance anxiety or sexual dysfunction, their stress, fear, judgment, and shame will often create muscle tension, doubt, insecurity, and lack of confidence in sex as well as the overall relationship. Mindfulness is one way to interrupt that process and regain control.

Research has found that men who slowed down their thoughts and dismissed judgmental ideas improved both their erectile issues and satisfaction with their sexual experiences. Although we still need more research, it certainly seems that mindfulness gives men a powerful way to take back their own sexual functioning, desire, and arousal. 

Likewise, more mindful women feel empowerment when dealing with painful sex and were able to think differently about the pain and diminish the distressing nature of sex. We know the brain and body interact and mindfulness can help address physical responses by addressing emotional factors like stress and anxiety. Mindfulness is often the antidote to sexual anxiety and sexual stress.

Mindfulness Encourages Sexual Desire 

When couples feel heightened stress (and let’s face it, who isn’t feeling heightened stress nowadays), sexual desire takes a hit. Quarantine, surging health concerns, conflict worldwide, and inflation can all contribute to feelings of stress and conflict. These layered concerns can take a toll on sexual desire. For some, desire may seem frivolous or unimportant. But when stress is ever-present, it erodes libido.

Again, we see that physical stress can be interrupted through emotional acknowledgment and mindfulness. When we take a minute to reconnect with our breath, we begin to notice where we’re holding tension, what emotions are troubling us, and maybe even why.

Research is clear that mindfulness, even simple practices like a body scan or a repeated mantra, can help us feel greater desire.

Mindfulness Increases Sexual Enjoyment and Satisfaction 

It can be hard to enjoy sex when it’s so quick that we hardly had time to recognize it happened. Slowing down arousal and noticing the movement of our bodies together, the smell of our partner’s body, the sensation when our partner touches the back of our neck—these details create a feeling that is just as meaningful for intimacy as arousal. When we are fully immersed in the moment, we can savor these small elements of our sexual experience.

The opposite is also true. Mindless sex is filled with thoughts about our to-do list, the next day, or some fear about not being enough. With mindfulness, we can be curious about why we feel anxious, but then we let it dissipate and fade to black. We reconnect moment to moment to really be present for ourselves and our partner. When we do this, we sense more of the signals within the relationship and sexual interaction.

Mindfulness Creates Space for a More Consistent Orgasm

Recent research shows that mindful couples are more likely to have a consistent orgasm and feel more satisfaction from the sexual experience.

Orgasm is an elusive thing for some women, but mindful women are better able to find their groove more often than mindless women. Men also report feeling better sexual outcomes when they’re mindful during sex.

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Put It Into Practice

Try it out. Slow sex down. Revel in the moment as you touch, share feelings, and reveal your authentic self. Be curious instead of judgey. Stop scolding yourself for your body size or shape and start recognizing that this moment is a gift to share with your partner who is attracted to you, to your body, and to your whole package—fears, humor, intellect, and every other unique and even oddball part of who you are. Embrace each other and delight in discovering the next level of who you and your partner can be together.