Breath and Sexual Mindfulness

When a baby takes his first breath, we call that his birthday. When a person takes her last breath, we mourn her death. But how well do we pay attention to all the breaths in between? If you’re like most of us, probably not very well. However, research has revealed the healing power in breath. It helps us slow down, regulate our emotions, and find peace. It’s also sometimes called mindfulness. The next time you realize that you are caught up in doing, doing, doing, take a moment and reconnect with your body, starting with your breath. Breath, healing, and mindfulness are all intertwined.

Mindfulness is a simple idea. It encourages you to pay attention to how you are feeling in that moment. If you are mindful, you can pay attention to details you usually brush over and don’t even notice. You may notice the cool air as you walk, the many shades of green in the trees, or a twinge of awe as you look at your daughter’s face. In sex you may notice a smell or a touch that is missed when you rush toward orgasm. However, if you slow down and notice the details of arousal your will likely still orgasm, but will give yourself room to notice a host of details.

Mindfulness has so many benefits for us. The biggest impact of mindfulness is a clearer mind and less stress[i]. Lowering stress can make a powerful change in anyone’s life. As Dr. Roy Baumeister, a well-respected social psychologist, commented, “What stress really does, though, is deplete willpower, which diminishes your ability to control ... emotions.” One of the most consistent markers of a happy person is emotion regulation[ii], which is a fancy way of saying that someone is effectively in control of how they respond to the emotions they might feel. They are neither suppressing emotions or are dominated by emotions. They feel the whole range of emotion: joy, sorrow, surprise, love, disappointment, and relief. But as they feel these emotions, they are able to process them and keep a healthy perspective. Amit Ray, an Indian meditation advocate, said: “If you want to conquer the anxiety of life, live in the moment, live in the breath."

Mindfulness is also associated with more creativity[iii], less depression[iv], more connection[v], less distraction[vi], and more overall satisfaction with life![vii] Dr. Jon Kabat-Zinn, who is often credited with introducing the healing power of mindfulness to the Western world, said it best: “Mindfulness is a way of befriending ourselves and our experience."

There is no need to gear up to be mindful. You can start now. Just sit quietly where you presently are. You do not need to seek out a special room with no distractions, just intentionally quiet your mind and connect with the fundamental element that signifies life—your breath. As Sharon Salzberg, mindfulness coach, reminds us, "Mindfulness isn't difficult to do, we just have to remember to do it."

Pay attention to your breath, that marker of life, so that you can enjoy your life to its fullest. During sex, notice how you breathe and how your partner breathes. What does slowing your breath do to your arousal? What does attention to touch feel like? Do you rush through sex to avoid the intimacy of sex? Research shows that individuals who are more disconnected during sex experience lonely, non-pleasurable sex. Slow sex increases intimacy. For some people intimacy is scary, even threatening. Intimacy often requires courage to face your fears of rejection or disapproval. Sexual mindfulness allows us to breathe, slow the pace, reduce anxiety, and deeply connect with our partner.

Your breath is with you from the moment you are born until the moment you die, marking your life in six-second intervals. So, when you want to learn to be more mindful, you can turn to your breath as a type of metronome—a measured rhythm on which to pace your life. Your breath helps your mind relax, gain clarity, release the unnecessary, and increase your capacity for connection.

How can you pay better attention to your breath and reap the rewards of mindfulness? One way is to breathe slowly, and intentionally elongate your in-breath and out-breath. Try this during sex and notice how slowing the pace, may increase the pleasure.

• Begin to pay attention to how the air feels as it is sucked into your nostrils. Is it cool, moist, dry, relaxing, or filling? Does breathing in make a breath noise? Notice how the in-breath expands your lungs, provides nourishment to your body. Is your in-breath gentle, invisible, instinctive, giving? What else might you notice?
• Now turn your attention to your out-breath. Breathe out through your mouth. Does your out-breath make a sound like a sigh? Do your shoulders drop a little as you relax to let go of not only the used breath, but also let go of stress, judgment, or negative emotion?

Practicing this simple awareness of breath is a tool to become more self-aware. Start with breath (always start with breath) and then expand your awareness to other elements of your lives: walking, eating, parenting, interacting with others, or evaluating yourself. As you practice in other areas of your life, your ability to be sexually mindful will also increase.