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Masturbation
The Contradictions of Self-Pleasuring
While most adults masturbate, many people limit their enjoyment of it.
Posted December 20, 2024 Reviewed by Hara Estroff Marano
Key points
- As a therapist, it's sometimes appropriate to ask for lots of detail about a patient's masturbation routine.
- Unfortunately, some people have never masturbated without watching porn--which can distort the experience.
- In many couples, partners silently collude to deny that either masturbates.
In December 1994, President Bill Clinton fired his surgeon general, Dr. Joycelyn Elders, who had suggested that masturbation be part of America’s school sex education curriculum. The first National Masturbation Day was held in her honor, on May 28, 1995. More than half of all adults around the world masturbate, but self-pleasuring is still typically considered something best not discussed.
As a sex therapist, I talk with patients about masturbation a lot. They’re often surprised at the details I ask about: not just how often but for how long, where, and what they actually do. And how they feel before, during, and after. And I ask two questions that no one ever expects: Why do you do it? And do you enjoy it?
People’s answers to these questions are often revealing. What they reveal is that people masturbate for a wide range of reasons; they do a wide range of things; and their feelings about what they do are often complex.
Some people don’t actually enjoy the experience of masturbating very much. They feel guilty about doing it. Or they haven’t learned how to touch themselves in ways that feel good. Or they know how, but they refuse, because they judge their preferences as kinky—or worse.
There is no one way that all men masturbate. A substantial number do it by lying face down and rocking against a pillow, bed, or floor. Clinically, such men tend to be psychologically primitive—they haven’t developed to the point of using their hands to touch themselves directly.
Perhaps you assume that everyone who masturbates enjoys it. Nope. Many women, for example, feel inadequate because they need to use a vibrator to climax. Or they’re ashamed because they fantasize about the “wrong” thing to climax—whether it’s being forced (the single most popular fantasy for women), or being with someone who isn’t their beloved, or, if they’re straight, being with a woman. For these women, climax can be a bittersweet experience.
About Porn
The ubiquity of pornography brings a complication into masturbation for many people. Some people get so fixated on the intense images onscreen that they focus way less on their genitalia. Their eyes are the primary site of stimulation.
There’s nothing terribly wrong with this, but it does explain why some people masturbate almost compulsively: They’re not getting much enjoyment out of the experience, and they’re just in it for the four seconds of orgasm, which isn’t very satisfying.
Masturbating more for the orgasm than for the genital pleasure also explains why some men lose their erection while they masturbate. A penis getting very little attention has very little reason to stay hard. Stroking it while not really feeling the touch is like eating while reading your phone—you’re vaguely aware of how things taste, but since you’re not focused on the experience, you don’t get fully satisfied.
I often ask people about using sex toys. Many women report that they enjoy masturbating with a vibrator but that they or their partner don’t want it to be part of partner sex. I point out that when they use it together it’s their toy, not hers and that it’s for additional pleasure, not to address anyone’s inadequacy. Whether people ask or not, I mention that no, you can’t get “addicted” to your vibrator.
Unfortunately, most couples don’t discuss masturbation with each other. Even worse, they won’t touch themselves while having sex with each other. This limits people’s sexual options and can make even the most enjoyable sex frustrating. Even worse, it can create a sense of inadequacy in one or both partners, and a sense of responsibility—that it’s one person’s job to make sure the other person climaxes.
The pressure to “satisfy” the other person is actually a common source of low desire. The pressure feels so great that, consciously or unconsciously, people just back away from partner sex.
Comfort, Autonomy, and Learning
Masturbation can be a source of pleasure, comfort, autonomy, and self-knowledge. It isn’t just a substitute for sex, and it isn’t just for horny teenagers. It’s a legitimate form of pleasure that people can explore. And it’s a great way to learn more about our bodies sexually when we feel relaxed and don’t have to think about others’ needs.
Unfortunately, many people undermine the possibilities with unnecessary self-consciousness and self-criticism—as if they’re the only ones who masturbate, or as if their preferences reveal some dark truth about them. Life’s complicated enough without such self-inflicted struggles.
And while most couples contain at least one masturbator, and more often two, couples rarely acknowledge this.
What a shame that it’s often considered ugly or harmful or needs to be a secret even among lovers. I tell my religious patients that if God didn’t want us to masturbate, he would have made our arms shorter.
For the holidays, I hope you give yourself the gift of accepting your masturbation—and if you have a mate, theirs, too.
