Verified by 
Key points
- There are many reasons that, on average, women orgasm less than men when they have sex together.
- There are many sexual "gaps" besides orgasm that disadvantage men.
- We should be talking more about sexual enjoyment, sexual self-acceptance, and sexual agency.
- Some sexual difficulties are relationship problems, not sexual ones.
A recent New York Times article reports that when men and women have sex together, the men are more likely to climax than the women.
The Times bemoans this as The Orgasm Gap, as do some of my colleagues. But while many people value orgasms (some of my best friends have them), orgasm is not the most important part of sex.
That’s why orgasm is the wrong metric to measure people’s sexual experience. A better question would be, How much do you enjoy sex?
But many people have sex that they don’t especially want. Or they have sex under sub-optimal conditions. So an even better question would be, How much do you enjoy sex when it’s in a time, place, manner, and with a person you choose?
You might think that’s not realistic, or that’s not most people’s experience. And you’d be right. So why is that?
There are lots of answers, including external pressure and coercion; internal messages and self-consciousness; alcohol; and opportunism (having sex when it’s available, rather than waiting for the right time and situation).
BACK TO THE “GAP”
Getting back to the so-called Orgasm Gap, let’s look at other possible “gaps,” and wonder why they don’t get more attention.
Instead of the Orgasm Gap, how about the Enjoyment Gap? Note that “enjoyment” is NOT the same thing as “pleasure,” which is narrower than “enjoyment” (which could include, for example, the satisfaction of being generous). Or the Closeness-During-Sex Gap? Or Sense-of-Safety Gap? For many women and men, these aspects of sex are actually way more relevant than orgasm. And men don’t outpace women in all of these.
By using orgasm as a measure, one can blame a patriarchal world of selfish men for the unfortunate women who don’t climax. But women of ALL orientations orgasm less frequently than men of ALL orientations.
Indeed, thinking more broadly about sex between the genders makes comparisons of male and female sexual experience look very different. For example:
~ Gap: Multiple orgasm
Depending on the survey, between 15-40% of women experience this. Less than 7% of men do. (7%? I’d say one-tenth of one percent.)
~ Gap: Coming too quickly
Rapid ejaculation is the most common sexual complaint of young men, and still an issue for 25% of men over 35. Women? Has anyone ever complained that their female partner has climaxed too quickly? Has any woman ever complained of this about herself?
~ Gap: The responsibility to initiate sex
Women having sex with men rarely complain that they’d like to initiate sex more. Men, on the other hand, often complain that they’d like to initiate sex less—IF only their female partner would initiate more. And while the media glibly talk about “performance anxiety,” there’s little discussion of how much men resent the responsibility for a couple’s sexual frequency.
~ Gap: Faking orgasm
Yes, a few men fake orgasm: they want to end a given sexual encounter, and their female partner won’t stop until she’s sure she has “done her duty” and “satisfied him.” But the overwhelming majority of faked orgasms—and therefore misled men—are enacted by women.
No one wins in such a situation—there’s no dignity in pretending, she gets no sympathy if she’s sexually frustrated, and he doesn’t learn what’s needed. And once you’ve faked it a half-dozen times, it’s really hard to stop. Not impossible, just hard.
So maybe let’s take a moment and sympathize with men who are so focused on coming that they miss the rest of the good stuff sex offers.
WOMEN OF ALL ORIENTATIONS
In general, the media, blogosphere, activists, and public are too focused on the differences between men and women. But sexually, adult men and women are more similar than different. Both want the same things; both struggle with the same things; and both have sex they don’t enjoy or don’t want.
And by the way, what do women of ALL orientations do to undermine their orgasm?
~ Discomfort with their bodies
~ Lack of knowledge (or rejection of what they know) about their bodies and sex
~ Under-communicating with a partner
~ Settling for sex that isn’t sufficiently focused on their pleasure
~ Attachment to religious ideas that promote guilt, shame, and devalue women’s pleasure.
Unreliable orgasm is NOT the biggest sexual problem most women (or men) face. But almost any woman can change that if she wants to. And if she has a partner who says “You’re the one with the problem, leave me out of the project to fix it,” that shouldn’t be treated as a sexual problem—it’s a relationship problem. More orgasms won’t fix that.
