How Moms Can Guide Their Sons Away from the Manosphere

One mother whom I recently spoke with told me her 9-year-old son was already familiar with the manosphere. She, like many parents, had watched Louis Theroux: Inside the Manosphere on Netflix and was mortified. This wonderful mother was understandably alarmed and wanted to know exactly what she should be doing to guide her son. Here's what I told her:

Source: Vitaly Gariev / Unsplash

1. Active Listening

Engage in conversation with your son and practice active listening. When we are afraid, it's easy to slip into lecturing and scolding. This is understandable — we fear bad outcomes for our sons. But these boys do not benefit from mockery or criticism, and shaming them is unhelpful. What does help is an attitude of genuine care. When you can, engage in these ways:

• To learn more, we can say, "Oh, tell me more about that."
• To clarify what your son is saying, say, "If I understand you, you're saying that__."
• Sometimes it's best to just listen, nodding to show you're following along.

All of this is about letting your son know you're listening. He'll see that you're taking time, taking him seriously, and truly caring about him.

2. Bring in the Troops

Frankly, good parenting alone is rarely enough. Assembling a roster of good men for your son is mission-critical. Dads, step-dads, grandpas, uncles, teachers, coaches, neighbors, and peers at school or work can all play a positive role — however small — in helping boys emerge from isolation and grow into fine young men. Moms: You are not, nor should you be, in this alone.

3. Give Respectful Feedback

Saving a young man from the manosphere is not an event — it's a campaign. It's not one perfectly executed conversation where the kid says, "Gee, Mom, thanks! Now I understand completely. What was I thinking?" We need to keep the conversations going and offer respectful feedback. It's a long game in which moms slowly make the case that men and women are in this together. We must make the case that a feminine worldview, combined with his masculine worldview, is a win for everyone. Moms are women, too. Breaking the ice on this big concept starts with a willingness to calmly — not scolding — and authentically express skepticism about these toxic influencers' ideas, especially those that promote the hatred of women. Feedback includes:

• "I'm thinking that wouldn't work for me."
• "I'm pretty sure most women wouldn't buy into that kind of relationship."
• "What if your sister's boyfriend behaved that way and said those things?"

Helping Our Boys Become Good Men

Our boys benefit when they are pulled out of the closed feedback loop of isolation and the manosphere's messaging. When they see that we see them, that we are listening, and that we care, we have a chance to offer them another option: one that improves their odds of future happiness and relationship success, rather than a life of loneliness, anger, and disappointment.

Embark on this campaign with patience and keep your eye on the long game. In doing so, your sons will have a chance to think critically about the manosphere's ideas, and their confidence and self-esteem will grow as they feel increasingly sure of their place in the world among good men.