Our Lonely Boys: Understanding and Preventing Incel Culture

In the song, "Eleanor Rigby," The Beatles sing, "All the lonely people / Where do they all come from?" which is a key question when talking about incels, i.e., the involuntarily celibate.

The Creation of an Incel

Here’s a typical example of an incel’s creation:

A boy is born into a family where one or both parents regularly demean him and put him down. He’s the kid in elementary school who has a hard time keeping eye contact, staring at the ground almost immediately. He also has no one on his side when bullies, with their uncanny predatory instinct, come around.

The collective abuse at home and at school causes our incel to retreat more and more into himself. Girls around him might have liked him, but they face their own obstacles in facing the harsh teasing of their schoolmates for hanging out with the "weird kid."

Source: nuzree / pixabay

Where Do These Lonely People Come From?

They come from what we do to them and what we fail to do for them. We abuse them at home and at school, and we fail to provide a safe, supportive, and inclusive environment, most times acting like they don't even exist.

As an Incel Ages

Years go by and no one, even if they notice, does anything truly helpful for him. No one checks in, asks questions, or puts in much effort to help the incel. One can easily understand how even kind children at school might not know what to do, but what about school teachers, counselors, and administrators?

We routinely give out grades for compliant behavior. But how about implementing a system where teachers (without any need for additional training) notice a boy who’s typically all by himself and then, at report card time, checks a box marked “Might need friends.” A school counselor could also follow-up with an early intervention.

This isn't rocket science.

How to Help

For many incels, by the time help arrives, it's too late.

Once an incel becomes an adult, it's harder to get them to change. Some suggest adult incels would benefit from dating coaches and speed dating services, but I disagree. My own experience is that therapy seems to help, but only for those who wish to get help and want to change.

Many incels find their online community of fellow incels to be so comforting they would never dream of leaving. And why would they want to leave a community where they, finally after a lifetime of neglect and abuse, feel safe and comfortable?

Example

Consider the unemployed 20-something who lives in his grandparents’ basement and spends all day playing video games, smoking pot, and masturbating to porn. These individuals actually exist. We’re making incels faster than all the therapists in the world can fix them.

The Focus Must Be on Prevention

Benjamin Franklin, America’s most beloved scientist, famously said, “An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.”

Preventing a boy from becoming a full-blown incel is much easier than helping a man we’ve ignored for decades. Not that we should ignore adult incels. They, too, need help and should receive it should they want it. But, if we want to lower the number of incels in the future, it's best to focus on prevention.

The Benefits of Real Friendship

Real friendships are the foundation of all healthy adult relationships and invaluable for incels. Sure, they may have gaming buddies or they may have a woman-hating online community that reinforces their misogynistic views, but none of those are actual friends.

Without educating our boys in friendship and how to obtain real friends, that lonely boy from elementary school will continue in his hatred, fear, and isolated misery. It's time we help our young boys, who are in need of our help, learn how to connect with others so they can grow up to live happy and fulfilling lives.