Relationships
Why Romance Isn't the Same as Intimacy
Romance, as a behavior, has nothing to do with loving someone for who they are.
Posted January 2, 2025 Reviewed by Michelle Quirk
Key points
- Romance alone is not enough to make a relationship work.
- Intimacy is the ability to safely share one’s life with another person.
- Most people want to be known and loved for who they truly are.
For most of us, the word “romance” conjures up images of candlelit dinners, thoughtful gifts, and heartfelt sentiments of romantic love. Others, like one of my clients, go much, much farther with romance by engaging in all of the above plus the add-ons of exotic and expensive trips and even serenading. (This client is an accomplished musician and singer.)
Romance Does Not Equal Relationship Success
One may think, with all this romance (and talent), that my client is successful in love, but he’s been married, and divorced, five times. This is common. I have had many clients, both men and women, who have similar histories with even larger numbers of marriages and divorces.
What’s Going On?
What’s going on here is that these individuals have belief systems telling them that candles, gifts, and sweet nothings spoken in the ear of the beloved are exactly what is meant by the word “intimacy.”
But romance isn't intimacy.
Intimacy Defined
Intimacy, as defined by Dennis Bagarozzi, is the ability to safely share one’s life with another person—the key word being "safely." It is essential to enduring and meaningful relationships and does not refer to romantic gestures or sexual intercourse, as many people think. Intimacy also has various dimensions:
- Emotional intimacy is the ability to safely share one’s feelings.
- Intellectual intimacy refers to safely sharing one’s ideas.
- Historic intimacy refers to safely sharing our pasts.
- Spiritual intimacy refers to safely sharing our spiritual beliefs.
And so on, including recreational intimacy, social intimacy, and every other possible dimension.
Sexual Intimacy Does Not Equal Sex
With regard to sexual intimacy, it’s not just about having sex. No one would argue that a criminal who forced a victim into an alley to have sex with him was sharing intimacy. Sexual intimacy refers to safely sharing one’s sexuality, which could include disclosing one’s private behaviors, thoughts, or past experiences—and, yes, sex.
Intimate Relationships Aren’t Always Romantic
There can be intimate relationships without sex and without any romantic love at all. Intimate friends, close academic relationships, and beloved family members may enjoy emotional intimacy, intellectual intimacy, and so on.
Beyond Romance
But what of lovers? Isn't it all about romance? My romantic clients often believe this to be true. But when confronted with that great line, “So, how’s that working for you?” they begin to see that something is not quite right. The reason is that romance, as a behavior, has nothing to do with actually loving someone for who they are.
Narcissistic Love
Men may fantasize about women who like fishing, hunting, and watching sports. Women may dream there’s a man who loves going to craft fairs, always wants to travel, never forgets her birthday or their anniversary, and is always ready with an unsolicited romantic gesture. None of that is real love; it's simply our wanting to be with someone who is just like us. The term for this is narcissistic love.
Real Love
Real love comes when we move beyond our narcissistic love, embrace the differences in others, and understand what is really meant by the word "intimacy" (i.e., the ability to safely share one’s life with another person). This means we are free to be our authentic selves in our relationships. You get to be you and the other gets to be who they are. There is no acting, no pretending, and no pressure to be a certain way other than yourself.
What Are You Building?
If you are a romantic at heart, you can continue to be romantic, but also understand that there’s more to building a love that lasts than candlelit dinners, thoughtful gifts, and heartfelt sentiments. Most times, what we truly desire is to be truly known, understood, and accepted by the other. So, there’s romance, and there’s intimacy, which can include romance (and sex) but takes the relationship to a different and arguably better, more satisfying level. Which are you trying to build?
Facebook image: La Famiglia/Shutterstock
