Finding New Love After a Breakup

During the postmortem on romances gone bad, smart people often find themselves ruefully noting they have far more hindsight than foresight. Like pathologists conducting an autopsy, we find ourselves picking through the cold corpse of a dead love affair or marriage looking for the actual cause of love's death. (And yes, there are some delicate souls who are far too squeamish to perform the grisly task of looking at those deal-breaking facts that, at the time we fell in love, we either minimized or flat-out ignored.)

Source: Tumisu / Pixabay

A Helpful Metaphor

Please consider a more upbeat and encouraging metaphor—a legal one. Even if your ex was an attorney, you'll learn to prefer this guide to success in romance and sex. For one thing, this metaphor is about foresight rather than hindsight, acting rather than reacting, and how to avoid the stench wafting from love's morgue.

Most of us have watched enough legal dramas on TV to know the term "discovery." Discovery is that process where lawyers disclose just what kind of a case they have for or against the cause at hand. When you look back at your own process of mate selection, ask yourself if you were truly diligent about the task of discovery when you apparently leaped before you really looked.

How to Discover Successfully

We, ourselves, are the biggest obstacles to successful discovery. We project upon others what is particularly true about ourselves. In romance, this means we see in others those qualities, dreams, and values that make up who we are.

On a practical level, rather than my seeing her for the distinctly unique individual she is, I, instead, see a projection of myself. I love sports, and what do you know, she does, too! I like me, and (surprise!) so does she. What we're talking about here is not so much compatibility as it is narcissism, and this affection is called "narcissistic love." After the blush of narcissistic love wears off, I can begin to see her for who she is, rather than a mere projection of myself.

Words of Wisdom

Mullah Nasrudin, a Sufi wise man from the 13th century, said, "Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment." So our most dismal romantic or sexual failures are actually the best teachers of good judgment moving forward.

What we learn about ourselves in romantic failure has something to do with what we personally need in order to feel comfortable. You probably won’t pay attention to the fact that you’re a neat freak until you marry someone who can’t see the mess they left on the counter. If you don’t care for public displays of affection, it’s likely you figured this out when you dated someone who couldn’t wait to wrap their arms, lips, and whatever around you. You likely never treasured your quiet, bookish nature until you dated a loud party animal.

Be Careful Out There

We all have the ability to fall in love with people we can’t live with, so we have to be careful. If our goal is a great sex life within the context of a blissfully happy relationship, we have to understand that sex, love, and commitment are three very separate concepts and equally separate areas of decision-making.

The point is to learn all you can from your failed relationships so you can use that knowledge to discover new and improved love. Ask questions. Listen. Act. We must be proactive about learning the preferences of ourselves and our partners if we wish to build a healthy, comfortable, and romantic relationship.