Verified by 
Let's say that we agree with the rather unpretentious conclusion that sex offenders' crimes flow out of a spectacular failure to manage their sexuality intelligently. If this is true, then how are we to account for their disastrous lapses in judgment? In the lingo of forensic professionals, "What are the criminogenic variables that would explain the origins of sexual criminality?" Surprisingly, most of the answers don't include anything directly related to sex or intercourse.
It is in discussions of this sort that, when in court, a judge will sometimes lean toward the expert witness who is trying to explain the defendant's thought process and say, "But... isn't it true that there are many people born into such families, many who were victims of the same kind of trauma, many who had exactly the same background you're talking about—who didn't grow up to commit sex crimes?"
And the judge is precisely correct but has failed to understand the most important variable of all—that we are all different. Some are stronger than others, some smarter, some more resilient, and some, in the course of their growing up, meet that essential mentor who makes all the difference.
But this is not to say that there is no making sense of criminogenic antecedents to criminal choices. Just as there are sheep born with three legs and some born with five, parents around the world still teach their children that sheep have four legs. In the same manner, no parent, given a choice, would intentionally place a child in a foster situation with caregivers who have drinking problems or have a terrifying reliance on corporal punishment. This is to say that we have an intuitive sense that, all things being equal, it would be better for any child to grow up without these horrors.
So, if we could learn to help prevent sexually criminal recidivism, we could probably prevent the first crime as well. If this way of looking at human behavior works, then we could probably prevent a lot of noncriminal sexual acting out, too. By helping others, we learn to ultimately help ourselves.
The first thing I've noticed in the last 30 years of my practice has been that those who have committed sex crimes have a 100 percent participation in three epic failures in their personal lives. The universal need for these three was pointed out about 100 years ago by Alfred Adler, a contemporary of Freud, who observed that all men, in order to be happy, must be successful in career, friendship, and love. Most of those who go on to commit sex crimes fail in all three.
One of my clients made a serious claim of denial that any of these failures applied to him. He confidently boasted that he had all three goals nailed in a very successful manner, and so I was obviously wrong. He explained that he made a great living, had a great many friends, and always had one or more girlfriends.
Following a short discussion, his face dropped to the floor as he realized his "career" was selling drugs on the street. His so-called "friends" had all deserted him when the drugs dried up. His girlfriend (and all of his self-proclaimed success in love) was undone by the admission that she was the one who'd made the complaint resulting in his criminal prosecution for sexual assault. Still looking at the floor, his tone became forlorn, "I guess I didn't have any of 'em."
But it's definitely not just drug dealers. Numerous professional men who've been accused and convicted of sex crimes have a similar sense of incredulity about the outcome of their lives. They were making well into six figures, had wives and children, and the esteem and recognition of the community.
But it was all smoke and mirrors. The work that gave them so much financial success? Not what they wanted to do with their lives at all. The long-term marriage? Characterized by a profound sense of disconnect and superficial going through the motions. All those friends? Not one of them really knew him or what he was going through.
So how and why are so many American men experiencing such aching disappointment, loneliness, and failure? The explanation for this situation is simple, but that doesn't mean the remedy is easy.
First of all, many of America's boys simply never learned how to be a friend or to have a friend. Most of the men who come into my office with these social skill deficits don't even comprehend what the notion of friendship is all about. That it's about a platonic affection, free of the so-called animal passions, and that it's a deep bond, like that between close brothers. This understanding leaves out all the hot women he's "friends" with, and it also leaves out the men who really are little more than acquaintances or drinking buddies.
If a man has never had the benefit of highly functional friendships in his life, it can come as no surprise that he'll struggle with finding sustainable romantic and sexual love. This is because real love requires all, and I do mean all, of the social skills that contribute to enduring friendships, along with another skill set—intimacy skills. I've met so many convicted of sex crimes who have not only never been on a date with a woman; they've never even asked a woman out. My gay clients have their own version of this, where every date is a hook-up (for sex) but never an opportunity for developing a way of safely sharing lives together.
Career? For many, this is synonymous with "having a job." But really, career is the answer to the question posed so well by Mark Twain when he said that the two most important days in a man's life are the day he's born and the day he figures out why.
Career is a large part of the answer to this question. Most men who are miserable and, in their doomed attempts to address that misery, commit a sex crime, haven't figured out why they are here. They have never experienced a deep and enduring passion for their life's work.
So many lost and lonely little boys grow up to become lost and lonely men. It’s because of this that I created a true-crime podcast called Sex Crime Central to help us understand how sex crimes happen and how they can be prevented. We can protect our children. Let's do it.
