When Hot Sex Cools Down

Cooling passion may be disappointing but is perfectly natural.

Posted Apr 16, 2018

Most people in couples remember how sex was initially—both eager to explore one another as often as possible—and then that heat eventually cools down. Many to whom that happens are disappointed, often blaming the other for being misleading about his/her libido, or not trying hard enough, or letting work get in the way.  In other words, it isn’t hot anymore because it’s “your” fault. 

There are circumstances that allow for hot sex much longer than the initial honeymoon phase.  That might be periods of separation (one travels for work or is deployed in the service) followed by passionate reunions, or both have very high libidos. However, it is the natural order of things that the initial hot sexual desire for the other will cool down in a matter of weeks or months. It’s why the initial time is called the honeymoon phase, the period before real life sets in.

There are those who flit from lover to lover because the initial hot sex is the best part for them.  Some even go from marriage to marriage seeking that longed-for state of passion that will remain.  It doesn’t and it won’t except in those rare circumstances of frequent separations and passionate reunions or mutual high libidos I wrote about above.

When one has unrealistic expectations in a relationship, as so many do, the cooling down of that initial heat will be disappointing and the work necessary to experience it occasionally disappointing as well. Others really enjoy that sense of familiarity that eventually comes with being together for a while and will relax into it with delight. That doesn’t mean that passion needs to be a thing of the past, it’s just not to be expected with every coupling nor to be its motivating factor.

Much to the disappointment of romantics, it does take work to promote passion in relationships of any length. Passion requires the elements of newness and surprise which will be missing as the partners get to know one another and the other’s body and sexual style. The nice part of that familiarity is the sense of comfort that familiarity brings, but that is usually the antithesis of passion.

So what to do when the initial passion poops out? One can make some effort making an occasional sexual event new and/or surprising, necessary aspects of passion. One partner, or the couple together, can add an element of surprise by changing what they usually do, where they usually do it when they usually do it and how. That’s not terribly hard work, is it?  It might be if only one in the couple takes the full responsibility for being the one who plans the surprising element while the other waits to be passively entertained. Ideally, the responsibility to bring passion back into the couple will be a shared one.

The are many books available on how to keep sex fresh after many years together. Every one of them will emphasize introducing some aspect of newness on occasion. Read some of them or get creative on your own. Even better, confer with your partner and come up with some ideas together, write them down and put them in a bowl. Every so often pull one out and see what can be arranged. 

The lack of initial passion between you need not be something you rue any more than the body you had at 18. That passion can be recaptured on occasion. Your youthful body rarely so. Enjoy what is possible, always a good rule by which to live.