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Dr. Ted Zeff has researched highly sensitive boys and men in five countries, and notes there are some distinct cultural differences. For example, North American (U.S. and Canada) HSMs (highly sensitive males) who reported that they had supportive parents as boys and who played group sports as a boy were “never” or “rarely” teased for being sensitive., and most sensitive boys in all countries indicated they “usually” or “always” thought there was something wrong with them during their childhood, and didn’t fit in with other boys. - From my post: Ted Zeff on highly sensitive boys and men
http://highlysensitive.org/371/
Deborah Ward
Being a sensitive man can present unique challenges, as men are still held to a standard of masculinity that does not often include showing their feelings. Being a highly sensitive person involves struggling to cope with feeling overwhelmed by sensory and emotional information and the stress of modern life, and finding opportunities to express those feelings can be difficult. But with an understanding of themselves and an appreciation of their traits, highly sensitive men can find that their sensitivity is both a gift and a strength.
Since high sensitivity means that we are absorbing large amounts of information from our environment on a daily basis, one of the most challenging aspects of this condition is coping with the feeling of being overwhelmed. Sometimes we’re aware of it, like when we walk into a room, and the music is so loud it hurts. Some of the information we absorb, we do so unconsciously. We’re not always aware of the effect that the boss’s bad mood is having on us, for example, or the stress generated by a busy schedule. But whether we’re aware of these stressors or not, they all take a toll on us. It’s the way we deal with them that makes the difference between health and sickness, happiness and despair.
While many people do not understand the reasons for a highly sensitive woman becoming upset over the sound of a screaming baby or overwhelmed by the crowds at a fair, they will still usually accept her reaction. Highly sensitive men are not often accepted in the same way. Men are expected to hide their feelings, suck it up, and soldier on.
The result is that men often bury their feelings in an attempt to conform to social pressure and as a way of dealing with the feelings they themselves struggle to understand. This kind of compartmentalizing of emotions — that is, separating your feelings from your thoughts and actions — is often an unconscious coping tactic. By stuffing unpleasant feelings such as anger, fear, anxiety, worry, and hurt into an imaginary box, a man can find it easier to move on. Unfortunately, you can’t pick and choose which feelings go into the box. If one goes, they all go, including the positive ones, like happiness, enthusiasm, and love. This strategy may make life easier for the highly sensitive man, but it also makes his life flat, cold, and ultimately lonely.
Without practice showing their feelings, it can be difficult for men to even know how to begin. What’s more, it becomes increasingly difficult for them to even be aware of what they’re feeling. Consequently, when someone does ask how he is feeling, he responds that he is fine, that there’s nothing wrong. The problem, however, is that he becomes emotionally distant from those people he cares about and who care about him, making it nearly impossible for him to receive the love and support he needs.
Compartmentalizing your feelings can be a useful and often essential technique for coping with overwhelming feelings when you are in a situation that prevents emotional expression. For the highly sensitive man, however, becoming aware of and expressing those feelings on a regular basis is crucial for maintaining a positive sense of self, as well as being a powerful tool for lowering stress levels. Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs) experience so much stress, thanks to environmental overload, that facing their feelings is fundamental to their health. Pushing feelings away does not make them disappear. In fact, feelings tend to grow the longer you avoid them. This might explain why some men appear to be calm and coping well until they suddenly explode with anger. It just all becomes too much.
Recognizing and accepting yourself as a man who is highly sensitive is the first step. Sensitivity is a gift, not a weakness, and it means that you are creative, empathetic, and able to appreciate wonderful sensory elements in life, like music, art, fragrances, and colors, which other people often miss. Being highly sensitive also means that you have the ability to help others. Burying your feelings is easier, but talking about your feelings takes courage. By becoming aware of your feelings and learning to express them, you not only draw loving people towards you, you can also teach others how to cope, simply by being an example of that magical combination of sensitivity and strength.
Cultural influences on sensitive men
Submitted by Douglas Eby on October 22, 2012 - 7:08pm
Details about Cultural Sensitivities
Submitted by Eduardo Pinto on November 13, 2016 - 10:18am
I can agree and relate to what you just said. I see this is correct, at least for the Latin American Countries in which I live in one. Here it is seen as a social norm that men can barely be seen even crying or seen sensitive.
This is due to the status quo of the idealistically image (Stereotype) of most people have of masculinity which is an old stereotype of the man in the past, seen as not drawn into emotions, who shallow all that in a pill suck it up, and keep going.
Maybe, in other countries where the influence of religion and social norms are strong, this might hold true, probably in the middle east, as of today there is still man and woman inequality.
Any information on this point or errors I made, let me know. Thanks for sharing Doug.
What if your loved one turns your feelings into an attack?
Submitted by Anonymous on February 3, 2013 - 10:08pm
Anonymous above - he is lucky that you let him show his feelings. I am in a relationship where I am left with mixed messages, confusion, white lies and when I question her behaviour or just ask to be kept in the loop she screams at me. I began to feel worthless, sad, cold, tell everyone I am fine, lost my passion, my focus, my positivity, and ironically the more I seem broken the less attracted she is to me for not soldiering on and absorbing her abuse the way her Dad takes her mum's harshness. I am learning about Narcissistic Personality Disorder, about walking on their eggshells. How can I break the pattern and communicate in a way she doesn't take as an attack? Can't cope. Thanks
My experience is that women
Submitted by Anonymous on May 2, 2013 - 5:23pm
My experience is that women in general test men for emotional strength, and any form of weakness is despicable in their eyes. I suggest you learn to not care a less. Go to the football or do whatever you want to do without her approval. She will find it attractive. Push her out of bed once in a while and learn to say no to her, just because you feel like it. It is surprising how quickly she will become attracted to you after she has had a full-blown tantrum.
it actually worked...
Submitted by Anonymous on October 31, 2014 - 7:43pm
Doing something without her approval actually worked for me at onevtime. To some this might seem cruel but it's not. Case in point:
I was seeing someone at the time and we had a falling out. I was crying, yelling, moaning...all the works of a spoiled brat. He tried his best to comfort me, but what I really wanted I wasn't getting. We were on his sofa, sitting close with arms and legs entertwined. Finally, I guess he had enough, so what did he do? First, he loosened our arms and legs. Then he got up and began walking away. Oh my goodness! "Oh no he's not!" I said to myself. So I yelled "where are you going!!" And very quietly he said "to my room, you know where it's at" and walked off. Well! I said to myself, now I have no audience. So I got up, went to his room, and there he was, laying in his bed watching television. But it wasn't what I wanted to watch. Now normally if he's watching something that I don't want to watch, he quickly changes the channel. This time, however, when I told him to change it, what did he do? He turned up the volume! I'm completely undone! So I climb into bed next to him and tried to get me some loving. Ha! He turned his back! Fine! The next morning guess what? He wakes me up with a breakfast tray! I loved him!! Absolutely! !
So not giving in does work!
What if your loved one turns your feelings into an attack?
Submitted by Anonymous on February 3, 2013 - 10:08pm
Anonymous above - he is lucky that you let him show his feelings. I am in a relationship where I am left with mixed messages, confusion, white lies and when I question her behaviour or just ask to be kept in the loop she screams at me. I began to feel worthless, sad, cold, tell everyone I am fine, lost my passion, my focus, my positivity, and ironically the more I seem broken the less attracted she is to me for not soldiering on and absorbing her abuse the way her Dad takes her mum's harshness. I am learning about Narcissistic Personality Disorder, about walking on their eggshells. How can I break the pattern and communicate in a way she doesn't take as an attack? Can't cope. Thanks
Most sensitive men are born
Submitted by Anonymous on March 17, 2013 - 7:15pm
Most sensitive men are born with heightened awareness to not only there own feelings, but to the feelings of others. How can the "average" man learn to become sensitive? Check out the link that follows: http://www.sensitizeme.com
sensitive men
Submitted by Anonymous on May 2, 2013 - 5:11pm
I bottle up my feelings because I believe that very few women find a sensitive man sexually attractive. I think few women would be able to feel protected by a man who will burst into tears quicker than they do!
There is a woman in work who was clearly attracted to me, she would make suggestive comments and want me to hug her. Then I got upset about something and my eyes welled up with tears. She has shown no interest since that day.
The hell with them. They
Submitted by Anonymous on May 17, 2013 - 2:38am
The hell with them. They can have their macho bad boys and then piss and moan when they can't make an emotional connection with them, and then try to change them into someone sensitive. Lol
From a Woman
Submitted by shalom on March 8, 2015 - 5:20am
Most people are sensitive. We all handle sensitivity differently. I've dealt with a myriad of men who think I don't know how sensitive they really are. The reality is that some people DEAL with their sensitivity differently. I've met guys who respond to hurt feelings by lashing out (playing tough/ thick skinned) and making it seem like it's all in good fun or they are unbothered by being offended. Women don't mind sensitivity, but we do value strength. Sharing your feelings (as a man) shouldn't be frowned upon or taken for granted. Give it to us straight, without being a jerk. Be direct. Give us an honest answer, not the ones you think we want to hear.
Bend don't break. Some women may be crazy and play games, but you should never have to walk on egg shells in any relationship, because it is simply not conducive.
Ultimately, people want what they want in any relationship, but if you give her you without the filter or worrying whether she'll accept at least you've done all you can. From there if she doesn't like it, you can move on, or she can figure out what she needs to do to become better.
Women despise sensitivity in
Submitted by Anonymous on June 4, 2013 - 3:25pm
Women despise sensitivity in men, no matter what they say.
Anytime I allowed myself to express emotions, I ended up embarrassed.
If you want a woman to hate you, cry in front of her.
And when she has the nerve to ask you to show your "sensitive side", just laugh and and say, "Ain't gonna happen".
From a woman
Submitted by Anonymous on December 17, 2015 - 12:24pm
I agree that some women despise sensitivity. But what I despise, personally, are people who try to make themselves out to be something else than what they really are, whether they are guys or girls.
If women are allowed to cry, why wouldn't men be allowed to cry, too? I mean, come on! You are humans, too, and you have feelings! I, personally, see a guy that cries and have the same reaction than if it was a girl: What is the problem? Do you want to talk about it? Is there anything I can help you with.
I think it's normal for men to cry, but that the social double-standard stigmatizes it in a way that is disadvantageous to men, who are taught to "toughen up" and to take it out in anger. And for me, it's the anger that's a turn-off.
To illustrate that you are wrong in the sense that ALL women will be turned off by sensitivity (that affirmation is, by the way, a hasty generalization fallacy), let me propose this example to you:
My father is a highly sensitive man whose negative emotions tend to express themselves in anger. However, when he acts angry, he becomes downright repulsive to both my mother, my sister and I, because he acts like a child throwing a tantrum, which makes me lose respect for him.
Then, after a bad day, instead of my dad being angry I saw him cry for the first time I could remember. And I can tell you that my respect for him grew because he dared to show himself vulnerable, and that in his vulnerability I was able to better relate to him.
So there, you have it, a case where sensitivity works in the man's favor. I think that whether it does or not depends on the woman: I, for one, am the "highly sensitive type". But I can see how certain women, notably of the narcissistic "If-you-got-insulted-by-me-it's-your-fault" type, would less appreciate the sensitive personalities.
Basically, if you show yourself as vulnerable to a woman and she is disgusted, she's not the right one for you, because she doesn't respect you enough to accept all of you.
hmmm
Submitted by wat on July 5, 2018 - 4:34pm
The initial comment was about romantic relationships and you give him the example of your dad? Would you react the same if it was your boyfriend? We both know that's not the same kind of love.
To add to your words.....
Submitted by Jack Russell on October 23, 2016 - 1:50pm
Yes, women today ARE conditioned (by one another) to despise a man who shows sensitivity or weakness. It's symptomatic of a larger problem in our society today. But , if it were to happen under appropriate circumstances, and IF she ridiculed you for showing a genuine human emotion..... then dump her ass right then and there.
Sometimes it is too much
Submitted by Marie on January 2, 2016 - 2:56pm
Just how men complain about women 'nagging at them' we are not particularly keen on men crying on us. Guess she may have had a bad experience already and she preferred to avoid someone as sensitive. I had a bf who cried over everything, even when it was something he had done; I coped with it for 4 years until I had enough. I like being 'the tough one' sometimes but dont need to be all the time and wished he could toughen up and take responsibility. Its tricky I guess.
women worth my time would appreciate sensitivity
Submitted by Peter Hull on February 19, 2017 - 10:39pm
Honestly Marie ive had plenty of women that liked it when i cried on them or let them cuddle me. This is very close-minded in 2017 to say that women want a man to be tough all the time.
It's not a good idea to base
Submitted by Rex on February 8, 2016 - 7:58am
It's not a good idea to base your thoughts and opinions on one experience. It's certainly a bad idea to voice it on the internet where a lot of people are impressionable and you're just reinforcing the bullsh!t.
That "thing" you talk about failed, because you didn't do anything about it. Or maybe you're just a total wreck and she saw that. Whatever the reason, that interaction failed because you were a passive party. It was totally savable. (and without lies!)
I could list opposite stories of what you just shared, but i'm not going to, because filling everyones heads with a story, they'll anticipate it SHOULD go like that then and aim for that. No! Just know, any one who reads this, that what anon is saying is bullsh!t.
Some women prefer stoic
Submitted by Ellie on July 27, 2016 - 4:27pm
Some women prefer stoic unemotional men, other women prefer emotional, sensitive men that they can connect to. It depends on the individual. I personally prefer the latter type, my sister prefers the former. She is an emotional person herself and needs a partner who is stronger than her to keep her grounded. I tend to be the strong, overly logical one and I therefore prefer to date men who are more emotional as I find it brings out my caring side. Us women are all different. You just need to find one who has traits that are more suited to your own.
I love sensitive men
Submitted by Anonymous on February 6, 2014 - 6:02pm
I am not one of those women who find sensitive men unattractive, quite the opposite. But I will say that dealing with a HSM can make a relationship very hurtful. I just started dating a man who admitted to me, rather early on, that he was "highly sensitive." Only a month into seeing him and we've already had two arguments which I felt were blown way out of proportion by a VERY sensitive reaction on his part. One of these escalated into a quite a severe argument with insults and everything, not good. I really like this guy, I can certainly see all the other traits that go along with a sensitive personality. He is very creative and appreciates artistic things and has empathy for others as the article mentioned. But I am proceeding with caution with this guy. I have already seen him shut down and turn cold on me when something (that has nothing to do with me) upsets him. When people shut you out like that it is hurtful. If a guy needs his space I have no problem with that whatsoever as I am a very independent woman. It's when they become cold and somewhat hostile toward you for seemingly no reason, that is unfair.
We'll see, I'm taking this one day at a time but if it gets to be too much it probably won't work. This article was helpful.
You obviously are one of
Submitted by Anonymous on June 12, 2014 - 10:49am
You obviously are one of those women that find sensitive men unattractive.
It was nice that you gave this guy a chance, but let's face it, you're turned off and are considering leaving.
The fact is that men have no choice but to suck it up, hide emotions and give women a cool shoulder most of the time or you will never get laid.
Period.
I think it's important to
Submitted by Deborah Ward on June 15, 2014 - 3:22am
I think it's important to distinguish between sensitivity and low self-esteem. Sensitivity does not mean that you overreact to things. It means that you are more aware of things. If someone is reacting instead of acting, that's not sensitivity. Similarly, hiding your feelings and acting tough isn't a sign of strength either but a response to fear. I don't think it's toughness that women really want, but authenticity.
HSM
Submitted by DJ on September 20, 2014 - 6:38pm
Deborah Ward wrote:I think it's important to distinguish between sensitivity and low self-esteem. Sensitivity does not mean that you overreact to things. It means that you are more aware of things. If someone is reacting instead of acting, that's not sensitivity. Similarly, hiding your feelings and acting tough isn't a sign of strength either but a response to fear. I don't think it's toughness that women really want, but authenticity.
I relate to this but culturally it's an expectation. I would consider myself fairly sensitive and the first time i really expressed some negative feelings about my work capabilities to my then girlfriend it essentially killed off the interest she had in me.
I have no interest in women
Submitted by Peter on April 7, 2018 - 1:44pm
I have no interest in women who expect me to be tough, im a snensitive guy i have feminine qualities if you dont like it dont go out with me. Women and men who dont accept sensitive people who they are are assholes.
i agree
Submitted by Anonymous on July 13, 2018 - 7:23am
this is very true. you can be strong and sensitive at the same time. and on a humanistic level, if somebody likes another person , he/she will accept all she/he is, and by acceptance i mean not getting frustrated inside. you never should tolerate any basic property in your partner, tolerating is fine and sometimes necessary for some behavior your partner once would have, but if one can't accept and at least be ok with a basic and core thing in her/his partner why she/ he could even like him/her? it's like your face, if you someone doesn't like it you never should be with them by making a perfect mask and putting it on your face
Authenticity
Submitted by PJ on April 15, 2016 - 7:20am
Relationships change people. The most caring, considerate, authentic person can change into a reactive, judgemental, and angry soul....if they're the victim of daily emotional abuse. You become what you learn and experience...so find someone you can talk to without judging and who you feel you can share anything with. We are all sinners and never have and never will be perfect. Put away the pride, take on humility, and live the first 2 commandments daily.
But people with low self
Submitted by Raymond Jiang on September 29, 2016 - 12:24am
But people with low self-esteem often are often also highly sensitive. It's kind of the reason why they have low self-esteem, because they react more strongly to other people and the environment around them, and compare it to themselves. I'm a highly sensitive male myself, and while I certainly do get more stressed out about some things than I should, that doesn't mean I lack sensitivity and awareness.
But people with low self
Submitted by Raymond Jiang on September 29, 2016 - 12:28am
But people with low self-esteem often are often also highly sensitive. It's kind of the reason why they have low self-esteem, because they react more strongly to other people and the environment around them, and compare it to themselves. I'm a highly sensitive male myself, and while I certainly am not as confident as others, and get more stressed out about some things than I should, that doesn't mean I lack sensitivity and awareness.
I think it's important to
Submitted by Raymond Jiang on September 29, 2016 - 12:33am
Deborah Ward wrote:I think it's important to distinguish between sensitivity and low self-esteem. Sensitivity does not mean that you overreact to things. It means that you are more aware of things. If someone is reacting instead of acting, that's not sensitivity. Similarly, hiding your feelings and acting tough isn't a sign of strength either but a response to fear. I don't think it's toughness that women really want, but authenticity.
But people with low self-esteem often are often also highly sensitive. It's kind of the reason why they have low self-esteem, because they react more strongly to other people and the environment around them, and compare it to themselves. I'm a highly sensitive male myself, and while I certainly am not as confident as others, and get more stressed out about some things than I should, that doesn't mean I lack sensitivity and awareness. Also, it would be much easier for highly sensitive, low self-esteem people to be more authentic with others if they felt that their true self would still be accepted by most people. Sometimes we still try to act more well than we really are, because we want others to accept us, not because we want to deliberately fool or deceive them.
A thought
Submitted by Anonymous on April 7, 2018 - 11:50am
Men in Western Society are conditioned to repress their feelings and may not be able to identify, articulate, or express them as a result. This creates an emotional glacier that covers the oceanic volcano beneath it. As men, we are socialized to be basic or even vulgar in our displays of emotion. The human reaction is often discounted entirely. I say this to you because I suspect I know what you are feeling. Please consider that you are dealing with someone who is probably feeling a great deal of desperation and cannot always put into words what he feels.....because he has never been encouraged to do so; because of his gender. Perhaps an effective way to circumvent this problem is a combination of verbal and non verbal strategies. Open ended questions may make him feel safe enough to talk. The key is safety. Men experience double jeopardy when they express their feelings, especially to women whom they are romantically involved with. There is always the possibility of their feelings being used against them as a blunt instrument during the course of the relationship. They are often unprepared to deal with this eventuality because they do not have the emotional skills or awareness needed to mitigate the best solution. Still, I have been in your position. I understand the pain and frustration of coping with someone who is extremely sensitive. I offer myself as an example, for I am a highly sensitive man.
I hear you and your
Submitted by Peter on April 7, 2018 - 1:40pm
I hear you and your intensions are good. Very good. The problem is as a sensitive man have a right to be angry at people who hold me to standards i do not want to be held too. Thing is my father ( my mother) and most of my friends do not expect me to supress my meotions of sadness whatever or expect me to be tough or strong and all that shit. The thing is if a woman wouldnt accept me for who I am (a man who has no problem, crying, who likes to be held and comforted, who likes nurturing who does not like harshness and judgement), that woman is not worth my time. Frankly most women i know love men who are in touch with there emotions, and would think its cool that a guy likes to be held. This is frankly pretty basic and while the women on here have every right to express there views i do not have any interest or desire for a woman who expects me to be taough, lacking in vulnerability, and wont hold me or comfort me. Frankly the whole idea that I have to be any one way because of my gender when my parents didint raise that way and the women ive been with and no have no problems with sensitive guys like me. Frankly the level of closemindedness towards a man who is sensitive wants comfort and warmth, gets there feelings hurt and stuff, or can and be feminine is quite absurd. Most feminists most liberals, and most "good people" men and women i know would embrace a sensitive guy for who he is. Thats my two cents
I am in a situation where I
Submitted by Anonymous on June 20, 2014 - 6:12pm
I am in a situation where I am interested in a man who I think is a highly sensitive person. I am on the opposite end of the spectrum, so much so, that it has been a problem in my life and relationships, but we are continuously thrust together as we work together and are in a band together. Most of the time, and under regular circumstances, I find him attractive, charming, and I enjoy his company very much, but when he gets, what I perceive to be needy and sensitive, my attraction and desire go completely out the window. Not only do I not find him unattractive, I find myself acting like a frantic mother trying to appease and soothe a bratty child. With my background and the fact that I would consider myself almost on the verge of a dis-associative disorder, I wasn't sure if the cause of these feelings are just my own demons at play, and therefore something that I can work on, or if I am just legitimately unattracted to "sensitive" men. I've always dated the "strong, silent" type and been left wanting. I feel like the other qualities he has make him very compatible with me, but I fear that this would always be a problem for us. Not sure what anyone here can really say or do to help, considering you don't know me, but thoughts would be nice. thank you.
I understand
Submitted by Deborah Ward on June 22, 2014 - 5:43am
It's never easy trying to figure out our desires for others, but to me it sounds like you may be compatible in some ways with this man, but he also makes you feel annoyed and confused. That's never a good sign. It's important to remember as well that sensitivity is not the same as neediness or weakness. Sensitivity means you are more aware of your environment, it doesn't mean you are dependent or helpless. If you feel like you have to be a parent to someone, that's not a good basis for a partnership. Instead, focus your energy on getting yourself in good mental health, understand what your needs are and build your own self-confidence. That will help to make these kinds of situations much more clear. I wish you all the best of luck. Deborah
Highly sensitive men.
Submitted by Chaitanya Deshmane on February 22, 2015 - 3:17am
I am too a highly sensitive 25 year old guy. Sensitivity in men do hamper them career; as such person easily get deviated from his goal when any relationship complication happens. I wanna get rid of this. My friends done just mockery of it. Thank you.
Don't Sell Your (Amazing) Soul
Submitted by Christopher on June 28, 2016 - 7:31pm
Yes , a career is important. But take it from a friend who has already been there..... your integrity as a person is priceless and paramount to happiness in your life. I am a professional person who "postured" all the tough-soldier-employee facades for 30 years. Now , at just 52 , I am burnt-out, empty, and have quit my profession because the inhuman atmosphere was toxic and I am as tired as an 82 year old. Lesson: Do what you Love. I am sensitive and I let the wrong people shame for that. Now I am proud and finding my true self. Don't waste years if you don't have to . (I was a clinical pharmacist).
amazed
Submitted by charlie on November 20, 2015 - 11:44pm
And here i am thinking i was the only guy that had this problem. I actually wonder if its all in my head but then i realize "this is the same scenario as previous girlfriends " (i ignored it and boom, heart broken) and wonder if its me. Is being too sensitive to the way a person acts around you a deterrent? Am i doing the pushing by having my feelings hurt? The past year ive been with someone that has treated me like gold and lately it feels like shes pulling away. If i talk about it im crazy. Im not insecure. I dont question her on anything, mysterious texts to instant messages, nope im not concerned. But the affection is big to me. When that disappears my ears perk up and i wonder what if im being naive.
Probably need to pay more attention.
Submitted by All but Dr. Love on April 8, 2018 - 3:24pm
I might be judgmental but relationships need to be taken care of.
and then i learned about MGTOW
Submitted by B Dover on March 27, 2016 - 2:35pm
The "men going their own way" idea has been helpful to see human relations and behavior in a new way. It's is a good thing for the HS man to consider multiple viewpoints.
female instincts
Submitted by jks on May 13, 2016 - 10:29am
I believe I may be a highly sensitive male. I also believe that showing that sensitivity to women is a great way to be friend-zoned for life. It essentially makes the man a neutered/gay "he-girlfriend" type in her mind. I have lots of attractive female friends, and no girlfriend.
I think it's a subconscious, instinctive thing that women aren't even fully aware of themselves. Men need to be strong, to keep cool under pressure. To be able to fight off the cheetah without panicking or breaking down. Doesn't necessarily mean being a dick, but it does mean not showing vulnerability.
problem is with others not you
Submitted by Peter on April 7, 2018 - 2:17pm
Frankly as a sensitive male who was not conditioned to be tough or repress his vulnerabilities (crying etc), the idea that theres people judging you or not letting you be you is frankly atrocious. Any women who cant accept me as a sensitive guy (a guy who shows his vulnerabilities, cries, wants hugs and comfort, likes being held) isnt a woman id want to spend 5 minutes with let alone be my romantic partner. be yourself be your sensitive self. I dont know who these women are that wont let you be you but frankly they are not good women.
Very Insightful
Submitted by Annon on May 15, 2016 - 12:44pm
Very insightful indeed. It seems when I spend a bit of time alone or single rather, I regain lost confidence in myself which typically sends women my way...in my case, old flames. Well, after about 4-6 weeks, I'm learning that I find myself trying to "keep the relationship going". I often do this by being very sensitive to her needs. I can keep a cool head under pressure most of the time, but then I start seeing yellow and red flags that I prefer not to go ignored. Trying to talk about it almost always seemed unwanted, asking too many questions and so forth. Well, it didn't come to me as too much of a surprise, but she had been talking to and seeing someone else. Now, I don't think I did anything to directly cause this, perhaps she was already thinking about it when I came into the picture. Maybe I was a rebound. At the end of the day, I find that when I leave her alone and just do my own thing, here she comes running back trying to get back into my life. My problem is, when I do get to this point, my high sensitivity tends to kick in and I take her back almost every time regardless of what happen. This I know has to stop because ultimately I am unhappy. I will say that I do need some sense to have needs met in the area of sensitivity. I need those emotional talks, I don't believe in hiding things that would otherwise cause relationship chaos as I am a firm believer that anything can be resolved with the proper tools and understanding by both parties. I would say that I certainly get highly sensitive after a couple of drinks. Other than that, I know that I do have some unresolved self-esteem issues to where at some point early in the relationship, I become the "yes man", or the do anything for you type which has not served me well. The answer in this cannot be, just become a total dick. That hasn't worked for me either because it's been based out of anger. But I suppose I can become unmoved by a woman's every need. Ah well, back to embracing my own life and I'll be looking for someone to follow me vs me following someone.
Maybe I've found my home
Submitted by Jeff on May 27, 2016 - 4:44am
I'm highly sensitive. It's hindered me in my career. Currently, it's hindering me in med school.
Is it good or bad to be sensitive? In this life, it's a bit of a curse. I wouldn't say I get offended easily. It's just the cruelty of this world weighs heavy on me.
I know this post is somewhat vague. I'm going to tell my story in a book. I have 2 degrees, was selected for FBI NAT. Left that all for med school. Feel like a failure because of the cruel system of medical care in the USA.
Hi Jeff
Submitted by Deborah Ward on June 12, 2016 - 6:02am
Thanks for your comment. I personally think that being highly sensitive is a great thing, even though it does have its challenges. Knowing that the world can be a cruel place does weigh heavily on HSPs, but our empathy gives us the perfect tools to do something about it. Whatever career path you choose, I think the important thing is to be yourself and to give your sensitivity a chance to express itself. That might be in med school or something else. Whatever you choose, don't think of yourself as a failure. You just need to find a way to use all your unique gifts. I wish you all the best of luck. Deborah
Thank you. Your comments are
Submitted by Jeff on September 29, 2016 - 3:30am
Thank you. Your comments are wise and encouraging.
Not my man
Submitted by Froggie on June 4, 2016 - 6:44am
It is so frustrating trying to find any article that describes my situation. My husband and I are both sensitive, but I react more like described here than he does. I tend to bury my feelings, avoid discussing them, tend to speak curtly, prefer to drop an argument, than talk it over calmly. He wears his emotions on his sleeve, has a million triggers (was abused as a child) and I am constantly being accused of being insensitive and hurting his feelings. I try to watch my tone, apologize when accidentally hurting him, but it's so much, sometimes I find myself just not caring about his myriad emotions and preferring to let him sulk while I ignore him. We talk and talk about it and understand each other well, and he sees a therapist, but I'm still sick of the male role I seem to be stuck in, where I'm so tired of dealing with emotions, that I try just not to have any of my own.
Dear Froggie
Submitted by Deborah Ward on June 12, 2016 - 5:56am
I'm sorry to hear you're in a frustrating situation. It's not easy for two HSPs to be in a relationship. But it's also important not to confuse sensitivity with self-esteem. I'm not a therapist, but I know that we all have to take responsibility for getting our own needs met. Your husband may be relying on you too much emotionally because of his past and ignoring your needs. A relationship needs both partners to be there for each other. Instead of reacting to his emotions, try telling him what you need. You deserve to be heard as much as he does. I wish you all the best, Deborah
Great work Deborah!
Submitted by Dan on July 18, 2016 - 9:28pm
Congratulations Deborah!
This is wonderful work. As a psychologist and highly sensitive man myself, it is crucial both genders are equally aware and accepting of high sensitivity in males and females.
I have also recently just released (what i am led to believe) is the first book dealing specifically with high sensitivity in men.
Here is a link for any readers interested to explore.
https://www.amazon.com.au/Highly-Sensitive-Man-Embrace-wholehearted-ebook/dp/B01INGY07Q/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1468886936&sr=8-1&keywords=the+highly+sensitive+man
Peace
Dan
Great article...this is me.
Submitted by J on September 4, 2016 - 8:02pm
Great article...this is me. And this reinforces my acceptance of my self thanks.
I can try to help
Submitted by SomeOneWhoCares on October 7, 2016 - 5:01am
I understand all of this completely. I am a 19 year old guy and Iv been this way my whole life without even knowing, I just graduated high school this year, I think I speak for all of us when I say I'm happy I'm not alone, I have lost many Friends over my middle and high school years when it truly started to show, But the way I see it is that most of you are looking at the whole relationship part and finding love part, I realize that may be a bigger deal to most of you but you also have to think about working with the situation you are dealing with and trying to get better. If you put no effort in and just use this as your excuse when you get a little over the top when Anger or sadness hits you, you gotta realize there are steps to getting better and if you really want to put a little less stress on loved ones, work on it, work with your self, take a deep breath, and think "am I doing the right thing", and " is there a better way to handle his situation" saying sorry Dosent make you look weak, it makes you look stronger that you can admit what you are doing wrong... Good luck everyone and keep fighting don't let this control your life, put you foot down and say no more
Emotional Q
Submitted by GED on October 22, 2016 - 8:26am
I am a 66 yr old man. I have lived a life. Rough going early in life with emotional and physical abuse. I have always been in the heavy construction world. This is a place where whiners don't go. If you have any problems things get sorted out quickly and if it's something you can't abide by then you must move on. Yet I have managed to make a career in this world. When I hear a particular piano piece or maybe a certain bit of poetry it is all I can do to contain myself. There's this thing in me that feels it to my core...almost a kind of neediness. Sometimes this can be very disturbing and I have a fear that someone may see or sense this breakdown in me. My outside, most times, does not match what's going on inside.
I notice this too in other men in this same place. Over time I have allowed myself to appreciate this emotional similarity in other tough guys. This is what, I think, completes us as REAL good and decent Husbands, fathers, brothers, sons and friends. My struggle is to constantly be able to show these emotions as they come up without losing it completely. I don't know if anyone gets this.
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