Why Saying "No" Is Your Biggest Strategic Flex

As an academic, helping professional, and mom, I used to say yes to almost everything that was asked of me.

It felt like the “successful” thing to do. It was how I demonstrated that I was hardworking, capable, and willing to go above and beyond. It was also fear-based. If I said "no" to an opportunity, it would go to someone else and I might lose my edge.

I got to a point where I was constantly moving—just not forward. I realized my life revolved around crossing tasks off my to-do list or answering emails within 24 hours.

But if you're anything like me, your vision of success when you first started out didn't involve bring your laptop on vacation or taking a conference call while folding laundry.

I realized I was confusing busyness with success. And I was tired of hustling 60-plus hours a week for external validation as an academic psychologist (e.g., publication count, grant dollars). I was tired of missing time with my husband and kids because I didn't finish everything on my to-do list by the arbitrary deadline I set for myself.

As a clinical psychologist, I know that living in line with your values is associated with greater personal fulfillment, but what I didn't realize was that using my values as a filter for whether I'd take something led to greater creativity, innovation, and impact.

Instead of asking: Do I have time for this? I started asking: Does this align with the impact I want to make?

That question was a game-changer. I said no to a few “prestigious” opportunities that would have eaten up my energy without moving me toward my bigger goals. I let go of roles I’d been holding onto out of obligation, not passion.

I realized that the women making the most meaningful impact aren’t the busiest—they’re the most intentional.

Dara Pimkina/Unsplash

Source: I used to say yes to almost everything. A new collaboration? Yes. Another committee? Sure. One more side project? Why not.

The values filter in action

If you’re tired of overcommitting, here’s a starting point:

1. Get crystal clear on your values—the non-negotiables that define the life and career you actually want. I didn't get into clinical psychologist to answer emails; I wanted to improve access to high quality mental health care. The same is true for the women I work with. They want to be of service, move the needle, and leave the world better than they found it. They want to have time and energy left for their family, friends, and hobbies.
2. Evaluate opportunities through that lens—if it’s not a clear yes and it doesn’t align with a top value, it’s a no. Challenge the self-limiting beliefs that push you to say "yes." Here's what used to go through my head: "people will be made if I turn them down," "putting my needs first is selfish," "I should be able to handle all this," "If I stop pushing so hard, I'll lose my success," and even "I'm a bad mom." Fortunately, as a clinical psychologist, I know how to systematically challenge automatic assumptions. I just had to put it into practice.
3. Trust the ripple effect—when you clear the noise, the right projects (and people) have room to show up. You have to put your beliefs about what will happen if you are "OK-ish" instead of perfect or if you leave of phone at home while you take your kids to the pool. In other words, you have to go all-in on your values and see what happens. For example, I now know that literally nothing happens when I don't respond to an email for three days.