Why "Main Character Energy" Can Be a Problem

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“Main character energy” refers to the confidence, charisma, and self-assuredness that we often see in the main characters from our favorite books, shows, and movies. Embracing main character energy means taking a leading role in your life rather than living as a supporting cast member for others. Although this sentiment makes perfect sense, it may be possible to go too far.

Anyone who’s ever watched Sex and the City knows that Carrie Bradshaw, the main character, is pretty selfish about craving the spotlight. She can turn any conversation into a discussion about herself and seeks a high degree of external attention. Of course, Carrie is charming, funny, and often very likable; however, her main character energy (also known as very high extraversion) can cause problems for her in close relationships.

People who are higher in extraversion approach the world with energy and excitement. They tend to be talkative, assertive, and emotionally expressive. Although extraverts often do well in professional and social settings, there are instances in which being overly talkative or wearing your heart on your sleeve may be a liability. Additionally, because people high in extraversion usually prefer novelty, they may require a lot of variety in their lives or risk becoming bored.

Sharing the Spotlight

What can you do if your high extraversion prompts you to steamroll over others in professional or personal settings? First off, consider your values in relationships. How do you want to feel about yourself after the interaction? How do you want other people to feel about you? Sometimes, the rush we get from blurting out our ideas or making someone laugh comes at the expense of those around us. For instance, maybe your co-worker had a good idea to contribute in your latest staff meeting but they couldn't get a word in edgewise and now they're feeling frustrated at you. Or, maybe your friend has a romantic interest in a new acquaintance and you're doing all the talking at happy hour.

We often do things that feel good in the short term (like driving the conversation), but take us farther from our values in the long term (like by alienating others). This awareness is a necessary step in changing our behavior.

Next, set up behavioral experiments in which you challenge yourself to let other people shine. Maybe you make a deal with yourself to contribute to this week's meeting only after everyone else has had a chance to speak. Or, if you notice you are starting to talk at the same time as someone else, cede the conversation to them. Perhaps you could make a point to ask other people questions about themselves or talk up your friend in front of their romantic interest. When you position these behavioral experiments in the context of your interpersonal values (I'm giving other people opportunities, people will see me as a cheerleader), it might make it easier to sit back and let others shine.

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