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Gratitude

The Power of Gratitude in Your Relationship

How to counter the brain's negativity bias.

Key points

  • Expressing gratitude creates trust, connection, and joy in your relationship.
  • Gratitude counteracts negativity bias, helping you see and celebrate your partner’s positives.
  • Ask what you’ve received, given, and caused in your relationship—it deepens understanding and fosters empathy.
  • A thankful heart helps couples face challenges with grace and mutual support.
Carolyn Sharp, personal photo
Carolyn and her husband, Thanksgiving 2023
Source: Carolyn Sharp, personal photo

As Thanksgiving approaches, we are often encouraged to think about the blessings in our lives—family, friends, health, and opportunities. But how often do we take a moment to express gratitude for one of the most significant parts of our lives: our relationship?

In my work as a couples therapist and coach, I’ve seen the transformative power of gratitude. Time and again, I’ve witnessed how practicing gratitude not only counteracts the negativity bias—a natural tendency to focus on what’s wrong—but also fosters deeper connection, understanding, and joy in relationships. Gratitude allows couples to shift their focus from frustrations to the positive contributions they make in each other’s lives, strengthening their connection and their resilience.

Gratitude, when practiced intentionally, has the power to turn even mundane moments into opportunities for connection and joy. It helps us shift our focus from what’s wrong to what’s right, creating a foundation for deeper appreciation and understanding. We can use the upcoming holiday as the prompt to not only give thanks but also learn how to make gratitude a lasting practice in our relationship.

The Science of Gratitude in Relationships

Research consistently shows that gratitude strengthens relationships (Gordon, A. M., Oveis, C., Impett, E. A., Kogan, A., & Keltner, D. [2012]). Expressing appreciation for your partner—whether it’s for the way they brew your morning coffee or the way they support you in tough times—creates a positive feedback loop. It can stop a fight in its tracks, turn a mood from negative to positive, and create more connection instantly. Gratitude helps partners feel valued and encourages more of the positive behaviors being acknowledged.

Gratitude also counteracts the negativity bias—a built-in survival mechanism that causes us to focus on potential threats or shortcomings (Kerr, S. L., O’Donovan, A., & Pepping, C. A. [2015]. Cunha, L. F., Pellanda, L. C., & Reppold, C. T. [2019]) In relationships, this bias can lead us to fixate on annoyances or unmet expectations and overlook the many ways our partner enhances our life. Regularly practicing gratitude rewires our focus, helping us see and celebrate the good more readily.

Introducing the Buddhist Practice of Naikan

To deepen your gratitude practice, consider integrating Naikan, a Japanese contemplative practice rooted in Buddhism. The word "Naikan" translates to “looking inside” or “introspection.” It invites us to reflect on our relationships with humility, gratitude, and clarity by contemplating three key questions:

  1. What have I received from my partner?
  2. What have I given to my partner?
  3. What troubles or difficulties have I caused my partner?

Unlike traditional gratitude practices that focus solely on what we’ve been given, Naikan encourages a balanced perspective. It fosters self-awareness and accountability while highlighting the ways our partner enriches our life. The couples I work with find this a powerful way to shift the dialogue between them and bring more positivity into focus.

How to Practice Naikan Together

Naikan can be practiced individually or as a couple, and Thanksgiving is a perfect time to try it together. Here’s how:

1. Set the Stage. Choose a quiet, comfortable space where you won’t be interrupted. Light a candle, play soft music, or do whatever helps you feel calm and grounded. Face each other.

2. Reflect Individually. Spend 10-15 minutes journaling about the three Naikan questions. Be specific and heartfelt as you reflect:

  • What has your partner done for you recently? Perhaps they’ve supported you during a stressful project, made you laugh when you were down, or handled an errand you were dreading.
  • What have you given to your partner? Think about the ways you’ve shown love, care, or support.
  • What difficulties have you caused? This isn’t about self-criticism but about honest acknowledgment. Did you snap at them during a busy moment? Forget something important to them?

3. Share with Each Other. Take turns sharing your reflections. Begin with what you’ve received, then share what you’ve given, and, finally, what difficulties you may have caused. This vulnerable sharing fosters empathy, understanding, and connection.

4. Express Gratitude. After sharing, take a moment to thank each other. Acknowledge the effort and care that goes into the relationship and express appreciation for your partner’s presence in your life.

Why Gratitude Matters During Challenging Times

Relationships inevitably face challenges, whether from external pressures like work and family or internal struggles like miscommunication or unmet needs. Practicing gratitude doesn’t mean ignoring such difficulties; it means choosing to also see the positive amidst the hard times. Gratitude acts as a bridge, reminding us of the good we share and helping us approach challenges with a united front.

Naikan, in particular, can be a powerful tool during tough times. By reflecting on what we’ve received and what we’ve contributed, we balance the scales, preventing resentment from overshadowing the relationship.

Choose Gratitude

As you gather with loved ones this Thanksgiving, take a moment to focus on your partner. Contemplate the ways they’ve brightened your life, supported your dreams, or simply been there when you needed them. Share these reflections with them, and invite them to do the same for you.

Practicing gratitude isn’t just about the holiday season; it’s about creating a habit that sustains and enriches your relationship year-round. With practices like Naikan, you can deepen your connection, foster understanding, and ensure that gratitude becomes a cornerstone of your partnership.

This Thanksgiving, let gratitude guide you to a stronger, more joyful relationship.

Try it out and share how it feels. Small acts of gratitude can create big changes in your connection.

References

Baylor University. (2024). Baylor research reveals how gratitude boosts health, resilience, and community bonds. Baylor News. news.web.baylor.edu/news/story/2024/baylor-research-reveals-how-gratitude-boosts-health-resilience-and-community-bonds

Neurolaunch. (n.d.). Naikan therapy: A path to gratitude and self-reflection. Retrieved November 17, 2024, from neurolaunch.com/naikan-therapy/

Sharp, Carolyn. (2025). Fire It Up: Four Secrets to Reigniting Intimacy and Joy in Your Relationship. Seattle, Washington: Flashpoint Press.

Gordon, A. M., Oveis, C., Impett, E. A., Kogan, A., & Keltner, D. (2012). To have and to hold: Gratitude promotes relationship maintenance in intimate bonds. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0028723

Cunha, L. F., Pellanda, L. C., & Reppold, C. T. (2019). Positive psychology and gratitude interventions: A randomized clinical trial. Frontiers in Psychology, 10, 584. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2019.00584

Kerr, S. L., O’Donovan, A., & Pepping, C. A. (2015). Can gratitude and kindness interventions enhance well-being in a clinical sample? Journal of Happiness Studies, 16(1), 17–36. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10902-013-9492-1

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