How to Survive a Road Trip Vacation With Your Spouse

As a marriage counselor, I often ask couples, as a diagnostic tool, if the problems that brought them to therapy get better or worse when they’re on vacation. Best-case scenario: When they are away from the demands of the home, the dishes in the sink, the laundry to be done, the bills in the mail, and the in-laws, the stars align, and they remember why they love each other.

Worst-case scenario: They’re trapped in a car for 10 days driving from place to place in Newfoundland, in and out of hotels every two nights. All the bickering, feeling controlled, trouble with decision-making, misaligned comfort with spending, differences in values, and previously hidden competitiveness boils over like a too-full pot of stew bubbling on the stove. A mess to clean up!

A road trip means that there are countless decisions to be made. Someone had to start work months before to book the flights and hotels, rent the car, and organize who would take care of the dog. The organizer is vulnerable to the disapproval of the other partner in case any of those plans don’t turn out well.

Happy Couple in Car

Source: Fast-Stock / Shutterstock

Once you’re on the road, there’s likely to be constant disagreements about the windows being open or closed, the AC on or off, stopping or not to go pee (again), pushing to make the next destination before dinner or meandering around to visit all the craft shops en route. One partner wants to loosen the purse strings and order the lobster. The other is nervous about every penny spent and wants to share an order of fish and chips!

On the road, one driver carefully heeds the speed limit. The other believes that 10 mph above is perfectly fine, so there’s a lot of trying to coerce the other to speed up or slow down. The one at the wheel is the driver; the other is the "naggagator"! Not to mention, it’s Newfoundland, so you have to constantly keep your eye out for moose on the road!

Uncovering the Bare-Bones Dynamic

A road trip uncovers the bare-bones dynamic between the couple. Conflict often arises when one person feels strongly about how things should go, and the other feels controlled and squirms at being told what to do. This dynamic existed at home, but there, it’s diffused. You don’t have to make several decisions in the course of each hour, and you have the space to walk away, do something else, or talk it through with a friend to get some relief.

Here on the road, the stakes are high. This is your one precious vacation, and you really want it to be great! You’re spending a lot of money. You want to have fun and connect, so if things are tense, it’s magnified.

And then there’s the issue of sex. Many people think of vacations as an opportunity to enjoy sex together, so if there’ve been some struggles around sex, the fact that it’s not happening can turn the cabin of the car into a pressure cooker.

Suggestions for a Positive Trip

Ideally, your road trip will be 10 relaxed, fun days, away from the demands of everyday life, where you can hold hands and connect physically, enjoy new experiences, eat good food, connect with the magical landscape, and be flexible enough to roll with whatever pops up. It will be a chance to re-affirm your bond and create happy memories. I’d suggest you prime your expectations by actually verbalizing that wish before you head on the road. Make a pledge to each other to be easy-going, flexible, and positive, as best as possible.

Other suggestions:

• Plan the trip together. Discuss in advance where you want to go, what you’d like to do, and what hotels to book.
• Before you leave, talk about how to handle money. Who pays for what? Separate checks? Are you hoping to stick to a tight budget or relax a bit to be open to add-ons, outings, or boat tours that add to the cost? Get that tense conversation over with before you get the suitcases up from the basement.
• Decide if you want to get away from it all or use the dedicated time in the car to discuss issues and problems that need sorting out. You don’t want to feel trapped in the car, forced to discuss whether to put mom in an assisted living apartment when you’re desperate to get away from that painful choice just for a few days.
• Be aware if your partner is constantly trying to wrest your attention away from your phone. Put your phone down!
• Discuss to what extent one or both of you will be working even though you’re on vacation. Agree about that.
• No blaming!
• Look for opportunities to experience things together, what John Gottman, the couple researcher, calls “turning toward your partner, rather than away.”
• Be open to suggestions from the other—if they want you to slow down, do what John Gottman calls “permitting influence.”
• It’s healthy if you or your partner need time alone. Don’t take it as a rejection. Let them.

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Have a great time on your vacation! And don’t forget to watch out for the moose!