Lisa Thomas LMFT

Save Your Sex Life

How 7 Nights of Sex Can Supercharge Your Love Life

#7NightsOfSex

Posted Jan 10, 2017

Henri Meilhac
Source: Henri Meilhac

Sex is the Problem

About a year ago, my husband and I came to a fork in the road. 

He stated that he didn't think we had sex enough and that he was frustrated and unhappy. I stated that I didn't have desire for any more sex in our relationship and that I was fine. Since sex is one area in a relationship that we have to manage together, I knew I had to listen to his frustrations and try and find a solution. We were both motivated to stay married but needed to find a way for my sexual desire to match his. 

Then I came up with the idea for 7 Nights of Sex.

The Idea

As a young and fresh couple's therapist in training 15 years ago, I remember sitting in the Sexual Desire and Arousal Class that was necessary for my Sex Therapist Credential and learning about what creates sexual desire. Contrary to the myth that horniness occurs after not being sexual for weeks, I was trained that sexual desire is facilitated by a regular rhythm of sexual activity. Thank you for teaching me that, Barry McCarthy!

Thinking about that very point, I then told my husband that we should try and experiment. We were going to prioritize having sex every day for seven days in a row and see how it changed our relationship. 

I remember at the time of my suggestion, he laughed stating that in the 20 plus years we have been together, he couldn't remember a time we had EVER had sex for seven days in a row. I had no rebuttal to that data point, I knew he was right.

Actually, I think the most sex we had ever had was maybe three or four days in a row but probably not more than that. I can't even recall if we had sex for all the seven nights of our honeymoon back in 2001. We probably didn't when I really think about it.

Fine then, I was up for a challenge. Having sex for seven nights won't kill me I thought. It also had been a terrible year after our three year old baby boy was diagnosed with Fragile X Syndrome, a genetic condition that causes intellectual disability. That rocked our world and I was still pretty deep in my grief of swallowing that he would never really grow out of the delays he already had.

Frankly, looking back, I think was willing to try pretty much anything to keep our relationship together. Have you read the statistics on the percentage of parents who divorce after having a special needs child? Spoiler alert, it's like 80 percent plus.

I didn't want to lose my marriage. I also didn't want my husband to feel de-prioritized. I wanted to start focusing back on myself and the things that bring me pleasure and joy like getting lost in the sheets again with my love. 

It felt like it had been a long time since I had lost track of time and sex used to make me feel that way. I wanted it for me. I needed a kick start. I was tired of being sad and disconnected from my husband, I realized it really wasn't helping any of us.

Implementation

As a team, we knew if we were going to be successful, we had to work together & lay out the terms. We agreed to try and have sex each night before we went to bed for seven nights in a row. Sounds pretty easy but it wasn't. 

I told him if we were going to do this successfully, we needed to work backwards as a team. That I needed his help with getting dinner served, cleaned up, homework done, baths accomplished, kids both in bed, a few moments for myself to get organized and then, then time for us. 

It also wasn't like he didn't help with all of these things before, I just told him this time if we needed to get into bed by 9pm each night to have a better sex life, I needed us to work better as a team with getting those tasks accomplished in order to have time for us at the end of each evening.  He 100 percent agreed. We were getting organized and in alignment with scheduling our intimacy dates.

Toa Heftiba
Source: Toa Heftiba

The Tweaks

Then, we had an honest discussion about the kind of sex we were having. I bravely told him that in order to get me in the mood to really want to have the sex, I needed some good foreplay or at least a good vibrator thrown in the mix.  

During that discussion it became obvious to me that because we weren't having very much sex, we were just kind of jumping into it and skipping the foreplay which diminished my interest. He totally agreed with me that we should change up our sexual script and make sure we have kissing, foreplay and sex as cumulative stops on our way to accomplishing 7 Nights of Sex and good sex!

​The Results

So, want to know what happened? We cinched the seven nights, my sexual desire increased and the most important piece of all, we have pretty much kept it up even a year later! 

We don't have sex every night but I would say every other night is pretty typical now. It has been 14 months since we kicked off our 7 Nights of Sex and I can say with confidence that it changed our marriage for the better. 

We are closer, we are more physical with hand holding, with kissing and with touching. It has helped us deal with our stress, our children and our problems in a much more effective manner because since we are having sex and intimacy most nights, it forces us to deal with our problems instead of ignoring them like we used to. I realized it's difficult to have sex with someone when you haven't dealt with your feelings about them and with them. Now, we clean up problems as we go forward and both feel like we are prioritizing our relationship which helps us more effectively deal with everything.        

Trying a 7 Day Sex Challenge may do wonders for your relationship. 

Make it a New Year's Resolution to give it a shot together and supercharge your love life in 2017.

If you would like to set up a time to speak to me personally about your relationship or your sex life, please visit my website at www.OnlineCouch.com to book a time slot or send me an email at lisa@onlinecouch.com

I visit with clients from all over the world via Skype, FaceTime and Telephone along with in person appointments in my office in Denver, Colorado. I look forward to being able to help you and Save Your Sex Life!

Deahna Brockman
Source: Deahna Brockman

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