Lisa Thomas LMFT

Save Your Sex Life

Why Intimate Sex Is the Key to a Successful Relationship

Great sex is a learned skill, understanding how intimacy works is key

Posted Aug 10, 2016

What do you think of when I say “Intimate Sex”? 

Is it a certain position or state of mind you have when being sexual?

Have you ever been told you have “Intimacy Issues” or do you feel a lack of so called intimacy in your relationship?

I think I have the answer to your question, what are the keys to opening up the channels of better connection, better attachment and better intimacy with your partner?

Knowing how to have intimate sex.

Think of intimacy on a continuum, on one side is your closed self, on the other end is your open self. 

On the closed side, you are disconnected and shut down.  Think eyes closed and holding your breath during lovemaking.  You aren’t inhaling in the scent of your partner, you might be thinking negatively about them, your mind is someplace else, not oriented to this moment in front of you.   

You are tense, stressed and cold. Disconnected.

On the other end of the continuum is your open self.

Your open self is connected with another, your mind open, your eyes open, looking into the soul of the other person.  You are breathing in their scent, tasting their aroma, focused on presently what’s in front of you, thinking positive thoughts, not in anxiety about how you look, smell, taste or feel.

You are relaxed, warm and open.  Connected.

Now think about the concept of open or closed intimacy.  Think of the last time you were sexual with another person.  Certainly, you can be open or closed sexually when you self-pleasure, but we are focusing on “partner sex” for this moment. Increasing intimacy with another person.

Now image what it could do for your sexual relationship if you brought the qualities listed above to the equation.  Having a mindset and an aura of openness and relaxation aid in the bonding process during sex and make the experience a more quality one.  Good sex can be like a glue that holds a relationship together in times of stress.  Having sex be “tension reducing” and relaxing rather than “tension producing” and stressful will aid in the intimacy bond and the quality of the connection.

So much so that some couples report that good sex can bridge the distance gap in times of stress, such as during the child rearing years.  Good sex is free, adds longevity to your lifespan, is excellent for your cardiovascular health and can contribute to a sense of calm and inner peace. 

So what do you do if you find yourself on the closed side of the intimacy spectrum? How do you work towards having a more intimate sexual relationship with your partner?

You can do several things to begin promoting change.

First, you have to accept that you are a sexual being and that you deserve intimacy, sex, pleasure and connection in your life.  Feeling shameful, guilty, worried or negative towards sex will only promote that frame of mind.  If you need support to shed that belief try taking with a AASECT Certified Sex Therapist to help you work through your feelings in a supportive setting. 

Second, you have to believe that sex and sexual pleasure is something that should happen for you and not for anybody else. Sex is not a servicing activity in which you are solely there to pleasure someone else.  Sex is an activity that you do for you. Believing that you deserve sexual pleasure and sexual satisfaction in your life are cornerstones for being able to achieve intimate sex.

Next, we need to talk about your orgasm.  One of the keys to intimate sex is having an orgasm most of the time.  Now keep in mind that about 10-15% of the time, naturally occurring sexual dysfunction may occur.  Usually this is caused by being too tired, maybe being too stressed, possible too much to drink, maybe anxiety, etc.  Point being, in order to really connect with having intimate sex you need to allow your partner to pleasure you and you need to be willing to make your pleasure a part of the sexual experience.

Making time to have an orgasm during sex is a key ingredient for building intimacy.       It allows you to be vulnerable to your partner and also allows them to touch you and pleasure you to strengthen the bond between you as you coach them on touching you for pleasure and ultimately orgasm.  Intimate sex is a symmetrical experience with partners taking turns to pleasure each other and look at one another while pleasure is happening.

Next tip, don’t skip the foreplay!  Many couples I see for couple’s therapy who aren’t having good sex have completely done away with foreplay in their relationships.  Foreplay is so important to intimate sex!  Foreplay is the only part of the sexual script where partners generally take turns pleasuring one another.  Think about it, the kissing is mutual and the sex is mutual but the foreplay is the only piece of the sexual script where partners can take turns doing something solely for their pleasure. 

It promotes feeling desired, it promotes getting aroused and ready for sex and it promotes looking at one another and communicating what feels good through words, hand movements or noise.  Don’t skip foreplay, it should be a part of your script every time you are sexual to promote intimacy, connection and bonding.  If you feel like you don’t know what you are doing or need to build your confidence around it, ask your partner to give you tips on what feels good to them as you are touching them. 

Another important tip is to make sure you are scheduling and prioritizing time for intimacy in your life.  Aim to set aside at least an hour a week to spend with your partner in bed, in the shower or in any kind of an intimate setting where you can connect physically.  Using the excuse of being too tired or having kids is not acceptable.  The most valuable gift you can give your children is modeling a happy and connected relationship.  Get the kids out of your bed, put a lock on your door and schedule to spend time with your mate, every week. Yes, weekly!

Last tip for intimate sex is to physically look at one another and allow your partner to see into your soul or at least into your eyes.  Be open to the experience of really looking at your partner and really trying to connect with them while you are touching and being touched.

The keys to intimate sex include feeling that you deserve sexual pleasure, participating in foreplay, achieving orgasm, scheduling time and locking eyes with your partner.  Good and connected sex can be a glue that holds your bond together during stress.  Learning how to have a quality connection and increasing intimacy with your partner will protect the relationship and keep your bond strong.

As always, feel free to email with your questions, visit my website to view my helpful videos or schedule a time for us to connect personally about your unique situation.

I’m here to help, thanks for listening and good luck!!

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