Healing Erectile Dysfunction

Use tools to regain your confidence.

Posted Nov 11, 2010

Are you a man struggling with erectile problems? You may believe that you will have difficulty with this forever or that is not solvable unless you take medication for the problem. But a pill may not fix all of the trouble. Here's why.

For most men, erectile problems are caused by an anxiety issue, not a medical issue. While prescriptions such as Viagra, Levitra, and Cialis may help to solve the problem of getting your penis hard, you may not get to the core of why your penis is having difficulty getting hard in the first place. By then you are committed to taking prescriptions and "timing" when we are sexual for the rest of your sexual relationship. Getting to the core of the anxiety and taking back control of your body is what we will discuss in this article.

Keep in mind that the only two ingredients necessary for an erection are to be aroused and to be relaxed. When something interferes with one of those natural functions, you may experience erectile difficulties.

If you are experiencing a medical issue and cannot obtain an erection on your own due to vascular issues, a disability, or other medical circumstance than erectile medications may be a lifesaver. I am speaking to the other men in the population who may be dodging their sexual difficulties by hiding behind a prescription, because it may be easier than exploring the problem.

Pay Attention to Your Relationship

You must be willing to look at what is going on between two and your partner. You may want to have a discussion with your clothes on about the way you two are going about being sexual. Are you satisfied with the frequency? Are you pleased with the script of what you are doing in bed (kissing, foreplay, and intercourse)? Do you feel like you are connecting during a sexual experience? Are you reading each other's cues correctly?

When couples have sex less than twice a month, you are almost guaranteed to have an anxiety-laden experience. The reason is that you fall out of a routine of intimate touch and it becomes very anxiety-producing to get back into bed with each other. If you are not able to be sexual at least twice a month, you should spend time laying in bed and holding each other so as not to move too far away from intimacy and touch as a part of what you do. Couples with bad frequency set themselves up to be nervous, because they may feel that each person has to "knock it out of the park." Since that can't be guaranteed, you are better off having more frequent experiences. Learn how to handle "natural failures" by discussing this, confronting your anxiety about failures, and learning how to be intimate in other ways than penetration.

Masturbate, but Be Careful

What I mean by "masturbate, but be careful" is pay attention to the way you are masturbating and the material of what you are masturbating to. Some men use such a rough stroke and touch that the arousal and pleasure of doing it that way cannot be duplicated in partner sex. With that being said, just pay attention to pleasuring yourself in a way that can be done in the bedroom you share with your partner. Also, pay attention to your explicit materials. If you are pleasuring yourself watching material that is so different than your experience with your partner, you may be setting yourself up for erectile and arousal problems. Try to watch material that is relational in nature or somehow depicts a story of two lovers being together. This will help work with the arousal pattern you are trying to create in your relationship. The other old fashioned idea is to just look at 2D images (magazines or books) that don't have the same arousal level as watching porn online. 2D image porn may not seem as exciting at first, but after a while, you will begin to notice a resensitization that happens in real life with your partner.

Slow Down. What's the Rush?

You have to be willing to look at the pace at which you and your partner are being sexual. If your sexual script has boiled down to one minute of touching and then you expect to be ready to go, your penis may be trying to communicate something important to you: Slow down and take a moment to get yourself aroused and ready for sex.

The media does a horrible job of teaching us how to be sexual. The movies depict folks kissing or touching and then everybody is just ready to go. At home, your sexual patter may be rushed because it is late or the kids may come in and need something. In functional sexual relationships, adults learn to lock the doors, tell kids they need some privacy, and make time to connect through sex and touching to prepare.

Avoiding dealing with intimacy and sex illustrates that you don't have a firm grip on your own anxiety and you may need to settle down and stop being avoidant. Slow down and marinate in your anxiety. Tell your partner that you are uncomfortable, which may be contributing to losing your erection. Work through it together. You may need more arousal, you may need more closeness in the relationship, and you may need to look at what you say to yourself during sex. Your mindset should be positive and relaxed; your focus should be on your partner's pleasure and responses, not on your penis. If criticism is a barrier in your sexual relationship, you may want to talk to a sex therapist for guidance.

A very smart man, psychologist, and mentor of mine. Dr. David Schnarch, once said: "The bedroom and sexual relationships are the cradle of adult development." Open your eyes and your mind about why you are having this problem.