16 Ways People Cope With Breakups

Breakups, especially those which are unwanted, generally unfold as particularly painful experiences. Often, they trigger a range of behaviors that reflect how we regulate loss, attachment, and identity.

In a recent study, researchers asked 118 adults (65 women, 53 men; average age 36) to describe how they would cope with the end of a romantic relationship they wanted to continue. From these responses, they identified 84 distinct behaviors, which were organized into 16 coping strategies, and further grouped into five broader patterns of coping.

The most common overarching approach involved shifting attention away from the relationship (e.g., focusing on oneself or staying busy), followed by seeking support and social withdrawal. Less commonly, participants reported coping through sex or substances. Gender and age differences also emerged: Women were more likely to seek support, while men were more likely to report casual sex or alcohol use. Interestingly, younger adults were more likely to turn to friends.

Following are the 16 specific strategies, along with what each may signal psychologically.

1. Focus on Myself

• I would focus on myself
• I would spend time with myself
• I would focus on self-improvement
• I would focus on my goals
• I would do things I enjoy
• I would focus on other areas of my life

This reflects identity reconstruction, a common phenomenon following breakups. After a breakup, people often shift from relational identity (“we”) back to individual identity (“I”).

2. Reconciliation Attempts

• I would focus on finding ways to win him/her back
• I would try to win him/her back
• I would try to reach out to him/her
• I would try to accept it

These behaviors are often driven by an attempt to restore proximity and perhaps negotiate a different relational outcome.

3. Disassociation Strategies

• I would throw away things that remind me of him/her (e.g., gifts, clothes)
• I would throw away/delete his/her photos
• I would erase his/her phone number
• I would destroy his/her things
• I would block him/her on social media
• I would cut off all communication with him/her
• I would distance myself from anything related to him/her
• I would try to put any thoughts of him/her out of my mind

This is emotional boundary-setting. It reduces exposure to triggers, though excessive suppression may delay processing.

4. Understanding What Went Wrong

• I will try to think about the reasons why the relationship ended
• I will try to understand the reasons why the relationship ended
• I will try to process the events and understand the real reason for ending this relationship
• I will try to understand what went wrong
• I will try to identify the mistakes I made, so that I don’t repeat them in the future
• I will try to rationalize the reasons that led to the relationship ending

This reflects meaning-making. Generally, having a greater understanding of the demise of a relationship can actually support growth. However, when excessive, it can become rumination, prolonging negative affect.

5. Seek New Relationships

• I would seek to have sex with someone else
• I would have casual sex
• I would start dating
• I would start using dating apps
• I would seek to start another relationship soon

This strategy can signal avoidance, if motivated by wanting a distraction from processing.

6. Social Withdrawal

• I would isolate myself
• I would shut myself off
• I would not talk to anyone

Withdrawal can regulate overwhelm in the short term, but prolonged isolation tends to intensify distress.

7. Seek Professional Help

• I would seek psychological support from a professional
• I would go to a psychologist
• I would undergo psychotherapy

This reflects intentional coping and actively engaging with structured emotional processing.

8. Positive Reframing

• I would focus on the hope that I will find someone better
• I would try to think that I deserve someone better
• I would try to think that I can find someone better
• I would try to think that this partner is not right for me
• I would try to think that since the relationship is over, maybe it wasn’t worth it after all
• I would try to think that this outcome is better for me
• I would think that it was meant to be
• I would make a list of his/her negatives to realize how wrong he/she was for me
• I would try to forget him/her

This is cognitive restructuring, leading to rewriting the narrative of the relationship to reduce emotional attachment.

9. Work

• I would dedicate myself to my work/studies
• I would focus on my professional goals
• I would work overtime
• I would pursue a postgraduate degree/postgraduate training

Work can restore control and structure but may also serve as a socially acceptable form of avoidance.

10. Family Support-Seeking

• I would ask for advice on how to deal with it from relatives
• I would seek psychological support from relatives (e.g., parents, siblings, cousins)
• I would discuss ending the relationship with my family
• I would spend more time with relatives

Family can provide stability, though it may also reinforce fixed interpretations of the breakup.

11. Keep Myself Busy

• I would try to keep my mind off of what is going on
• I would keep myself busy so that I don’t have time to think about it
• I would do things to take my mind off it
• I would spend more time with my friends

This is one of the most commonly-endorsed strategies, which is helpful in the short run, but not as effective for long-term recovery.

12. Improve Looks

• I would make changes to my appearance
• I would improve my looks

This can reflect self-restoration or a search for validation following rejection.

13. Friends Support-Seeking

• I would ask friends for advice on how to deal with it
• I would ask friends for psychological support
• I would discuss ending the relationship with friends
• I would discuss ending the relationship with an opposite-sex friend

Social processing helps regulate distress, though repeated retelling can become cyclical.

14. Start a New Activity or Hobby

• I would start an activity/hobby
• I would seek to engage in a creative/artistic activity
• I would try to get more in touch with nature (e.g., walks in the forest/park)
• I would find new interests

This reflects behavioral activation through reintroducing novelty, meaning, and pleasure.

15. Use Substances

• I would use drugs
• I would consume alcohol

This approach tends to delay, rather than resolve, emotional pain.

16. Acceptance of Emotions

• I would let myself experience unpleasant emotions
• I would let myself get angry
• I would let myself cry

This is emotional processing in its most direct form.

The research suggests that most people move between strategies: distracting themselves one day, reflecting the next, or trying reaching out, pulling back, reframing, or revisiting the past. The process is less about choosing the “right” strategy and more about recognizing which ones move you toward integration and which keep you ruminating and, ultimately, stuck.

Facebook image: antoniodiaz/Shutterstock