Unsure About a Friendship? Ask for Space

If you find yourself evaluating a friendship that you’ve noticed makes you feel uncomfortable, or no longer feels particularly reciprocal, fair, or kind, you may feel increased pressure throughout the holidays season to affirm a relationship you simply no longer feel good about.

One approach to give yourself the time you may need to evaluate your feelings and the friendship is simply to ask your friend for space. When we ask someone for space, and do so respectfully, we allow ourselves time without pressure to manage our own emotions and come to terms with our feelings. When we give an explanation for why we want space, it also allows us to take some time without guilt or leaving a friend who was once or still is important to us in the lurch. Setting the boundary for space with an explanation also gives the friend time to reflect on their experiences and potentially change their behavior. Additionally, we also gain new insight into how the person on the receiving end may behave when it comes to our boundaries, which can also inform how we feel about the friendship, and, ultimately, what to do about it.

If you are feeling this way, a request for space may sound like: “I’ve been feeling distanced from you lately because I feel as though I’m always making the effort to see you, but it doesn’t feel reciprocal. I feel hurt about this, and I’d like some space to reflect before we connect again.”

The best relationships come down to both friends wanting the best for each other and doing what is right for the other, even if that were to mean sacrificing the friendship entirely. If you ask a friend for space, and they respond by feeling confused, ask you for clarification, or are upset at your request, but ultimately understand and respect your ask, and allow you the space you’ve communicated that you need, the learning would suggest that this is a person capable of respecting your needs, putting their own emotions aside to support yours, understanding your boundaries, and perhaps wanting the best for you, regardless of what that means for them.

An example of a friendship-affirming response may sound like: “I’m having a difficult time understanding what I’ve done wrong or why you need space. If I’ve done something wrong, I’m sorry, and would like to make it right. Do you think we can speak?”

In the case of a friend wanting to make amends, better understand your feelings, or take accountability for their actions, forgiveness—which I write about here—and revisiting the friendship may be the right path forward.

In response to asking for space, a friend may also react negatively, which I write about here. They may also act manipulatively, which I write about here, which will help inform you of how to best move forward in the friendship, in a way that feels right to you.