Ask for Space: The Manipulative Ways a Friend Might Respond

In part 1 of this series on “Ask for Space,” I wrote about the benefits of asking for space from a friendship and how it can lead to a deeper mutual understanding of grievances and the value of friendship, thereby bringing the relationship closer together.

In part 2, I outlined how a friend may negatively react to asking for space from the relationship, notably with an empty apology or in a disorganized way. If a friend reacts negatively, it may be worth re-evaluating whether further clarification is needed and may inform you on how you'd like to move forward with the friendship.

In response to asking for space, apart from reacting positively or negatively, a friend may react in a way that feels manipulative. This may be through one of the following ways:

Responding Defensively

In response to asking for space, a friend may act defensively, saying, "I need space from you, too," or make excuses for the actions that were the impetus for your asking for space. While excuses may be true and valid, past hurts remain unaddressed without taking full and specific responsibility. Excuses diminish accountability, which makes it difficult to forgive, and even more difficult to reform what is essential to friendships: trust.

A defensive response may sound like, "What do you mean our friendship doesn't feel reciprocal? Remember a few years ago, I went out of my way to spend the whole weekend with you. I have been a great friend to you.” or, "I know I messed up, but it's only because I've been really busy working and you wouldn't understand how difficult that is."

A defensive response that focuses less on how you feel and more on the validation of your friend’s behavior can invalidate your current feelings, resulting in more hurt, and drive the friendship even further apart.

Attempting to Control

In response to your asking for space, your friend may attempt to control the situation by not respecting your wishes and continuing to contact you in a way that feels excessive, aggressive or forced, effectively invading the space you’ve asked for. The friend may also enact an ultimatum, demanding to hear from you by a defined period of time, or else they may threaten to end the friendship themselves. By asserting their own power over the situation, a person who reacts to asking for space in a controlling way may be attempting to regulate their own emotions, particularly if they struggle with anxiety.

However, by acting in a controlling way, the wrongdoing friend not only disallows the space you need but their attempt to control your wants can leave you feeling powerless, as the need for restoration becomes less about you and your feelings and more about having to manage your friend’s. This could lead to exhaustion, resentment, and an inability to see the friendship as fruitful or reciprocal.

Inducing Guilt

When asking for space, the person on the receiving end may react by trying to guilt you into feeling as though you are doing something wrong by expressing your needs, which may sound like, "you're trying to punish me by spending less time with me."

Stonewalling is a term for a reaction that can be punitive, wherein a person refuses to cooperate, answer questions, or may outright fully ignore another person, usually without warning. This refusal to cooperate often occurs in conflict and may be a coping mechanism to deal with emotional flooding or a punitive technique to evade conflict. However, the difference between asking for space and stonewalling is that asking for space, particularly with a given reason, explains that you are focusing on your needs and don't have the capacity to be a good friend while evaluating the friendship. It's done for the benefit of the requestor and, by extension, the friendship itself. If the request for space is not met with hostile, negative, or manipulative responses, it is reasonable that the friendship would continue after some respectful time apart.

Trying to evoke feelings of guilt in another person, however, is a manipulative response that attempts to control the other person’s behavior by trying to make them intentionally feel guilty or remorseful about their decisions. As a passive-aggressive tactic, studies have shown that on the receiving end, guilt-tripping can lead to resentment and a loss of intimacy. It can also negatively affect the receiver’s mental health, worsening their self-esteem and anxiety.

Bread-Crumbing

The term "bread-crumbing," used most frequently when speaking of romantic relationships, usually refers to giving just enough to keep the other party interested. When bread-crumbing, the friend may continue to contact you or others around you with whom they previously did not have a defined relationship, thereby invading your space in an attempt to showcase themselves as a good friend and win your friendship back.

On the more extreme ends of bread-crumbing, if the friend is narcissistic, they may first respect your request for space, but upon realizing your distance is serious, they may engage in hoovering, a manipulative tactic that attempts to bring a person back into their life. Hoovering usually involves love-bombing, dramatic declarations, sending gifts or cards, convincing you of how they've changed, or attempting to win you over by continuing to "be there for you."

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Narcissistic hoovering may cause you to feel guilty and want to give the friend another chance. Before doing so, consider whether the friend has actually shown a willingness to change or salvage the relationship in a mutually respectful way. After all, gift giving does not replace trust.

The beauty of taking space to reevaluate relationships comes in the form of allowing you the ability to process your emotions, both positive and negative, around your friendship. The space allows you insight into whether the friendship is right for you in the most respectful and authentic way possible. If the friend from whom you’ve asked for space is unable to tolerate your request by focusing on themselves and their feelings effectively making your need about them, diminishing your feelings by being defensive, or attempting to control, guilt, or manipulate you, their actions will serve to clarify how to move forward.

Friendships can be hard to navigate and can often involve a great deal of stress when in conflict. If through this process of asking for space, you’ve discovered that the friendship is not one you would like to continue, from a closure perspective, you may want to explain why you no longer feel the friendship is right for you. However, if you feel hesitant about contacting the friend out of fear of retaliation, having to manage their emotions, or being potentially manipulated or guilted, it may not be healthy to do so.

In asking for space, remember that you are also giving your friend the opportunity to evaluate your friendship. Alas, you both may find that the friendship may have run its course, and that may be the healthiest outcome for you both.