What I Learned About the Importance of Values in a Relationship

As my wedding quickly approaches, I find myself both taking comfort in the arms of my fiancé while also being reminded of the past and filled with gratitude for how my life has unfolded. The ideas below are ones that come from reflective thought and research:

Choose someone who shares your values.

When we were both in graduate school in Boston, a close friend once said that she wanted a life partner who would witness her life—a sentiment which was repeated during her vows to her husband on her wedding day some years later. I thought it was an intriguing idea. Someone who could help make one’s existence meaningful just by witnessing their daily habits and occasions large and small. My summary, however, has always been different. I’ve always wanted a partner in the true sense of the word. I wish I could tell my younger self that everyone who is capable of having an opinion likely has different philosophies on love. Try to find someone who shares your philosophy, as it may speak to your underlying values.

Attraction is important, but other things are more so.

When thinking of the Disney fantasies that are often taught to young girls, who in a few years turn into young women, it's important to note that we don’t know very much about the Disney prince, just the facts at hand: he’s tall, usually dark-haired, and evidently handsome. He has very little substance or airtime allotted to him, but we know that he has some heroic qualities about him, or engages in heroic acts in order to save the princess. The princess also has very little choice in the matter of who it is that's saving her. Granted, the narrative has changed in more recent films, such as Tangled and Frozen, but those are not the stories women of my generation grew up with. Instead, we got beauty’s beast, an angry and controlling monster who literally locks her away and refuses her food. Through time, the beast does change, but what a terrible message to send to girls. My generation also grew up with Cinderella’s prince, who I cannot name and frankly don’t know anything about other than the obvious fact that he looks for her with a shoe.

Now, attraction is important. In fact, it’s the most important factor when we first start seeing someone. But through time, attraction wanes, and in order to sustain the relationship, what becomes more important is the values one has and whether they are shared. As time passes, the role one takes in a relationship becomes the most important factor. This is known as the "stimulus value role" theory. While regular stimuli, like being physically attracted, sharing a similar educational background, or sharing religious beliefs may be important, dispelling the Disney myth and considering someone’s values first is quite a time saver. While it may be hard to override biology in terms of being purely attracted to someone, consider attraction as a necessary secondary attribute. Start with values, and make a decision from there.

If you feel something is wrong, say something.

Communication is important; in fact, it is the lifeblood that sustains relationships. If you cannot communicate how you feel to your partner, or, if, at the end of your discussion, you feel disrespected, small, or unheard, and you shy away from communicating these feelings or find yourself continuously withdrawn, consider whether the relationship is right for you.