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This series supports the free Future of Mental Health virtual conference I’m hosting from February 23 – 27, 2015. Please get your free ticket to the conference now by visiting https://www.entheos.com/The-Future-of-Mental-Health/Eric-Maisel. And plan to attend!
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This is Day 3 of your 30 days to better mental health. Each day I want to propose one simple idea and one simple strategy in support of that idea. Here is the post for Day 1 on “flipping the calmness switch”:
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/rethinking-psychology/201501/day-1-flipping-the-calmness-switch
Here is the post for Day 2 on “giving life a thumb’s up”:
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/rethinking-psychology/201501/day-2-giving-life-thumbs
By the way, you may want to ask a friend to join you for these 30 days. The two of you can chat about the ideas I’m presenting and support each other in your efforts to try out these strategies. You might even want to get a whole group involved. This work is that important!
Today, Day 3, we look at the following.
Maybe there’s some big thing that you know that you need to do. Maybe it’s changing your job, separating from your mate or stopping your drinking. Maybe it’s “smaller” than that but still feels gigantic internally. Maybe it’s really admitting that you are not at all happy with the way your adult son is acting, really not at all happy with the way you toss away your resolutions at the first hint of difficulty, or really not at all happy with the way you create unnecessary drama in your life.
Just thinking one of these thoughts is likely to produce panic. This thing feels so huge, dangerous, and consequential that you can’t get anywhere near tackling it—or even thinking about it. You have the thought “I hate my job!”, bite your lip, dismiss the thought, and get back to work. You have the thought, “My son is not acting respectfully toward me,” bite your lip, dismiss the thought, and smile as he insults you. You have the thought, “Wow, I am creating all this drama in my life,” bite your lip, dismiss the thought, and race off impulsively toward some unnecessary excitement.
How can you make a useful change if you can’t tolerate the thought that anchors and supports that change? Tolerating a difficult thought is much harder than people realize. Not being able to tolerate one’s own thoughts is the key dynamic to the defense called “denial”: how can you truly notice the consequences of your drinking or your spending habits if you can’t tolerate difficult thoughts about your drinking or your spending habits? Tolerating a difficult thought is the key to recovery, growth, healing, and change.
Try thinking a thought that you know agitates you. Let’s say it’s “I need a divorce.” Do you go blank instantly? Do you have physical sensations, like nausea or light-headedness, associated with panic? Are you barraged and assaulted by thoughts like “If I leave him I’ll suddenly be poor!” and “I’ve never worked in my life” and “I’ll feel like such a failure!” and “Children of divorce have so many problems!” and “What will I say to my priest!” and “My parents will give me such a look when I tell them” and more? What actually happens when you try to think a difficult thought?
Our important Day 3 principle is that it is really hard to maintain a difficult thought for more than a bare instant. The new affirmation or new cognition that goes with this truth is, “I can tolerate a difficult thought for more than an instant, even if I get all shaken up by it!” Our Day 3 simple strategy in support of this important effort, being able to tolerate difficult thoughts for more than instant, is “Thinking a difficult thought for ten seconds.”
Pick a thought that you do not want to think, think that thought, and then very slowly count to ten internally. That’s all you need to do. Just “be with the thought” for ten seconds. Don’t worry about “doing anything” with the thoughts and feelings that may flood you as you try to stay with that difficult thought. You don’t have to dispute them, answer them, handle them, accept them, or anything. You just have to survive them. You just have to tolerate them. Your goal is to learn how to not race away from difficult thoughts and how to remain in their presence for a full ten seconds.
Doing this “simple thing” may feel horribly hard. But in order to make the changes that we need to make in life, including better handling our sadness, anxiety, and addictive tendencies, a first step is tolerating disturbing thoughts that come fraught with consequences. Learning how to tolerate these difficult thoughts creates calmness and an opening for growth and change. You begin to see that you can survive the thoughts and feelings that come with thinking difficult thoughts. Decisions and action steps are likely to come next.
Big change is hard and trying to think about big change may be even harder. Bringing up difficult thoughts creates whirlwinds and hurricanes. Learn how to bravely weather these storms. In that way you give yourself a better chance to make the changes likely to improve your emotional health. Pick a difficult thought, think it, and then quietly count to ten. That’s “all.” That may prove a lot! And accomplishing that “simple” task may work wonders.
To summarize:
Your day 3 goal: Learning to tolerate difficult thoughts.
The key principle: Our tendency is to immediately flee our difficult thoughts, thus ruining our chances for growth, healing, and change.
The key strategy: Tolerating a difficult thought for ten seconds.
Good luck today! Tomorrow: Day 4.
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Dr. Eric Maisel is the author of 40+ books including Life Purpose Boot Camp, Rethinking Depression, and Coaching the Artist Within. In 2015 he will be launching a Future of Mental Health initiative. You can learn more about Dr. Maisel’s books, services, trainings and workshops at http://ericmaisel.com. Contact Dr. Maisel at ericmaisel@hotmail.com. And don’t forget to attend the free Future of Mental Health virtual conference in February: https://www.entheos.com/The-Future-of-Mental-Health/Eric-Maisel
