How Can I Explain My Adult ADHD to People I Know?

Are you an adult ADHD looking for something that explains ADHD to others? Check this out.

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Over my career working with adults with ADHD, I'm often asked for something they can give to loved ones explaining ADHD. Here's an excerpt of such a synopsis.¹

There’s no fix for ADHD

The treatments for ADHD are among the most effective in behavioral healthcare. The coping strategies will work—if they’re used. There’ll be consequential improvements, but there’s no complete “solution” or “fix” for ADHD. The symptoms and executive function variability across situations will persist even for those in treatment and with adequate coping skills and support.

Effectively managing ADHD is difficult, and there will be slipups, even when progress is being made. The slipups are frustrating for those in the life of someone with ADHD to witness. The desire for a clear, quick fix, though understandable, will be a source of frustration for you.

ADHD is annoying

Most adults with ADHD know firsthand that their ADHD symptoms are annoying and frustrating. It sure is for them. They know that they affect other people, which is a triple whammy: (1) their symptoms affect you, (2) they can’t explain or undo them, and (3) they can’t 100 percent promise that they won’t happen again. They also know that you’ve heard them repeatedly say “sorry,” but because ADHD is a performance problem, the heartfelt apology and genuine desire to do better won’t translate into the hoped-for change right away.

If you’re reading this, the person you know with ADHD is taking positive steps. They appreciate your effort and understanding. It makes a huge difference as they do the hard work of change.

ADHD is unintentional

Adults must take responsibility for their actions, but keep in mind that some breaches of etiquette and social norms, as well as a variety of other ways ADHD can show up, are essentially involuntary and unintended.

It’s ADHD, not indifference, laziness, or insensitivity

When the behavior of someone with ADHD upsets you, it’s easy to attribute their actions to negative character traits, like that they don’t care, are lazy, or are insensitive (“They knew we were leaving at three; I reminded them, and they were still late”). Individuals with ADHD often face many misattributions of their behaviors, focusing not on the fact that they were late, missed a deadline, or said the wrong thing at the wrong time, but on the explanations for their behavior. Instead, remember “this is ADHD,” express your frustration, and work through the issue with them. Keep in mind, the person with ADHD is probably having harsher internal thoughts than you might imagine.

Offer understanding and support

Having a couple of people in their lives who “get it” makes a tremendous difference. Such support takes the form of patience and forbearance with ADHD-related slipups. This does not mean immunity from consequences, but rather outcomes are faced with understanding and proportionality. You can encourage adults with ADHD to keep up with treatment appointments, seek out local ADHD organization-sponsored meetings and support groups, and use other self-care and coping skills that benefit them, you, and your relationship. Approaching ADHD with a sense of good humor can be helpful.

When you see something positive, say so

When you notice and catch examples of good coping, such as the person with ADHD in your life following through on a promise or being ready to leave on time, tell them. You can also highlight their positive qualities, like their sense of humor or kindness, which are easily lost in the flurry of ADHD issues.

Support good coping

You shouldn't be the coach or therapist for the person with ADHD in your life. However, there are ways that you can support and advocate for them. Body-doubling can be an easy one, such as running errands together or doing chores, including just getting them kick-started on a task. Your support might also take the form of regular check-in meetings to coordinate a shared household calendar and to ensure follow-up on respective projects at school, work, or home, making sure you’re on the same page.

Another useful adjustment is how information and plans are shared. You’re able to hold in mind all the things you want to do today, dive into your day, and do them all. The person you know with ADHD can do each of the tasks they’re given, but they’ll struggle (and most likely fail) if they’re relying solely on their memory to stay on track. Externalizing the information with an itemized, sequenced (“first this, then that”) list with sufficient detail (“I’m at Best Buy, but I forget what I’m here for”) is helpful. Even with seemingly simple, multistep tasks, it may require one-at-a-time instructions (“Thanks, the lawn looks great. Could you please trim the hedges next?”).

Adopt a disability mindset

It might be hard to see ADHD this way, but it’s very relevant.² ADHD can cause considerable problems, and to a degree that's significantly impairing and disabling for many, even if this does not seem to be the case for the person with ADHD in your life. The fact that ADHD is a disability is why formal accommodations are warranted and legally protected in many academic and work settings. Even in milder forms, dealing with ADHD can be difficult, depleting, and frustrating. This mindset is a reminder of what the adult with ADHD in your life is facing.

ADHD Essential Reads

Is It Me or Is It ADHD?

Adult ADHD, Stimulants, and Psychosis

It is OK to take care of yourself

Living in a household with a person with ADHD of any age can be very stressful. This means it’s important to take care of yourself and your needs.

The person in your life with ADHD will benefit from a degree of special consideration and grace from you. The frustration and other emotions you may be experiencing are valid and understandable, but please know there are treatments and other resources that can make things better—for both of you.

On behalf of the person in your life with ADHD, thank you.