Borderline Personality Disorder: The Sufferer's Experience

One way to deal with a drama queen is to see her in a different light.

Posted Mar 28, 2014


Borderline personality brings excessive emotions into relationships..
BPD brings excessive emotions into relationships.

'Borderline' is Code for 'Difficult' is the title of an article by Bruce Bower in Science News. The article reports on a major challenge faced by women, and men as well, who suffer from borderline personality disorder and the relationship struggles that syndrome tends to bring.  The article quotes Sandra Sulzer of the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill who conducted extensive interviews with psychologists and psychiatrists.  Her research clarified that the diagnosis of borderline, for all too many therapists, connotes needy, manipulative people, drama queens who do not need or benefit from treatment. "Clinicians," Sulzer said, "frequently view borderline personality disorder symptoms as signs of badness, not sickness..."

The attitude toward borderline personalilty disorder that equates borderline with difficult merits challenging.  This blogpost is the first in a series of posts that aim to offer an alternative, more empathic, view.

The seeds of this post were planted by a reader who wrote an email to me complaining of what she had interpreted in my earlier blogposts on this syndrome as a perjoritive attitude toward folks with bpd. H.O.'s apparently knowledgable perspective piqued my interest.

So I wrote back.  And H.O. responded further. 

The resulting informative dialogue about borderline personalilty disorder has influenced me greatly. I am pleased therefore to be able, having received H.O.'s permission, to share our dialogue with readers.  


Dear Dr. Heitler,

People with BPD don't want to be treated like royalty. They just want to be loved, an emotion which many never experienced. There is stong biological vulnerability and often horrific abuse which results in this devastating condition. For BPD sufferers.  dysphoria, or mental pain, is their baseline mood, which can feel unbearable. Their lives are hellish.

As a physician who has worked with borderline personality disorder patients herself, and a BPD sufferer personally, I really appreciate your interest. 

As a borderline personality disorder sufferer myself I want you to know that we are not manipulative. We are desperate.

We don't know how to live with others, how to have friends and get our needs met the normal way. We simply are ignorant in this respect.  

If you read Freud's classic works he points out that intense feelings bring about "abaissement de niveau mentale" which means it clouds judgement to the point of insanity. Our uncontrollable and horrible emotions deprive us of ability to think and control our behaviour. Our behaviours are not meant to harm, at least not mine.  Rather they are an expression of desperation.

We do not manipulate by cutting ourselves. We cut because pain of being borderline is so intense and so unbearable that the little kick of endogenous endorphins in reaction to acute physical pain is the only thing that brings relief from this horrific mental pain. How bad would you have to feel to want to kill yourself? We feel like it most of the time.

(c) dobled/fotosearch
Source: (c) dobled/fotosearch

Please understand. Having a borderline personality disorder means suffering which I can only compare to terminal cancer.

If you saw a cancer patient howling with pain you would have compassion. The world does not have compassion toward us, even though we howl with pain, because our effort to escape unbearable pain cause behaviours which antagonize people.

Please believe me, if our pain went away we would not do any of the 'bad' things that the world finds inappropriate or harmful. We commit suicide because our pain is sometimes simply impossible to bear.

Please believe me, the depression and dysphoria of BPD is the most horrible feeling. Sometimes I prefer I had cancer instead. At least then the whole world would not blame me for desperate efforts to blunt the pain brought about by my biological vulnerability and abuse I suffered as a child.

Pain is the core and the essence of borderline personality disorder.

BPD behaviours are nothing but inefficient ways to escape the pain. It is a vicious circle because these behaviours bring even more pain.

Pain distorts reality and results in what traditionally was called "borderline" psychosis. Our perception of reality is so distorted by intense emotion that we do not think straight. Only after recovery do we realize how we were wrong and how our perceptions were distorted by the illness.

When symptomatic, a Borderline is in living hell, surrounded by perceived universal hostility.

I wish you all the best in your efforts to help alleviate this horrible condition and damage it brings both to the sufferers and those who have to deal with them.

 With regards,

H. O.


Response from Dr. Heitler

Thank you so much H.O. for this description of your experience as someone who suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder.  What you describe fits very much with newer theories that bpd is at core a function of amgydala hyper-reactivity. 

The amygdala is the part of the brain that tells us when there is a danger ahead.  A hyper-reactive amygdala sees danger where there is none and reads small dangers as catastrophic. 

These overly intense emotional reactions cause the thinking parts of the brain to turn off and the ability to take in new non-confirmatory information to drop down to near zero, both of which add to the difficulties of self-soothing.

More on this disorder and potential helpful treatments to follow...

dr h



Dr. Heitler's articles on this blog on the subject of borderline personality disorder include:

Gender Bias in Diagnosing Anger: Batterer or Borderline

BPD: The Sufferer's Experience

Are BPD Drama Queens Manipulative and Sadistic?

When Your Mother Has a Borderline Personality (Part I)

More Info the Adult Children of Borderline Mothers (Part II)

Verbal Abuse of Children: What Can You Do About It?

Help For Little Girls Who Do Too Much Anger

From Cute Little Girl to Borderline Personality

Borderline Personality: Does a BPD Diagnosis Necessitate Raging?

New Treatments for Borderline Personality Disorder and Other Anger Syndromes

Evil Genes: An Unconventional Perspective on BPD


(c) Susan Heitler
Source: (c) Susan Heitler
Source: (c) Susan Heitler

Denver clinical psychologist Susan Heitler, Ph.D, a graduate of Harvard and NYU, is author of Power of Two, a book,workbook, and website that teach the communication skills that save and sustain positive relationships.  These skills become especially important for couples where one or both partners have borderline tendencies.

Dr. Heitler's latest book, Prescriptions Without Pills: For Relief from Depression, Anger, Anxiety and More, offers self-treatment methods for alleviating emotional distress, and particularly for managing tendencies toward excessive anger.

Be sure to read the following responses to this post by our bloggers: