How Contempt Destroys Relationships

Source: (c) gemphotography/fotosearch

Contempt may be hard to define, yet l bet you know it when you feel it. Pay attention! Contempt is a prime sign of relationship or marriage problems ahead. Renowned marriage researcher John Gottman lists it as one of his top indicators that a relationship will fail.

What are some signs that contempt is underlying the negative tone in a conversation? Eye-rolling suggests contempt. An upper lip raised on one side suggests contempt, as does a sarcastic tone of voice.

If you have these habits, or if you have been on the receiving end of them, beware. They signal that someone is not listening to you, or listening only to deprecate you—or that you making these mistakes with your partner.

Empathy and contempt are polar opposites. Empathy involves caring about others feelings and concerns. Contempt is arrogant disregard, dismissal, and denigration of others' concerns ("I know best"). Empathy nurtures relationship bonds; contempt invites relationship and marriage problems.

How do parents teach their children empathy or contempt?

What parents do toward each other and toward their children teaches kids to do the same. Some kids—and adults—are clever, however. Even if their parents display empathy, they discover contempt on their own, or learn it from peers.

In what ways does contempt convey a perfect storm of relationship spoilers?

How does contempt insidiously or explicitly poison relationships—and especially long-term relationships like marriage and parenting?

1. Insufficient loving.

The more expression of contempt, the less likely that you are caring for and about each other.

Empathy, by contrast, creates the opposite impacts. The more that listening, caring and love pervade the relationship between spouses and toward children, the more that everyone in a family feels both loving and loved.

2. Powering over.

Talking with a contemptuous tone of voice or dismissing information from the other says, "I matter. You don't." That's a power play. If I know better than you do, I’m setting myself above you.

3. Toxicity dumping.

Contempt dumps toxicity into a relationship. As Eric Berne once wrote, relationships that convey “I’m okay; you’re okay” feel safe. On the other hand, “I’m okay; you’re not okay” feels unsafe.

We all want to feel positive about ourselves. Negative messages of "You’re not okay" that contempt responses convey are, in this sense, toxic. They poison the receiver's self-concept like mercury poisons a pool of water.

Tone alone can convey the contemptuous "You're not okay" message. Hurtful words of course can make the poison all the more strong. Yet even if the words are fine, when the tone sounds contemptuous, the tone will prevail.

4. Contempt signifies rejection.

Rejection of what has just been said is one thing. At the same time, contempt tends to convey rejection of the other person as a whole in addition to rejection of what they just said.

A baby who tastes rotten food immediately wrinkles his nose, curls his lips in an expression of disgust, and spits it out. When someone speaks to you with a tone of contempt, you are likely to feel spit out from that person’s world. “Get out of my life” is the subconscious message embedded in a contemptuous tone of voice or attitude.

If you are the person who felt contempt or disgust, you are likely to choose to leave the relationship, to spit it out from your life space. If you feel you have been treated in this manner, you also are likely to exit the relationship. That’s because most people react to being treated contemptuously with the thought, “If you don’t want me, then I don’t want you!”

5. Contempt signifies breaks in the flow.

A relationship connection is expressed and reinforced via information-sharing—that is, by talking and listening. When you say something to me and I respond in a way that indicates that I have heard and accepted your information, we both will feel connected. In a good conversation, two people take turns offering and accepting information, braiding their connection all the while.

Relationships Essential Reads

When Problems Paradoxically Hold a Couple Together

Why You Can't Help Sharing the Things You Love

If, by contrast, you dismiss what I say, brushing my input aside as if it were unimportant or incorrect, the break in the flow of information between us severs our connection. Contemptuous spitting out or dismissing of what the other person has said causes a break in the flow of information, much like a broken pipe causes a break in the flow of a liquid. At the same time, it shatters the attachment bond.

6. Contempt invites feelings of hopelessness.

Psychologist Martin Seligman clarified that when people feel depressed or hopeless, they tend to regard their negative attributes as permanent and pervasive—i.e., as something that will always be there and cannot be changed. Contempt conveys the sense that you have a quality that is hopelessly un-fixable.

What is the alternative to contempt?

Listening to understand, to learn, to agree, and to enjoy the other's comments are the opposite of listening with contempt.

Another alternative to contempt in relationships is positivity. Positive people enhance their relationships via positive communications such as appreciation, gratitude, affection, agreement, interest, and smiles.

Want to enjoy positive work relationships, healthy relationships with your children, and a long-loving marriage? Dump the contempt. Listen well. And pump up the positivity!

(c) Susan Heitler, Ph.D.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

To read more of Dr. Heitler's writing, see her website at TherapyHelp.com.

Mental health professionals who would like to learn the essential concepts and techniques of couples therapy, please check out Dr. Heitler's new APA-accredited online course, EffectiveCouplesTherapy.com.

To learn more about effective versus problematic listening styles, do check out her book and workbook called The Power of Two.