Resisting the 3 Main Temptations that Destroy Marriages

Vaccinate your relationships. Build your immunities to these causes of divorce.

Posted Oct 23, 2011

Source: (c) thisboy www.fotosearch.com Beware of anger, addictions and affairs!

A marriage is a living family system. LIke all living things, a marriage can get infected with toxic agents that result in its death. Immunities provide a means to combat potential infectious agents. This article is about building your immunity to the three most common causes of marrage failure. I call these potentially fatal--to-your-marriage phenomena the 3 A's: addictions, affairs, and anger.

Beware. The 3-A's can be toxic not only to marriage but also to parent-child relationships, friendships, work relationships and all couple partnerships. So while I focus in this article on marriage, the same need for immunity from these toxins applies to all your relationships.

Almost all folks from time to time get impulses to do things that their head would say are out of bounds. Drinking a bit too much, getting a bit too friendly with someone of the other sex when your love has already been committed elsewhere, and speaking harshly when a cooperative voice would have been preferable are mistakes. Mistakes are for learning.

Mistakes like these create feelings of guilt and regret Those are the signs that it's time for figuring out what went wrong, a totally genuine apology, and learning. The learning is the basis for building an immunity. A small does of a toxic phenomenon can strengthen your immune system's ability to resist the sexual-drinking-anger impulses that might otherwise grow increasingly toxic until they get you in trouble.

A full apology like I describe in my PT post on effective apologies concludes with what you have learned that will enable you to prevent a repeat incident. Learning from mistakes in this way enables your painful mistake to serve as a vaccination against future similar mishaps.

A vaccinated relationship is likely to grow ever stronger and more loving over time. By contrast, repeatedly making the same mistakes instead of using small incidents as a vaccination against larger problems can lead to one of the3 A's.

Fortunately, you can get this vaccination without even making the mistakes. Simply being aware ahead of time of the dangers and necessary prevention measures can vaccinate without your having to suffer first from these toxic marital mistakes.

Costs of the three main marriage deal-breakers: Alcoholism, Affairs and Anger.

The 3 A mistakes can get you fired from the job of spouse. Alcoholism, affairs and anger, in addition to wrecking your marriage, can have profoundly negative impacts on your children. Modeling addictions, affairs and anger teaches your kids that this is what adults do. At the same time, addictive, sexually unfaithful and excessively angry behaviors teach your kids that attachments are unreliable and unsafe, making your kids less able to establish secure positive relationships as they reach adulthood.

Potential remedies that can strengthen your resistance, keeping your relationships healthy.

1. Addictions. If your usage of a substance like alcohol or drugs, or habit like excessive shopping or sports-watching, ever prompted someone you love to say to you, "Too much," listen up. The biggest mistake people make with addictions, alcohol and otherwise, is that they deny that they are over-doing it. They get defensive. They insist "I"m only drinking so much because ..." They claim, "You do it too.." or "Everyone drinks like that.." They minimize, "I just drink...."

Denial is tempting, and extremely self-defeating. Resist this temptation, and you have a chance at averting the potentially marriage-threatening consequences of an addiction that you persist in sustaining.

The remedy: Take your loved one's concern seriously. Seriously reassess your habit.

Ask yourself, "If I look at my drinking in the best possible light, what is it meant to accomplish?"

If the answer is that drinking enables you to escape from stresses in your life, it's time to face those stresses head on. Addictions usually are an alternative to addressing and resolving problems, marital and otherwise. Replace running away with talking about your problems with someone you trust.

If the stresses are from marriage problems, learn the skills for talking problems through constructively, without arguing and with positive outcomes. As I write in another of my blogposts about how seemingly effortlessly skillful couples talk over tough issues, smooth communication flow takes high level skills. You can learn these on your own with books or an online course or by finding good couples counseling. My PsychologyToday.com article on couples counseling explains what couple therapists do.

Continuing to do activities that are clearly self-injurious may indicate also that your psychological system is locked in what therapists called "psychological reversal." Treatment of reversal is a new frontier in the therapy world.

2. Affairs. To resist the temptations of a sexual involvement with someone other than your beloved, beware of letting yourself enjoy the early titillation phase of getting to know someone new.

A minor sexual flirtation outside of your marriage or other monogamous relationship can feel good. The problem is that sexuality is a slippery slope phenomenon. Initially the activity seems neither too slippery nor sloped....until one more step, and the swoosh...you're hooked.

The remedy. Plan ahead with your spouse your will-do's and won't do's by agreeing on prevention policies. Take early exits from potentially sexual situations. See my posting on the importance of recognizing and planning for the potency of new sexual connections.

Sexual arousal is addictive. Extrication from temptation becomes increasingly difficulty the longer you stay in a sexually energized interaction. Plan ahead how you will keep your distance from situations in which the magnetism could prove to be stronger even than your potent desire to protect your marriage. That plan, plus an agreement that you and your loved ones will talk openly about any temptations that do arise so you can confront them as a unified team, is your vaccination.

In addition, see my posting on how to keep your marriage strong and loving so you stay totally clear that the temptation of a sexually exciting situation is not worth the risk of what you could lose.

3. Anger, from quiet sarcasm to verbal or physical abuse.

Everyone feels angry in provocative situations. The question is how then to prevent angry feelings from erupting in counter-productive snide comments or hurtful actions. The temptation to speak out in anger can lead to an ever-worsening situation. Even low-level angry tone of voice, words and actions are bound to create trouble.

Sarcasm, for instance, is the best predictor of a spouse who will end up divorced. (Credits for this research go to psychologist John Gottman). Subtle sarcasm can sabotage a marriage quietly. High intensity anger with verbal or physical abuse more dramatically brings to an end either the marriage or the happiness of your spouse. Being married to a tyrant who tries to control you with anger is no fun.

Which brings up another aspect of excessive anger which is especially important to note. Beware of anger when the goal is to force someone to do what you want. That's anger in the service of controlling others. Others are for understanding, appreciating and respecting, not for controlling.

The remedy. Learn about anger, and how to corral its arousal into constructive outlets. Take an anger management course. Find a therapist who can do Bradley Nelson's emotion code techniques to decrease your tendency to anger arousal. (cont. on next page)

In my PowerOfTwo program we teach that Anger is a stop sign. At a stop sign, you pause to look about, define the problem, and figure out a safe way to proceed. You wouldn't pick up the stop sign and batter people with it. So instead of battering people when you're mad, calm down, figure out what you want, and find a more effective, less-damaging, non-angry way to get it.

The madder you let yourself get before you stop interacting, the more your anger is likely to surge making the drive to anger orgasm increasingly difficult to resist. Early exits from potentially upsetting situations therefore are essential. Leave the room. Don't stay and explode.

The good news: All three of the big A's are problems that can be prevented beforehand. Just be sure that you pay attention to your little voices when they whisper to you, "Danger. Wrong way. Turn back!"

-------------------------------------

Harvard graduate, marriage counselor and clinical psychologist Susan Heitler, Ph.D. is author of The Power of Two, The Power of Two Workbook and the interactive website PowerOfTwoMarriage.com, which teach the skills for couple success.

In Dr. Heitler's latest book, Prescriptions Without Pills: For Relief from Depression, Anger, Anxiety and More, addictions is one of the "more" topics. See the free website with handouts and videos on anger, addictions and more at prescriptionswithoutpills.com.

Source: (c) Susan Heitler, PhD

THE OTHER 'A'

Submitted by Mary on October 24, 2011 - 1:09pm

APATHY.

That presents a more insidious danger to marriage than the other three ills combined, over the long haul.

Yay for the 3 A's

Submitted by Anonymous on October 24, 2011 - 4:31pm

I'm a therapist in private practice. There's NO QUESTION that these are the big three. Hope this inspires folks to pay attention to little signs that any of these big three's might be becoming habits and get some help. Countless perfectly good with the potential to be great marriages could be saved this way.

Agreement

Submitted by Susan Heitler Ph.D. on October 24, 2011 - 6:03pm

To Mary, I totally agree that apathy is another huge danger sign for a marriage. If spouses don't care about each other or their relationship, sooner or later one of them is likely to split. Meanwhile, how sad to miss out on the chance to enjoy life together. Apathy is a good symptom to address with the magic question "If I looke at this symptom in the best possible light, what is it meant to accomplish?"

And to the anonymous therapist, I totally agree about early detection of the big 3 A's being a way to save many many good folks with potentially very good marriages from the trauma of divorce...not to mention saving their children from having to suffer the consequences.

the 3a's

Submitted by Angel on October 27, 2011 - 3:56pm

You give really helpful advice Mary, however, since we don't live in a cultural vacuum, how these issues are percieved,because of the dominant cultural values drives the bus , so to speak. For instance, i went to couples therapy to deal with a so-called anger problem. No, there wasn't any physical abuse. Once there, it became very clear that, even though my partner had anger issues, she could out of nowhere become insanely jealous,and otherwise played lot's of passive aggressive "games", her anger was never discussed in therapy. It seemed clear to me that culture played a big role in who was considered more likely to get angry and in how that anger impacted the relationship. She was white and a professional and i am a person of color. In our culture and it seems, especially in therapy, we ignore the anger of women and it's effects on the people in their world,bring to the table. It is surprising to me that, even though we know that women are violent and abusive ( and not above using sex to get their way)( read Lori Girshcik's book, Woman-to-Woman Violence), that the world of therapy hasn't been more adamant about reforming our attitudes about these issues. I for one would never go a white female therapist again. After 7 hours and a lot of money , i fired her and left the relationship. To my knowledge , the therapist, never realized what she had done even though i was clear and adamant about her process and it's bias Could you comment please?

getting treatment in therapy for women's anger problems

Submitted by Susan Heitler Ph.D. on October 27, 2011 - 8:31pm

To Angel,

I agree that my therapy co-professionals too often do not label anger, and especially women's anger, as pathological. Did you know that our diagnostic manual, the DSM, does not even list anger as a diagnosable problem?!

In this regard, my hunch is that it was not so much that your therapist was white or female as that, as you correctly point out, there's a larger cultural problem here of under-diagnosis of women's anger that you tripped into.

I hope you'll consider taking a look at the section on anger, which we call "emotional self-regulation" on the http://poweroftwomarriage.com website. Also the section on guidelines for talking.

Too many couples therapists let too much poor and hurtful communication patterns slip by without adequate feedback.

At the same time, I'm concerned about you Angel. Be sure that you don't let others' mistakes block you from getting help with upgrading your own partnership skills. The clearer you are about what healthy interactions look like, the more effectively you will pick a partner who together with you can build a strong and loving relationship.

thanks for your words

Submitted by Angel on October 28, 2011 - 4:13pm

Thank you for your response Dr., it was as professional as it was authentic and sweet; which is no easy feat! The problem,with my therapist approach, which is associative to her race, was her inexperience in understanding the subleties and nuances of my life experiences as a man of color,so that she could of used the knowledge effectively in building a case study. I believe the psychological community does a poor job of training its practitioners in the realities of cultural competency. It seems to me that there is an assumption that such skills are not needed.From my understanding, of psychotherapy, Urui Bronfenfrenner's ecological model would have appropriate to use in my circumstance. It is not wise to trust or believe in a system that so little regard for who i am. It is inexcusable that the world of therapy, considering it's aggressive support of issues surrounding violence against women, refuses to deal with honestly and with integrity, women's anger and its impact on society. It is somewhat difficult to feel empathy for any group of people,in this case women, who shout and scream at the top of their lungs about what happens top them ,but, then refuse to own their stuff! Women have traditionaly used this issue to hurt men in despicable ways and cover themselves in a cloak of deception.I have for all my life had to hear about how horrible and violent i am as a man of color, with white middle class women lead the charge ( and black women too). Yet, when confronted with the results of their own excess they want empathy they don't give. Why should any man trust such a system? on relationships; now that i know more about how women really are it is easy to know what i want and how to find it.However, since so many women in the bay area, are so unaware of any of what we are discussing the numbers of eligible women from which to choose are relatively small. But thats ok, i feel better knowing the real deal.

To Angel

Submitted by Hazel on October 29, 2011 - 2:16am

Hi Angel, I'm a therapist in private practice and I want to tell you that not all therapists are culturally incompetent. Graduate programs have paid increasing attention to cultural issues in assessment and therapy, but we still have a long way to go as a profession. I specialize in working with individuals, couples, and families from non-majority groups and I believe the best way a therapist can be helpful to their non-majority clients is to examine their own cultural identity and biases/prejudiced attitudes. Let's face it, we all have them, whether we want to admit it or not. It's also ok to admit that we, as therapists, don't know everything. I am not afraid to ask my clients about any cultural gaffes I may have committed or if something they say (or don't say) or do (or don't do) is because of a cultural difference. Being a female therapist of colour, I know exactly what my clients go through when they tell me about certain experiences growing up with discrimination, racist, etc., which may help them open up to me more quickly than a White therapist. Then again, it may not. It could be because I take the time to ask questions about these experiences that have a lasting impact on the clients I work with. I hope that you will give therapy another try, this time with a professional who is skilled at working with people from non-majority groups.

To Angel

Submitted by Hazel on October 29, 2011 - 2:16am

cultural compentence in threapy

Submitted by Anonymous on October 31, 2011 - 3:17pm

Hello Hazel, i'm sure your correct in your assertion that not all therapist are culturally incompetent as well as your assertion that we all have our biases. However, i cannot allow that in the professional context of therapy, that it should be excused, There must be a higher standard than that for the professional community. As a student of psychology and sociology i am dismayed at what i've learned so far: Bias of all types; sexism against men and women, though, looking at therapy, you wouldn't know men suffer from sexism from women OR CULTURE AT LARGE ;educational bias;cultural bias;religious bias; etc.,are all represented. In early childhood development, we are just now beginning to study the impact of fathers on the child's sense of self.On anger issues, for a man of color like myself, it is almost impossible to discuss the anger and violence of black women or white women and it's impact on her community. Or when it is discussed it only to get him to take all of the responsibility. That the world of therapy hasn't done a better of correcting our cultures misguided view of domestic violence, rape and abuse to include the new (?) information about how these issues affect all communities ( the entire LGBT)are not just male problems, i can't see myself having much faith or trust in the dsicipline.

The system, as well as training programs, are flawed

Submitted by Hazel on November 6, 2011 - 1:55am

Hello Angel,

You raise excellent points and I wholeheartedly agree with you about not accepting nor excusing poor quality care. I can only speak about the Canadian context as this is where I am from and where I received my graduate training. Currently, many graduate programs (even the accredited ones) only offer one multicultural counselling course, which means that if a student chooses to pursue a PhD, s/he will only have four months of coursework on this important topic. Four months out of 7-8 years (which is how long it takes to complete a doctorate these days) is negligible. When these students are working at their practicum or internship sites, it is not a guarantee that their clinical supervisors are culturally competent therapists (many are not, based on my experiences).

Researchers are not as up-to-date as they would like to think. The role of fathers in early childhood development, as you pointed out, has only recently become a topic worthy of research. Another interesting topic that is only beginning to receive some attention is singlism (the discrimination and stereotyping of single people). It is something I have pointed out since my undergraduate days and was met with ridicule and contempt. This was over ten years ago. Never mind the fact that I knew this topic would eventually catch some researchers' interest and attention when I was in junior high.

My main reason for pursuing a career in psychology was because I knew the care people from non-majority populations receive is not as good as it can be. I felt that I could do a much better job treating members from non-dominant groups. I am only one person, but I am committed to helping individuals from under-served groups (and not just 'coloured' people).

You might be interested in knowing (or not) that I am a woman of colour who possesses a PhD. When I introduce myself as Doctor, many White people immediately either become defensive or start questioning my credentials. I am not sure if this is because I am young (I'm in my early 30s) or because I'm in private practice (an unusual career choice for someone my age); however, when my White grad school colleagues introduce themselves as Doctor, nobody gives them the third degree. Just saying.

cultural competence in mental health

Submitted by Anonymous on November 7, 2011 - 5:09pm

Hello Hazel, how are you? Well, i hear your words as if they are mine. And i can tell you, the more i find out about these specific fundamental weaknesses in the field of discipline ( Psychology )i realize it is no different than the rest of society in it's inability to constructively manage and deal with ingrained racial and cultural biases. For a field in which credibility is essential to developing the trust of clients, that this isn't taken more seriously is noteworthy. It also interesting that the status quo worldview in Psychology is hierarchical and is based on who is perceived as more important in society. Hence, in the seventies and eighties, when the mental health field embraced feminism's principals as apart of it's mission statement,it didn't as advertised create a more egalitarian field; it made it worse and more exclusive. I tip my hat to you, it must be difficult.

Well, then this just

Submitted by Anonymous on January 26, 2012 - 4:38pm

Well, then this just reassures me that I did the right thing. There was affairs, verbal abuse, mental abuse and anger, I could not deal with it anymore so I had to get out.

Agreed

Submitted by Susan Heitler Ph.D. on January 26, 2012 - 4:58pm

Marriage should enhance your life, not be destructive.
drh

A reminder for us all

Submitted by Ashley Kreze, MA on November 1, 2013 - 1:33pm

Great article on the importance of how to keep a positive, healthy relationship. Thanks for posting!

You are so welcome...

Submitted by Susan Heitler Ph.D. on November 1, 2013 - 5:12pm

I'm glad to hear that you liked the post. It's always helpful for me to hear that a post has been well-received....
thx,
drh

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The 3 A's

Submitted by Cassie on February 20, 2018 - 8:11pm

Finally I've found someone addressing this issue! Bless you, lol I have been with my present partner for over 30 yrs. We used to go out a lot in our younger years. Drinking, parties, night clubs, had a huge social network. My partner comes from a family that drinks a lot. Mine were very controlled social drinkers. Over the years I have tragically lost basically my whole family (and I was a twin) and my 3 closest friends. I just stopped drinking, didn't judge others, it held no appeal at all anymore, even just a glass of wine. My partner kept drinking but things started changing. He would get grumpy and over react to situations, when he drank but never directed at me before. He didn't care what he said, 'at the time', and he has said some terrible things to me! I felt it was because I totally withdrew into myself from grief and he acted like that to get a response from me. As I healed he stopped but you never forget even if they do. A lot of the time he would not remember a thing the next day, which for some reason made it even worse to me. Once the year before last and once last summer I suspected he has been unfaithful, which he has denied. I did tell him at the time I would be gone if he had been unfaithful and I almost did leave. But it's driving me nuts! I've shot myself in the foot because now he is to scared to tell me. He's stopped going out partying, doesn't overdrink anymore and is trying so hard. The evidence is pretty damning and believe me, I was a bloodhound and I suspect both times it was with the same woman. I did some foolish things when I was drinking, but never that. I told him over and over again, right from the start, "if you meet someone you want, leave. I would do the same. Never degrade your partner, out of respect". I'm stuck and can't get past this, what ever it was. Being drunk is no excuse. Do I really push him to fess up or drop it because now he is trying so hard. I just suspect something happened but my gut instinct tells me I'm right. I'm so confused with no family or good friends to talk to. I would have to leave him if I'm right. The really sad part is that I would have no where to go but I couldn't stay with him. Any advice would be so welcome!

Many spouses make mistakes.

Submitted by Susan Heitler Ph.D. on February 20, 2018 - 8:17pm

Mistakes are for learning, not for leaving.

Treasure your partner, and do your part to make the marriage a loving one.

If he made a mistake, let it be between him and his conscience.

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About the Author

Susan Heitler, Ph.D., is the author of many books, including From Conflict to Resolution and The Power of Two. She is a graduate of Harvard University and New York University.

Online:

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Resisting the 3 Main Temptations that Destroy Marriages

Vaccinate your relationships. Build your immunities to these causes of divorce.

THE BASICS

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