Resisting the 3 Main Temptations that Destroy Marriages

APATHY.

That presents a more insidious danger to marriage than the other three ills combined, over the long haul.

I'm a therapist in private practice. There's NO QUESTION that these are the big three. Hope this inspires folks to pay attention to little signs that any of these big three's might be becoming habits and get some help. Countless perfectly good with the potential to be great marriages could be saved this way.

You give really helpful advice Mary, however, since we don't live in a cultural vacuum, how these issues are percieved,because of the dominant cultural values drives the bus , so to speak. For instance, i went to couples therapy to deal with a so-called anger problem. No, there wasn't any physical abuse. Once there, it became very clear that, even though my partner had anger issues, she could out of nowhere become insanely jealous,and otherwise played lot's of passive aggressive "games", her anger was never discussed in therapy. It seemed clear to me that culture played a big role in who was considered more likely to get angry and in how that anger impacted the relationship. She was white and a professional and i am a person of color. In our culture and it seems, especially in therapy, we ignore the anger of women and it's effects on the people in their world,bring to the table. It is surprising to me that, even though we know that women are violent and abusive ( and not above using sex to get their way)( read Lori Girshcik's book, Woman-to-Woman Violence), that the world of therapy hasn't been more adamant about reforming our attitudes about these issues. I for one would never go a white female therapist again. After 7 hours and a lot of money , i fired her and left the relationship. To my knowledge , the therapist, never realized what she had done even though i was clear and adamant about her process and it's bias Could you comment please?

Thank you for your response Dr., it was as professional as it was authentic and sweet; which is no easy feat! The problem,with my therapist approach, which is associative to her race, was her inexperience in understanding the subleties and nuances of my life experiences as a man of color,so that she could of used the knowledge effectively in building a case study. I believe the psychological community does a poor job of training its practitioners in the realities of cultural competency. It seems to me that there is an assumption that such skills are not needed.From my understanding, of psychotherapy, Urui Bronfenfrenner's ecological model would have appropriate to use in my circumstance. It is not wise to trust or believe in a system that so little regard for who i am. It is inexcusable that the world of therapy, considering it's aggressive support of issues surrounding violence against women, refuses to deal with honestly and with integrity, women's anger and its impact on society. It is somewhat difficult to feel empathy for any group of people,in this case women, who shout and scream at the top of their lungs about what happens top them ,but, then refuse to own their stuff! Women have traditionaly used this issue to hurt men in despicable ways and cover themselves in a cloak of deception.I have for all my life had to hear about how horrible and violent i am as a man of color, with white middle class women lead the charge ( and black women too). Yet, when confronted with the results of their own excess they want empathy they don't give. Why should any man trust such a system? on relationships; now that i know more about how women really are it is easy to know what i want and how to find it.However, since so many women in the bay area, are so unaware of any of what we are discussing the numbers of eligible women from which to choose are relatively small. But thats ok, i feel better knowing the real deal.

Hi Angel, I'm a therapist in private practice and I want to tell you that not all therapists are culturally incompetent. Graduate programs have paid increasing attention to cultural issues in assessment and therapy, but we still have a long way to go as a profession. I specialize in working with individuals, couples, and families from non-majority groups and I believe the best way a therapist can be helpful to their non-majority clients is to examine their own cultural identity and biases/prejudiced attitudes. Let's face it, we all have them, whether we want to admit it or not. It's also ok to admit that we, as therapists, don't know everything. I am not afraid to ask my clients about any cultural gaffes I may have committed or if something they say (or don't say) or do (or don't do) is because of a cultural difference. Being a female therapist of colour, I know exactly what my clients go through when they tell me about certain experiences growing up with discrimination, racist, etc., which may help them open up to me more quickly than a White therapist. Then again, it may not. It could be because I take the time to ask questions about these experiences that have a lasting impact on the clients I work with. I hope that you will give therapy another try, this time with a professional who is skilled at working with people from non-majority groups.

Hello Hazel, i'm sure your correct in your assertion that not all therapist are culturally incompetent as well as your assertion that we all have our biases. However, i cannot allow that in the professional context of therapy, that it should be excused, There must be a higher standard than that for the professional community. As a student of psychology and sociology i am dismayed at what i've learned so far: Bias of all types; sexism against men and women, though, looking at therapy, you wouldn't know men suffer from sexism from women OR CULTURE AT LARGE ;educational bias;cultural bias;religious bias; etc.,are all represented. In early childhood development, we are just now beginning to study the impact of fathers on the child's sense of self.On anger issues, for a man of color like myself, it is almost impossible to discuss the anger and violence of black women or white women and it's impact on her community. Or when it is discussed it only to get him to take all of the responsibility. That the world of therapy hasn't done a better of correcting our cultures misguided view of domestic violence, rape and abuse to include the new (?) information about how these issues affect all communities ( the entire LGBT)are not just male problems, i can't see myself having much faith or trust in the dsicipline.

Hello Hazel, how are you? Well, i hear your words as if they are mine. And i can tell you, the more i find out about these specific fundamental weaknesses in the field of discipline ( Psychology )i realize it is no different than the rest of society in it's inability to constructively manage and deal with ingrained racial and cultural biases. For a field in which credibility is essential to developing the trust of clients, that this isn't taken more seriously is noteworthy. It also interesting that the status quo worldview in Psychology is hierarchical and is based on who is perceived as more important in society. Hence, in the seventies and eighties, when the mental health field embraced feminism's principals as apart of it's mission statement,it didn't as advertised create a more egalitarian field; it made it worse and more exclusive. I tip my hat to you, it must be difficult.

Well, then this just reassures me that I did the right thing. There was affairs, verbal abuse, mental abuse and anger, I could not deal with it anymore so I had to get out.

Great article on the importance of how to keep a positive, healthy relationship. Thanks for posting!

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Finally I've found someone addressing this issue! Bless you, lol I have been with my present partner for over 30 yrs. We used to go out a lot in our younger years. Drinking, parties, night clubs, had a huge social network. My partner comes from a family that drinks a lot. Mine were very controlled social drinkers. Over the years I have tragically lost basically my whole family (and I was a twin) and my 3 closest friends. I just stopped drinking, didn't judge others, it held no appeal at all anymore, even just a glass of wine. My partner kept drinking but things started changing. He would get grumpy and over react to situations, when he drank but never directed at me before. He didn't care what he said, 'at the time', and he has said some terrible things to me! I felt it was because I totally withdrew into myself from grief and he acted like that to get a response from me. As I healed he stopped but you never forget even if they do. A lot of the time he would not remember a thing the next day, which for some reason made it even worse to me. Once the year before last and once last summer I suspected he has been unfaithful, which he has denied. I did tell him at the time I would be gone if he had been unfaithful and I almost did leave. But it's driving me nuts! I've shot myself in the foot because now he is to scared to tell me. He's stopped going out partying, doesn't overdrink anymore and is trying so hard. The evidence is pretty damning and believe me, I was a bloodhound and I suspect both times it was with the same woman. I did some foolish things when I was drinking, but never that. I told him over and over again, right from the start, "if you meet someone you want, leave. I would do the same. Never degrade your partner, out of respect". I'm stuck and can't get past this, what ever it was. Being drunk is no excuse. Do I really push him to fess up or drop it because now he is trying so hard. I just suspect something happened but my gut instinct tells me I'm right. I'm so confused with no family or good friends to talk to. I would have to leave him if I'm right. The really sad part is that I would have no where to go but I couldn't stay with him. Any advice would be so welcome!