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Key points
- In the earliest days of grief, there are no rules.
- Now is not the time to be a people pleaser, do what you need.
- Going back to bed, lying on the floor, distracting yourself with frantic busyness are all okay in these early days.
In my line of work, I typically receive copious emails seeking advice on how to get through the first few days of bereavement. Understandably, people feel overwhelmed, broken, desperate. Very often, the requests come from family and friends who have either seen my TED talk, read my book, or heard about our Coping With Loss community, and in the face of such helplessness are reaching out for advice from someone who’s been there.
As I recently typed out an email response to a friend of a poor woman who had lost a husband at sea, it occurred to me that it’s possible to distill the best advice into one single point: there are no rules, do what you need.
If you’re newly bereaved and reading this, I implore you to put yourself first. You’ll likely be slammed with a maelstrom of emotions and both physically and emotionally exhausted. Now is not the time to be a people pleaser, the only thing that matters is that you look after yourself.
Do what you need, what works for you.
Don’t let anyone tell you what you should do, where you ought to be. Forget about social norms and your in-laws' expectations. Grief is an endurance event; you’ll have time for thank you letters later. Right now, your only job is to somehow survive.
Do whatever it takes to get you through these awful first few days and weeks. If you need to curl up on the couch, lie on the floor wailing, go back to bed, or distract yourself with frantic busyness, that’s okay. It's okay to drop the super-human facade, to let your world crumble.
If you’re craving solitude or needing space, be brave enough to shut your door and stick a Do Not Disturb sign on it. One of our clients even told me they resorted to padlocking the front gate to keep (well-meaning) visitors out. Well done you, I thought.
My advice is simple: There are no rules. Do what you need.
In these first few days, all bets are off.
