Gerry Heisler Ph.D.

Relationship Boot Camp

Can You Friend Your Way to a Serious Love Relationship?

It's miraculous to find someone you want to date who is available to date you.

Posted May 06, 2011

 I have counseled men who appear reluctant to settle down until they have
become more sexually experienced. Often, once they have satisfied this
craving, they are more likely to change. Until that wonder-lust
disappears, he can be a poor candidate to remain faithful in a serious

Hank was confused about whether to pursue Dana or not. He found himself
extremely attracted to her when they first dated and he thought she was
the "perfect" girl. When he asked her out, she told him that she had a
boyfriend 1,000 miles away, but she would like to be friends. This
dismayed him and he didn't know what to do because he felt she was so
appealing, so sexy, he didn't want to limit the relationship to "just friends". For
him if he couldn't have her "totally" the way he wanted her, he didn't want
to have much to do with her. He was afraid that if he started to see
her, he would want her too much and this would be frustrating and
self-defeating. He wondered if he would just be setting himself up for
heartache. "I'd be horny all the time."

What he failed to recognize was that when you do make friends with
another, not only are you gaining a friend but you also can be creating a
basic foundation. Realistically many relationships don't last that long.
If you are friends with someone who breaks up, you may luckily be at the
right place at the right time. You can look at yourself as being in queue;
you're next in line. You need to take a risk and see what happens.
Though you might want them to be your next love interest, don't force
yourself on them. Your time and efforts won't be wasted, and can enable
you to put yourself in an excellent position if there's a breakup. Many
lose sight of this as they attempt to seek immediate gratification. Often
a friendship formed this way can be more lasting and satisfying. Many feel
a platonic relationship that captures fire provides the most momentum for
a lasting love.

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