How to Create Consensual Non-Monogamy Relationship Agreements

Source: CastOfThousands / envato

Recently, I asked people on my mailing list about the challenges they had in CNM relationships. There was one very clear theme: multiple people wrote in saying that they wished that they had had more guidance about establishing relationship agreements early in the process of opening up.

I really appreciate each and every courageous person who took the time to share their thoughts. In the first installment, I’ll be tackling this theme; in my next few posts, I’ll discuss other topics that came up in the responses.

To quote one respondent,

I really wish I had more conversations early on about what ENM meant to each of us. There is no blueprint and feelings change fast, so I just wish our agreements had been more specific in each incarnation so everyone was on the same page.

This is so beautifully put, and so true. Once you start opening up, and other relationships start to form, everything gets more complicated, more real, and more intense! It can be really hard to anticipate what will emerge for you in the process — there really is no blueprint — which is part of why I advise people to treat their first set of relationship agreements as an intentional experiment to be carefully revisited with time.

Opening up shifts the status quo, which is by definition destabilizing. It’s expectable that it will raise big feelings, necessitate difficult conversations, and highlight some opportunities for growth in your relationship. One common strategy for minimizing the emotional complexity is to come up with a bunch of agreements that theoretically might make things feel more manageable.

The unfortunate truth is that there is no set of relationship agreements that can protect you from hurt. Not only do unexpected things arise, I firmly believe the best agreements emerge from experience. A careful and intentional process will help you learn what works for your particular set of unique individuals and circumstances. Coming to durable agreements that stand the test of time is an iterative process.

So, what does that process look like?

• Center yourself with the question: What kind of partner do I want to be in this process? How do I want to show up?
  • This is an important moment to ask yourself what your values are. What do you want to stand for? What do you want to be remembered for? How do you want to show up under stress? What do you want your before-opening-up partner to experience in this process, and why is that important to you?
  • Nobody and nothing should ever come between you and your values; certainly not a new experiment in opening up. Get in touch with your values; stay close to them and be very intentional about living them forward. This will help you manage complex situations and provide some grounding when you need to make good decisions under stress.
  • You can’t control what you partner(s) do. But the way you show up can certainly influence how they respond. More importantly, if you stay generally connected to what kind of partner and person you want to be, you’ll be able to be proud of yourself, no matter what happens.
• Go slow. Often when opening up there’s a sense of time pressure from one or all parties, but if you want durable agreements, that takes time. You’ll have to figure out how to run experiments over time and learn from them, rather than hammering out a legislative document before taking any action. As our letter-writer noted, there is no such thing as a set blueprint for agreements or relationship structures. You’ll have to make your own and figure out what works for you. This involves time, creativity, and some delayed gratification, but it will also result in something more durable.
• Create a safe environment for discussion. You likely won’t learn what’s really true for your partner if you get reactive when they tell you something. You will need to work together to create a warm and gentle environment for disclosure. Prepare yourself to do some deep self-inquiry about what’s important to you, and get curious about your partner’s fears, hopes, dreams, and desires as well. Take breaks and give one another plenty of love if the going gets tough.
• Be aware of common pitfalls:
  • Just the very language of “agreements” can be a pitfall. Instead, start thinking of this as a process of gradual and short-term experiments you run together and learn from. Craft your particular CNM situation out of what you learn works for you both. Think of this as an adventure you’re on together. Start running small experiments (very short term agreements) and tweak as you go. You’ll learn and practice a cyclic process: talk, experiment, experience, evaluate, discuss, and revise. Ultimately, you’ll find yourself living your way into something unique that actually works for you.
  • Conflict-avoidance. A common source of problems with relationship agreements is conflict-avoidance during the agreement-making process. If you can already anticipate that an agreement is going to pose a problem for you, or you can predict it will likely be problematic for your partner, you need to keep talking, listening, and asking! It can be scary to have hard conversations, but trust me, it is much easier than doing a good repair after breaking poorly-formed agreements.
  • New Relationship Energy (NRE). Going head over heels in a new relationship is a beautiful thing, but there’s an unfortunate tendency for people to act self-absorbed, pushy, and inconsiderate to their other partner(s) while they’re swept up in the excitement. I’ve got some ideas for you about how to plan for and manage NRE here.
• Come up with a very do-able experiment…and then another…and another, learning as you go. As our question-asker so accurately noted, feelings change fast. You will learn a lot about yourself and your partner as you begin to take action steps towards opening up.
  • Starting with too big a step is a big pitfall. I suggest you start from common ground; what do you both love about your relationship and want to make sure you strengthen in this process? Is there a first small step that feels 80% do-able to both of you? That’s your first experiment, and once you run it, be sure to discuss what’s emerged for you both and what you might shift to make the next experiment work even better.
  • Don’t worry if you seem to be taking a unique path. You’re crafting something that’s just right for you, and it's too soon to tell where exactly it will lead. Speaking from 30 years of experience in an open relationship, life is a winding path! Taking each step well is how you make sure each landmark is meaningful; it’s really not about predicting the outcome because change is inevitable.
• Look for the win/win. Your well-functioning open relationship will need to benefit all concerned. What experiment would help you move toward that goal?
• Enlist a therapist or coach if you feel stuck. If you need some support with your process, a skilled helper can make a big difference. I recommend looking for someone with some experience working with consensual non-monogamy.