Hunter or Gatherer?—Exploring Your Sexual Approach Style

My patients today are remarkably sophisticated about their relationship issues and are searching for any new information that could help them be more successful. They read self-help books, subscribe to all the right magazines, watch the relevant TV shows, subscribe to dating services, and seek advice from friends and counselors. They do everything they can to present the right package at the right time to the right person, yet seem more frustrated than ever in finding the elusive magical connection they so sincerely seek.

For most of them, their first decision is whether they are sexually compatible. Perhaps that is where the first miscommunications take place. It could it be that a person’s sexual approach style might eventually lose potentially good partners even if the initial passionate connections seems more than adequate. This would be particularly likely if those first lustful encounters are masking potential incompatibilities that one or both partners did not want to explore too early in the relationship.

I decided to explore this with a number of my relationship seeking patients by asking the following questions:

What is your typical sexual style approach with a new partner?

Do you change your sexual approach with different partners or under different circumstances?

Do you refrain from telling your new partners early on what other dimensions you might want in your relationship if it continues?

Are you satisfied with the partners you are attracting and how your relationships turn out?

Not only were my patients interested in helping me find the answers, they were eager to re-think their sexual approach styles, and wondered if they were working, or if they should change them. They were also eager to know how others answered the questions and if they had similar responses.

From the information I’ve gathered, I’ve seen an interesting sexual approach continuum emerge. On one end are self-proclaimed sexual hunters who best love the excitement if the chase. On the other are the gatherers, those who seek deeper long-term connections as extensions of the initial lustful encounter. Most people do not see themselves as purely on one end or the other, but the extremes help them better understand which they feel closest to and how they might be seen by others.

As would be expected, younger partners are not as likely to link their initial lustful contacts with what they might need later. They aren’t as clear yet about what those other dimensions might be. As people mature, they are more likely to know what they are looking for as the relationship progresses.

Whatever stage of life my patients were in, they were able to identify their sexual style approaches relatively clearly, using the simple tests below. They are also able to identify where they learned those approaches, and whether they were currently getting what they wanted from them. Most importantly, they discovered the value of communicating their sexual expectations, felt they could improve their relationships, and decide whether they were comfortable continuing as they were or wanting to change.

As might be expected, males more often see themselves as closer to the hunter end of the continuum and females closer to the gatherer end, but this isn’t always the case. The current research shows that both male and female desires are more likely to be adventure oriented in their early sexual exploratory years, but overlap more as people mature. That was also true of my patients.

As you learn more about these sexual approach styles, please do not judge yourselves negatively, wherever you place yourself on the continuum. Your view of how you begin sexual pursuits should be about whether you are successful, attract the partners you want, and are comfortable with your particular sexual approach style. If it works for you, stay with what is natural to you. If it’s not, you can best change it if you understand how you got there and how to about approaching your new partners differently.

The Core Qualities of Sexual Hunters

Nearly all human beings have the capacity to hunt prey when it serves them. Like all carnivores, we have eyes in front of our faces specifically for that purpose. When we want something, our brains create noradrenaline and dopamine, catapulting us into high gear and increasing our motivation to act. We become alert and hyper-focused.

Sexual attraction is usually more satisfying when the object of our hunt is on board with the same desires. Two people who are both sexual hunters often hook up in a passionate and powerful connection, intensified by the fact that neither participant expects permanence.

The same brain chemicals that drive novelty, discovery, and challenge overlap with those that drive humans to fulfill all hungers. As such, they can be insensitive to the well-beings of their target. Sexual hunting can be primarily motivated by blind need or enlightened self-interest. A hunter’s behavior after the object of their satisfaction is conquered can depend on whether their hunting style is driven by temporary satisfaction, or the desire to know that person better afterwards. Those who identified themselves as primarily sexual hunters saw themselves as seekers of novelty, excitement, adventure, and sequential connections that were fun and easy in-and-outs. They accepted themselves as people who were most interested in the initial pursuit, the thrill and drama of the hunt itself.

Fortunately, gender stereotypes are loosening, helping many people search more deeply for what works best for them. That allows the women who define themselves as hunters feel less uncomfortable in roles that were more often assigned to males in the past. They tell me that they openly seek the initial lust most new relationships offer, and do not seek the guarantee eventual commitment. Those more open acceptances also allow men to search for deeper commitment and more romantic involvement from the beginning, without seeming un-masculine. Some of those men change because of a special person who affects them differently than they have ever felt before, but some have always been “gatherers,” and like their sexual connections integrated with emotional closeness.

Over time, and in different stages of life, both men and women who have been primarily sexual hunters may wish to change how they approach a relationship. They realize that they’re attracting the wrong kind of partners, giving the wrong impressions, or that their approach could be limiting their options. Even though they may fear losing the advantages of their prior hunting approach, they want a more enduring connection and are willing to risk to find it.

A hunter whose style seems too self-serving risks being perceived as pushy, one-dimensional, or insecure. The overall package can compensate if that hunter is highly valuable according to his group’s standards. Conflicted hunters who actually fall in love may be unable to change his or her style in time to save the relationship and often tell me sadly of the partner they most regret losing.

Are You More of a Sexual Hunter?

Answer the following questions with:

Most of the Time = 4

Some of the Time = 3

Occasionally = 2

Never = 1

1. When you seek out a new partner, is your primary goal to capture, satisfy, and move on? ____
2. Is sexual attraction your main reason for seeking a new partner?____
3. Do you present yourself as a person primarily interested in getting into sex quickly?____
4. Is lust and passion your main focus when you meet someone?____
5. Do you naturally find that sustained relationships often don’t hold your interest?____
6. Are you comfortable with sequential relationships as long as they are initially sexually exciting?­­­____

Add up your scores. Twelve to sixteen probably means you are primarily a sexual hunter. As your score lowers, you may be changing your sexual style according to your current phase of life, or are feeling differently about your current partner.

The Core Qualities of Sexual Gatherers

Sexual gatherers prefer sexual connections that are a precursor to emotional, deep, and lasting connections. They look for relationships that are secure, compatible, and inclusive. Though easily able to enjoy the initial lustful encounters their new relationships offered, they find those passionate experiences more likely to occur in sequential relationships and lose motivation when a long-term connection seems unlikely. When they care for someone, they look for opportunities to bring their new relationship into the larger world they treasure.

Though women are more likely to value these qualities for biological and societal expectations, many men are deeply romantic and family-oriented in the same way. Gatherers of both genders may begin their new relationships with the same passion and lustful physical connection, but soon want to know if the relationship is going to deepen. That does not invalidate their enjoyment of that partner, only that they want more guarantees of other dimensions that will be eventually included.

These relationship seekers value belonging, whether to friends, family, or long-term partners. They thrive on emotional depth, similar ideals, and the promise of nurturing and closeness, and approach relationships with the intent to work hard, compromise, and resolve the barriers to intimacy. They want relationships that are intimately intertwined with those of other people who are important to them.

Unfortunately, commitment-oriented gatherers can over-sacrifice and find themselves resentful if their partners lack the same outcome. They may over-give and over-compromise at the beginning of a relationship, in hopes their partners will eventually feel the same. That can lead to disillusionment if they fail to express those relationship needs early on.

Sexual gatherers may be fearful that their ultimate desires will push a new partner away if they express them too soon in a new relationship. Perhaps he or she may not feel the same way at the same time, or possibly never. They ask me frequently whenever would be the right time to ask about a future. If they ask to soon, will it diminish the current joy? If they wait too long, will their questions not have the power they might have had sooner?

Here are some recommendations. As interest goes, energy flows. Pure hunters usually prefer not to discuss future plans or show interest beyond the enjoyment of the current sexual lust. They usually are not interested in getting too close to their partner’s friends, family, or other potential distractions. They prefer to keep the relationship isolated, and often exclude their new partner from other dimensions in their own lives. Pure hunters tell me that their most hated question is, “Is this relationship going anywhere, or are you just into it for the sex?” If they unexpectedly find themselves unable to move on as they have in the past, they do begin acting differently. That can be a precious and unpredictable time, and a gatherer would do well to give him or her room to reorganize and change old behaviors.

Most partners mean well and have no desire to hurt their partners or to misrepresent themselves. Most hunters prefer not to promise what they may not be able to deliver, and are not out to exploit. Most gatherers do not want to entrap an uninterested partner, but to hopefully be chosen. Communicating those intentions in a caring and honest way early in a relationship can help miscommunication be the wrong reason for failure.

Is Your Sexual Approach Closer to a Gatherer?

Answer the following questions with:

Most of the Time = 4

Some of the Time = 3

Occasionally = 2

Never = 1

1. When you contemplate a new relationship, do you search for other dimensions besides sexual attraction?____
2. Do you let your new partner know early on that you are interested in commitment?____
3. Are you likely to get to know your partner before you get into a sexual relationship?____
4. Even if you are intensely sexually attracted to a new partner, do you tell him or her that you would only stay in the relationship if there were more dimensions?____
5. Can you resist a committed sexual hunter even if he or she is a great package?____
6. Do you seek the advice of trusted friends before you get sexually involved with a new partner?____

Add up your scores. Twelve to sixteen probably means you are primarily commitment oriented, even when the initial sex is satisfying in-and-of itself. As your score lowers, you may be changing your sexual style according to the phase of life you’re in, or are feeling differently about your current partner.

If you are clear about your sexual approach at this time in your life, you can authentically communicate it to your new partner. Your willingness to be clear and okay with who you are might put a damper on your going forward, but could also minimize potential hurt for both later on.

Most problems arise under two conditions:

1) When hunters present themselves as possible commitment-oriented gathers when they are not ready to, or

2) When commitment-oriented gatherers put aside their core values to please a hunter, hoping he or she will “come around,” once the value of the total relationship is established.

Your sexual approach style on the hunter-to-gatherer continuum is only one dimension of relationships, but important because it occurs so early in a new relationship. Adventurers and gatherers can be compatible if they understand each other’s different approaches and what may be behind them. Knowing that information, they can better handle those differences early in a relationship with compassion and without negative judgment of each other’s desires. I have seen many unexpected successful relationships where love triumphs over past rituals.

Some hunters have never dealt with their sadness of not belonging because their fear of entrapment has kept them from taking the risk of more exploration before they disconnect. Some commitment-oriented/gatherers have not allowed themselves the freedom to explore without accountability, and to find a better balance for themselves. Even partners who began on opposite ends of the continuum can learn to appreciate the positive aspects of both relationship needs, and transform each other over time into people they never thought they could be.