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Achieved a Lot but Feel Like It’s Never Enough?
Here's how to claim your unconditional worthiness.
Posted January 24, 2022 Reviewed by Vanessa Lancaster
Key points
- The most important relationship is the one you with yourself.
- No matter how much situational success you achieve, it will feel insufficient if your self-worth is not intact.
- Life feels better when you strengthen your unconditional worthiness.
Are you a someone who, despite all you've achieved, still doesn't feel quite "good enough?"
Before you can enjoy your life, you must believe you are worthy of it. Worthy of care; worthy of influence; worthy of rest; worthy of wealth; worthy of peace; worthy of connection; worthy of pleasure; worthy of fun.
If this is the year you're ready to claim your deepest, steadiest power, let's talk about your unconditional worthiness.
This term—unconditional worthiness—has become so popularized it’s easy to forget what it means. It means that the Self determines her worth regardless of the condition.
Let me explain to you how we can lose our sense of unconditional worthiness by using the metaphor of water and a cup.
Let’s imagine the water is worthiness and the cup is the container that allows you to hold this sense of worthiness. When you cannot hold your worth, you’ll naturally look to external sources to “fill you up.” So long as other people are signaling to you how great you are, right you are, smart you are, kind you are, impressive you are, interesting you are, you’ll temporarily feel the relief from their stream of water.
But there are two problems. First, if your cup is broken, you’ll always be dependent on other people to fix your condition for you. When other people control your worth, this is invariably an unsafe, triggering way to live.
But there’s a second more insidious problem common with high-performing leaders. When a person cannot hold their sense of worthiness, they—at their unconscious core—already know this.
Remember: Your brain is brilliant, and the overwhelming majority of its spectacular work is done outside of your conscious awareness. This is protective because the awareness that “I am only conditionally worthy” can be so painful, so frightening your brain often tucks it away into its unconscious recesses.
This awareness then lies dormant until you get triggered by whatever triggers you, and—at that moment—you clearly feel the painful surge of this lack of worth.
You've been there. We all have.
Because worthiness is fundamental to human wellbeing, your brain constantly calculates how to get water in your cup. If your brain senses you have a cracked cup, it rightly convinces you to keep hustling for that water.
But here’s the painful loop where so many get stuck that I want to help you break: I work with so many leaders who have received tremendous amounts of “water”—things like success, praise, popularity, financial gain, promotions, accolades, and yet they still feel bad. They feel like they haven't done enough, achieved enough, produced enough. In other words, they feel unworthy.
Ready for another paradox?
It’s the constant abundance that leaves them feeling so lacking.
The constant abundance of what they've achieved supplies them with the water they need while simultaneously reminding them of how little they can hold on their own. In other words, if other people are pouring tons of water into my cup, at a certain point, it’s going to occur to me that something is inherently wrong with my cup. How can it be that everyone keeps giving me so much, and yet it’s never enough? What's wrong with me?
And so, the very thing I need to fill my cup also becomes the very evidence of how broken I am.
Do you see what a painful cycle this is?
When you are ready to set yourself free, here’s what you do: You hold your worth regardless of the condition.
You say, “I hold my water.” And in doing so, you realize that the second you say, “I’d be ok if…
- my team cooperates."
- the deal goes through."
- my kids behave."
- my spouse acts right."
- my parents agree with me."
- they leave me alone."
- they do it my way."
You realize you are creating the conditionality blocking you from your worthiness.
It’s you!
It’s you who let go of your power by choosing to create conditions in which you decided you only get to be worthy when other people act in accordance with the very conditions you created!
It's self-inflicted.
Our children provide magnificent insights into our adult behavior. For example, the other day, my four-year-old told my six-year-old not to play with her and immediately became unhinged because her brother wouldn't play with her!
Is the trap you feel suffocated by a trap you set for yourself? Was it you who decided:
If they think my idea is the best, I’ll be ok.
- If you pay attention to me, I'll be ok.
- If she chooses me, I’ll be ok.
- If he likes me, I’ll be ok.
- If I don’t make a mistake, I’ll be ok.
- If no one's angry at me, I'll be ok?
I have fantastic news.
Because you’re the creator of this painful “if” condition, you also have the power to create your “no matter what” condition.
This is the condition where you decide: I am worthy no matter what.
- If they don't like my ideas, I'm still creating, no matter what.
- If they ignore me, I'm still showing up no matter what.
- If they disagree with me, I'm still participating no matter what.
- If they don't listen to me, I'm still speaking honestly, no matter what.
- If they don't choose me, I'm still choosing myself no matter what.
And here, when you finally let go of all these self-imposed conditions, you can access the part of you that was there all along: your unconditional worthiness and stunning personal power.