The Key to Accepting Children for Who They Are

At a presentation I attended at the start of my graduate studies, a speaker remarked, “Parents must learn to accept their children for who they are and not what they want them to be.” My first thought was, “Of course we should accept our children for who they are. How difficult a task is that?”

How naïve I was.

As I began my clinical training, I saw many children, teens, and parents in therapy. I quickly realized that parents accepting their children for who they are often posed a significant challenge, especially when children displayed behaviors that parents experienced as problematic or not aligning with their values.

This realization was reinforced tenfold when I became a father several years later. Not only did I become increasingly aware of the obstacles to accepting our children, but I also came to appreciate the importance of parental acceptance as a foundation of a child’s emotional development and well-being. Acceptance is rooted in unconditional love—caring for our children regardless of their behavior or whether their choices match our expectations.

Acceptance should not be confused with permissiveness or allowing children to do whatever they want. Acceptance does not imply that we fail to discipline our children or teach them to be responsible. Acceptance and effective discipline support each other, especially when we recognize that discipline involves teaching, not humiliation or intimidation. A goal of discipline is to create a safe and secure environment in which children develop self-discipline.

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The Importance of “Goodness-of-Fit”

Even before the birth of their children, most parents already have dreams and expectations for them that are shaped, in part, by their own childhood experiences. Many kids, however, don’t fulfill the dreams we have for them, often triggering disappointment and frustration in their parents.

Given this situation, it is wise for parents to adopt a “goodness-of-fit” approach, a key concept in child development. It examines how well a parent’s temperament, expectations, and wishes align with the child’s natural makeup.

If the parent-child relationship is to thrive, parents must learn to adapt their expectations and behaviors to fit their child, rather than insisting that the child conform to their style. Having seen many adults in therapy, I have observed that a lack of acceptance and unconditional love, conveyed with a message of parental disappointment during childhood, continues to negatively influence our adult relationships and lives.

Given the challenges many parents face in establishing a good “fit” with their children, I highlight in my talks and writings the differences in children from birth and the importance of a goodness-of-fit. I cite the research of psychiatrists Stella Chess and Alexander Thomas as described in their book Know Your Child. They identified three main inborn temperaments in kids: the easy child, the slow-to-warm-up child, and the difficult child. They emphasized the importance of parents understanding these different temperaments and adapting their parenting style to their child’s temperament.

Many parents who have attended my workshops or seen me in parent counseling have observed that, although they knew each of their children had a different temperament from birth, they were unaware of how pronounced these differences could be. I’ve heard from many individuals raising a so-called “difficult” child that they felt like failures as parents.

Some have wished that they had known more about these inborn differences when their child was born, adding that they wished their pediatrician or family doctor had alerted them to these differences when their child was still an infant. One mother of a very challenging daughter poignantly said to me, “If I had known about these differences in temperament, I think I would have learned more effective ways of interacting with my daughter and not being so angry with her and myself so much of the time.”

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Two Families

To illustrate the importance of goodness-of-fit, consider two families I’ve worked with.

In Raising Resilient Children, a book I co-authored with Dr. Sam Goldstein, we described George, a 13-year-old with significant learning problems and few friends, and his 16-year-old sister Linda, who was outgoing, an A student, and a star athlete. Their parents, the Whites, were sociable, athletic, and had been excellent students.

They expressed a clear preference for Linda, whose accomplishments in life paralleled their own successes. In contrast, they were disappointed in George. Mr. White even asserted, “If George wanted to, he could turn his life around. He’s lazy and always has been.”

George internalized his parents’ message, telling me with insight, sadness, and anger, “My parents love Linda. I think she makes them feel like good parents. I sometimes think they wish I had never been born.”

A simple but powerful question I ask during evaluations is: “What does your child do well?” This question shifts the focus from “deficits” to strengths or what I call “islands of competence.”

It took the Whites time to answer the question, but they finally said George loved to garden and take care of plants. The problem was that while George loved these activities, which were a source of joy and achievement for him, his parents dismissed his islands of competence as irrelevant or “odd” for a 13-year-old. When his parents eventually learned to honor George’s interests, including going to a horticulture show with him where he won an award, their relationship with him improved noticeably, as did George’s emotional well-being.

The second example involved Mr. and Mrs. Norwell and their eight-year-old son, Paul. They described him as having a high level of anxiety and struggling to learn in school. Mr. Norwell, who loved sports, poignantly observed that when his wife was pregnant with Paul, he envisioned all of the fun times they would have playing different sports and attending Paul’s games.

When I asked the parents what they saw as Paul’s interests and his islands of competence, they both immediately answered that he loved to draw and paint, and he showed much talent in these pursuits. Mr. Norwell sadly added that while Paul loved to draw, he did not share his son’s interest in art. I discussed the concept of goodness-of-fit with them and the importance of finding a way to join Paul’s interests rather than expecting him to engage in a sports activity that brought him little pleasure.

They were intrigued by the notion of “goodness-of-fit,” and soon after our meeting, Mr. Norwell suggested to Paul that they take an art class at a museum together. Paul was thrilled, and after their first class, Mr. Norwell called to share how happy he was observing his son’s joy as they did artwork together.

He added, “I think I can even get used to doing some of these things, especially since we can do them together.” Mr. Norwell’s willingness to participate in Paul’s interests noticeably improved their relationship and eased his concern about connecting with his son.

The Power of Unconditional Love

These examples demonstrate that accepting and loving our children unconditionally fosters positive parent-child bonds, emotional growth, and resilience. Acceptance requires a parent to reevaluate what they consider as success for their children and to understand that not every child will be an “A” student, socially skilled, an outstanding athlete, or share the same interests as their parents.

When parents respect a child’s unique temperament, passions, and skills, even if these differ from their own hopes and expectations, the chances that the child will feel they have let them down decrease. Instead, a setting is created that nurtures a child’s sense of dignity, hope, and resilience, helping them face challenges with greater confidence and optimism, knowing that their parents love them unconditionally. This is a wonderful gift parents give to their children.