Teaching Boys to Disagree

Sometimes, I just want to tell my son what to think, especially when he parrots information he’s heard somewhere or read online that I disagree with. I want to correct him immediately, dispel myths, and make sure he has the right information.

As we’ve both matured, I’ve learned a more "alongside" rather than directive approach works better. Despite our good relationship, we can’t help but be shaped by our modern, polarised world where finding the solid rock of common ground seems like a fading memory.

As parents, teachers, and coaches, we don’t want to teach people what to think, but how to think.

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Driving our divided world is a social media industry hungrily gobbling our attention. Social media feeds on our "flight/fight" responses as we engage with content, and it undermines or fragments our ideologies and beliefs. As we try to find certainty, we tend to "dig in." This moves us away from nuance, considering new ideas, and "walking in someone else’s shoes." This can lead to one-eyed views and simplistic solutions to complex challenges.

The cost? We lose the shared understanding of what is good.

As parents, coaches, and educators, we must address this; otherwise, we risk raising a generation of young people unable to make connections with those holding different views—a generation who doesn’t truly listen and develop empathy. It could be argued our democratic process—supported by voice, choice, and accountability—is at stake.

So what does this have to do with boys and young men in particular?

Firstly, we know the online space, artificial intelligence, and large language models mine content with established gender patterns (called "norms") and effectively teach them as "facts" to young people. Boys and girls learn online (where they spend more than four hours per day, or two months a year) they have roles to play based on previous views and values. Some are fine, but some are outdated and inflexible. It’s the inflexibility that is problematic.

For example, telling boys success and belonging means playing the role of a powerful and dominant male doesn’t help them to see two sides of an argument. Boys see in media, streaming, stories, and films that the most likely way to have agency is to have power over someone, not power with someone.

Boys often feel pressured to conform to a specific form of masculinity, as failing to do so can have significant consequences. Social media perpetuates the idea boys are weak and not "real men" unless they exhibit certain behaviours.

This pressure is exacerbated by the fact that the prefrontal cortex—the part of the brain responsible for understanding the consequences of actions and making decisions—is not fully developed during adolescence. As a result, boys are more likely to take risks, especially when they feel observed by their peers. They may engage in extreme behaviours to prove themselves, including aligning with influencers who promote rigid gender norms.

Young men often strive to achieve what they see as success and seek acceptance from their peer group. This leads to "pluralistic ignorance," where individuals mistakenly believe their personal views are different from the collective views of the group. To fit in, boys may conform to rigid norms, thinking that everyone else holds these beliefs, even if they don’t.

It is crucial for our boys to feel confident in holding different views from those they encounter online and to explore diverse perspectives. This is a key aspect of executive functioning, often referred to as flexible thinking.

We must teach our boys to be more adaptable in their interactions with others to build empathy.

Has there ever been a more critical time in history for boys and young men to be kind and empathetic and, yet, stand firm in their beliefs?

What we can do

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Previously, I have written about "dialogic structures" to help boys to communicate better. A dialogic structure is a frame for guiding conversations. These "talking approaches" help simplify and move to resolution.

Let’s look at one that works.

The ASK model

ASK is an acronym for a conversation approach to help boys, parents, teachers, and coaches—a framework for disagreement. It creates empathy in listening and ultimately enables boys and young men (anyone really) to understand that disagreement is OK; it is part of life, and you are not on the outer because of it.

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As you hold the conversation, you can have the dialogic structure in the back of your mind, or you can talk it through with your son or pupil. I have written it out below, with a worked example.

Let’s use the topic of "People under 16 shouldn’t have access to social media" as a hypothetical example. The point here isn’t so much the argument; it’s showing a way for boys to disagree in a healthy and respectful manner.

In this discussion, you may argue that children under 16 don’t have the social skills and understanding to navigate the fake news found in social media. The other person may argue that young people increasingly need ways to connect, especially when they live in remote locations.

A – Acknowledge: The first step is to acknowledge the other person’s perspective. This means genuinely listening and then paraphrasing (both separate skills). Importantly, you begin by listening and recognizing their view.

"I understand that you feel social media helps to connect people who are in more remote locations. I see it is important that they aren’t isolated."

S – Share: Here is the opportunity to share your own perspective with the other person. It’s an "alongside" approach. You are not necessarily disagreeing; rather, you are sharing another perspective.

"My belief is that there is a lot of misinformation on social media. We already spend so much time online, I don’t think people under 16 can manage all of it."

K — Kindly suggest a way forward: The third step is to suggest a way forward. Importantly, we teach the boys it’s OK to not reach a consensus agreement. The beauty of this process is learning people can hold different views, and that is OK. There are three broad strategies here:

1. Find common ground and summarize: "So it seems like we really both care about young people."
2. Again acknowledge there is a difference, and that is OK: "And we feel there are different things that are important."
3. And, if needed, agree to disagree: "And whilst we have some things in common, we might need to agree to disagree on this one."

In an increasingly polarized world, teaching boys how to disagree by listening and having empathy is crucial. By using frameworks like the ASK model to support, boys can navigate disagreements respectfully and build social skills.