How Men Can Embrace Their Emotions

For years, I tried to master my emotions, fix them, avoid them, neutralize them, and just not engage. It worked well—until it didn’t. I became so mad that nothing helped—filled with hate, anger, sadness, frustration, and fear that I would never cure my “negative emotions.”

I am now incredibly happy that I was so emotionally distraught. Those painful emotions fueled my passion to rethink assumptions about emotions and, later, to reclaim myself and my masculinity.

I began thinking about concepts from some newer—and one ancient—evidence-based psychotherapies influenced by Buddhism’s Four Noble Truths (“There is suffering, but it's OK”). Morita therapy, created in Japan about 100 years ago, had the genius idea to recognize that it was natural for painful emotions to arise based on circumstances.

More recently, evidence-based psychotherapies such as ACT (acceptance and commitment therapy) offer a Buddhist-inspired alternative to "thinking therapies" like CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy). These therapies and others helped me ask the question: What if there is no such thing as a “negative emotion”? What if all of our emotions are actually, in some way, good?

This is what I write about in my new book, Give a F*ck, Actually: Emotions, even the “bad” ones, give us the data we need to make our next move. I applied these evidenced-based psychotherapies with my patients over the years, and “Five Noble Steps” started to arise. This formed my conceptualization of radical emotional acceptance (REA) with its five steps (or "The Five Acceptances").

As men in my practice started to emote freely, their lives started to change. Mine, too. Many of their “emotional problems” would vanish when they started to apply the five steps and take their lives back. Relationships and jobs got better. Income increased. Self-esteem and physical health improved. Symptoms of depression and anxiety abated. In short, they were becoming whole again and at peace with their emotional reality.

REA set me free. I was constantly at war with myself, believing all kinds of B.S. stories in my head about my emotions—all the stuff I was indoctrinated with growing up. That I should just “be a man and take it!” That I shouldn’t feel sad. That I should just let it go. That I shouldn’t be angry. That I should be happy. That I shouldn’t be so scared. That I shouldn’t allow hate in my heart. That I shouldn’t be jealous. I was “shoulding” all over myself.

REA was like a nuclear bomb that destroyed all of those toxic thoughts and beliefs. I should have exactly the emotions I am having because I am having them. If emotions were not a problem, I just solved my biggest problem—our biggest problem. If emotions are not a problem, then what are they good for? That is the question. Becoming curious as to why our painful, scary, sad, or otherwise unpleasant emotions are actually good for us is the pathway toward our own answers.

What are the five steps of radical emotional acceptance? What’s the gist of how the steps can transform us into whole men again?

1. Put Down Your Shield.

A shield emotion is an emotion (or defense mechanism) that “protects” us from vulnerable, painful, or scary emotions. Anger is the classic example. Anger is a very empowering emotion, so it’s easy to get in touch with. When you’re furious, no one’s gonna mess with you because you’ll kill ‘em! So, we gotta drop the anger shield to see what other emotions are hiding behind it.

2. Name the Emotion.

Simply name your own list of current emotions without explanation: For example, sad, scared, disappointed, frustrated, hurt, and ashamed. This is raw, pure emotional data. (Keep in mind that emotions are the pure, visceral sensations and moods that need no explanation. An emotion plus a story becomes a feeling, and the stories are often untrue and toxic.)

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3. Listen to the Emotion.

What are your emotions trying to teach you about this situation or relationship? Perhaps underneath the raging anger towards your partner for saying that disrespectful thing, there is some deep hurt and disappointment and fear that she might do it again. Those painful emotions are telling you some deep truth about the relationship. Pay attention. This is the source of your emotional wisdom.

4. Act (or Don't Act) on the Emotion.

After you get all of your emotional data and wisdom, it’s now finally time to kick it back over to your logical brain. Now, you get to decide the best course of action to get your desires met. Do you fight? Do you speak up for yourself? Do you ask for help? Do you run? Do you kiss and make up? Or do you realize you don’t need to do a thing?

Ironically, my patients usually don’t need much help in this department. My only job is to tune men into their own emotional wisdom. They are smart and courageous enough to decide what to do from there.

5. Thank the Emotion.

This is my favorite step. If you can find true gratitude for how your painful emotions are truly helping you, there is no longer a problem. While there’s a popular book that essentially says don’t give a f*ck, we know that’s not entirely reasonable. A better way is to embrace your emotions and work with them. Men have so much to gain if we do.