Take Action
At this point, having read Part 1: Prepare, you have named how your social media friend’s provocative post makes you feel. And you’re ready to establish a safe dialogue with them. Now it’s time to take action:
1. Breathe, Think, and Rehearse: Before you post anything on the internet, always prepare by taking a full-bodied breath, allow yourself to think and reflect on what you want to say, and then rehearse various drafts of your message. You will also benefit from sharing your drafts with one or two people in your life whose judgment you trust. Then do another couple of rewrites before committing to the significant dialogue you’re about to initiate.
2. Write the Poster a Private Message: I recommend this as your first line of action in most cases, especially if the person is a relative or someone with whom you’ve had a longstanding relationship. Remember: the purpose of this direct message is to invite them to recognize you—your vulnerabilities, full, complex story, and specific perspective—and for you to recognize them in return.
3. Clarify the Facts Publicly: In some cases, we don’t know our adversarial poster all that well, and it might not be worth it to write them privately without sufficient relational history to stand on. In this case, you may choose to clarify one or two of their misconceptions publicly, either by sharing your personal experience in a brief anecdote in the comments of their post, and/or a relevant article or study to set the record straight (one that has been reviewed and proven to be fact, as opposed to a conspiracy theory you dug-up from a digital troll farm for the sole purpose of “winning” a debate).
You might also invite them to engage with you further on this topic privately if they’re interested, or invite them to engage with five or six different people in their lives who share identities with the people they are criticizing, if not attacking, in their post. However you choose to clarify the facts publicly, you’ll want the spirit of your comment to be an invitation for them to participate in a dialogue in which both sides can benefit.
And most important of all, whatever you write, make sure that your underlying intention is to establish an open connection with the other person, as opposed to simply trying to “win” and shut them down. This distinction can be tricky to make when the misinformation they are spreading is reckless and dangerous, so if that is the case here’s what you do:
- Set a Boundary and Keep Communication Open at the Same Time: Preface your message with your explicit intention to make a connection with the person, and to find out more about their point of view (see #3). You might even share a few possibilities for why they posted what they did, as long as your suggestions come from a place of empathy and curiosity, as opposed to certainty and judgment. (Think of yourself as an actor asking questions about a character you intend to play, as opposed to an all-knowing writer who has already planned the ending of a story.) This gives them the benefit of the doubt, and helps to create an atmosphere of openness, discovery, and reciprocity.
- But. At the same time, simply and clearly explain what is factually untrue, and perhaps harmful about their statement or implication. For example, you might write something like this:
“Maybe you or someone you love has been harmed by people like the ones in this meme you posted? If so, I’d like to know more about that, and I want to be sensitive to that as we talk. But even if that is so, the statement you’re implying about the people in the post is categorically untrue and dangerous. My family falls into the category of people in your post, and your message puts us in danger. Again, I’d like to know more about where you’re coming from so maybe we could have a private email exchange about this? But in the meantime, I have to encourage you to take that post down, or to find another way of saying what you mean, because the message of this particular meme, in its current form, is patently and dangerously untrue.”
Also, remember that other people are witnessing your public exchanges. And one of the benefits of this is that your recipient is mediated, in a sense, by the audience and held accountable in a way they would not be in a private dialogue. In other words, as they respond to you, they are forced to think beyond themselves and their projection of you, and to consider the perspectives of the various individuals observing. Another benefit of having this audience is that even if your efforts to reach the intended person completely fail, you have given all of their social media connections the opportunity not only to consider the points you make, but to see your willingness to engage with someone whose perspective is threatening to you. This alone may inspire the onlookers to engage in similar, and potentially transformational, conversations with other people in their networks, whose messages threaten them.
But, at the same time, public dialogues come with great responsibility. You must be careful to use the attention of the audience to promote empathy, as opposed to shame. Yes we want to set the record straight, and we can even use tactics that take people to task for spreading partial truths or unequivocal lies. But when we call people out, we want to do so with enough of a sting to open up their empathy toward people they may be harming, but not enough to make them feel shut down with shame.
4. Block and Report: Obviously, if the poster is threatening you or anyone else directly, no amount of dialogue is going to create safety. In extreme cases like this, the safest thing to do may be to block them and report the user to the social media company, if not your local authorities, depending on the level of threat.
However, most of the aggression currently taking place on social media is not in the form of direct threats, but instead it manifests in gaslighting and reality-warping. And, as in any abusive relationship, it is incredibly challenging, if not impossible, to think clearly when untruths are hurled at you. On the bright side, there is sometimes a way to find moments of coherence, connection, healing, and redemption with people who engage in this particular form of verbal warfare with you—especially with the help of a therapeutic intervention of some kind. And one great thing about social media is that it has a built-in therapeutic boundary, by virtue of allowing you to be in an entirely different physical location than your antagonist. In other words, you automatically have space to step away from your device when the contact feels too tense or hot or insane, to breathe and reflect, and then to pick up again if and when you choose.
For guidance on how to listen to your interlocutor’s responses, including to their silences, read Part 3: Listen.
Mark O'Connell, LCSW-R
Author’s Note: If you would like to share your personal experience trying out some of these suggestions, and if you feel comfortable with me using parts of your story for a follow-up post, write to me at markotherapy@gmail.com.
